No Pundit Intended, Andy

Being as modest as I am, I had not intended to write about my triumph in the opening event of Legends of Poker 2002, the media/casino/charity contest. However, I have just read Andy Glazer's column in the Aug. 30 issue of Card Player. His version of the events, which he did not dare let me see beforehand for my approval, was so full of errors, distortions, and outright lies that I owe an obligation to my fans to set the record straight.

I am especially upset at Mr. Glazer's inconsiderate treatment of me in light of the fact that the only reason he got his job back at Card Player was because I put in a good word for him. The Poker Pundit, indeed! Who bestowed that title on him? The International Poker Federation? The same official group that bestowed the title of "The Elder Statesman of Poker" on Oklahoma Johnny Hale?

In the first place, let there be no mistake about it: I won the tournament for our team. I played the final and deciding hand, and that gives me top honors. The fact that it was a showdown hand makes no difference. I played it brilliantly, and that's the end of the story. You got a problem with that, Andy?

Now, perhaps it's true that my game was a touch off during the other hands that they let me play when I cried and stamped my feet and pointed to the rules that prohibited my teammates from denying me my turn at the table. But, as Andy pointed out, I was also doing the write-up for The Bicycle Casino, which kind of distracted me. In addition, whenever there was a dispute and Tournament Director Denny Williams had a tough decision to make, he always came to me to ask for my advice. To be honest, though, I really didn't mind not playing my fair share of hands. The Bike's magnificent selection of sushi at the buffet was a lot more interesting to me than rolling over a bunch of newspaper and radio station poker neophytes who didn't even know that a straight beat a flush.

Getting back to Andy's column, I must point out that he also dissembled a bit when he said that Barry Shulman left of his own volition after playing a few hands, and that Mike Caro asked to be excused because he was celebrating his 19th wedding anniversary. Yeah, right. Tell the truth, Andy. You demanded that the two of them be thrown off the team because, to quote your very own words: "Those bums can't play a lick."

Another problem arose that Andy neglected to address. At tournament's end, I was presented with a handsome marble trophy to commemorate my victory in this tag-team event. Magnanimously, I desired to share this keepsake with my fellow team members, never mind how little they contributed. But, how can you split a trophy three ways … or even five ways, if you will? My suggestion to Andy was that since this was a Card Player team event, and since Mr. Shulman had put up the money for all of us, it might be only fair to present him with the trophy for display in his office. Andy's response was at once thoughtful and diplomatic: "Screw him."

We thought for a time of donating it to Binion's Horseshoe to be put on permanent display in the poker room next to the amazing football trophy that Oklahoma Johnny Hale installed there, when no one was looking, to celebrate his Seniors event. We decided, though, that it would be unfair of us to distract from Johnny's wondrous trophy. So, in the end we agreed to a compromise - joint custody. Andy gets to keep the trophy six months of the year, and I get it the other six.

You may well wonder why Andy Glazer has treated me so shabbily. Well, part of it, of course, is his jealousy of me as a poker writer. He still hasn't gotten over the trauma of what happened at the World Series this year. He was doing coverage for an Internet poker site (the stories that are now being rerun in Card Player), and he asked me, along with a couple of other writers, to fill in for him on a number of events. Imagine his shock and dismay when he got numerous complimentary E-mails from readers who failed to notice that the stories they found so great were actually written by me instead of him. He also wasn't happy when I commented in one of my write-ups that the reason his reports were so voluminous (they made War and Peace look like a short story, I cracked) was because he got paid by the word.

But I suppose the real reason that Andy was so surly in his column was because he didn't appreciate my attempts to get him fixed up with someone, preferably a woman. I suppose I am a bit abrupt when I bring him over to a likely young lady and blurt out, all in one breath: "This is Andy Glazer he's looking for a girlfriend are you interested?" Well, hey, Andy, at your age, there isn't any time to waste on dancing around and engaging in long courtships. I just want to get to the point! What do you want me to do, play Cyrano, hide behind a potted palm, and whisper romantic lines for you to say?

I do admit, however, that my approach doesn't always work out for the best. On one memorable occasion a year ago, we were both doing coverage at the World Series - he for his Internet client, I for Binion's. I spotted an acquaintance of mine, an attractive and personable young woman who quite obviously also was an accomplished poker player, since she playing at the final table. Perfect match, I thought. With the best intentions, I dragged him over and gave my smooth, "This is Andy Glazer he's looking for a girlfriend are you interested?" pitch. She gave Andy a cold and dirty look. "I already have a boyfriend," she replied frostily, pointing to a tall and dangerous-looking dude who was sitting in the bleachers, glaring murderously at his potential rival.

Hey, I tried.

Well, I don't want to beat this into the ground. Should Mr. Glazer desire to appropriate credit for my victory, then God bless him, let him have a piece of my mantle. The main thing is that, in doing the media/casino write-up for the Bike and describing my triumph, I was finally able to use a line I have been trying to work into my reports for years: "Max plays as good as he writes."

Now I can die happy. And after Andy reads this, I probably will.