Obnoxious Jerks Part I: Understanding Them and Our Reactions

We meet them all the time, and they are always annoying. They needle us when we lose, criticize everybody, give lectures, blow smoke in our faces, spread junk all over the table, and throw cards at people. They slow down the game by arguing, squeezing their cards, slow-rolling, and demanding deck changes. They often ruin games by driving away weak players, putting everyone on edge, and generally killing the action.

Fortunately, they are usually weak players. Most good players - but certainly not all of them - can control the nasty impulses that we all occasionally feel. If we stay cool, we can usually turn their nastiness against them, but we naturally want to punish them, a desire that can cost us dearly. This column will analyze why they act that way, and why we often react so foolishly. The next column will suggest ways to take their chips.

Why Do They Do It?

When I hear complaints about jerks, I usually ask that question, but nobody answers. People don't care why they are obnoxious. They just care about their own frustration. But winning poker demands shifting your attention from yourself to other people. Focusing on your own feelings resembles studying your own hand when you should be reading the other players' cards and strategies.

Instead of answering, most people make meaningless comments: "Who cares?" or "He's just a jerk," or "He loves to tick people off." (Note the word "he." I hate to admit it, but at least 90 percent of all obnoxious jerks are men.) Ignoring his motives is foolish, because we can't cope with people if we don't understand the forces that drive them. The answer to my question is quite simple: He's obnoxious because it pays off, both psychologically and financially.

When they hear that, some people get very mad. "What do you mean, it pays off? It really costs him. He chases away weak players. He ruins the game. He makes everybody angry. He doesn't have a friend in the whole place." These answers are examples of The Egotistic Fallacy.

People egotistically assume that the obnoxious person has the same motives they have. Since they want people to like them, they assume he wants to be liked. Since they want weak players to stick around, they think he wants them in his game. But his motives are often quite different.

First, he gets a big kick out of making people angry. You and I want people to like us, but he has a "sick" craving for a different kind of attention. The research on "problem children" shows that they want people to yell at or even hit them. We would regard these actions as punishments, but for some people they are rewards. They learned as young children that they could manipulate their parents and other people by throwing tantrums, swearing, hitting or biting people, and so on.

Second, he gets pleasure just from being nasty. Everybody, even you and I, occasionally has so much pressure inside himself that he wants the relief of expressing it. He's got more pressure than he can handle, and expressing his tensions makes him feel better. If you notice and react, you've essentially validated his feelings, even if you react negatively. You've given him the satisfaction of both expressing his feelings and making you share his misery.

Third, he may have personal resentments toward certain kinds of players, such as women, minorities, or young people. A woman once told me that men have asked her, "What's a pretty girl like you doing playing poker?" She resisted the impulse to reply, "I've been waiting for a fish like you." One sexist pig even said, "As long as you have chips in front of you, honey, I am not leaving this table." He finally left with about $50 ($450 less than his buy-in).

Fourth, he may become obnoxious only when he is losing. Becoming obnoxious could be his way of coping with that frustration.

Fifth, when he makes people angry, they often play stupidly. You have seen countless angry people make foolish raises and calls just to "get even" with an obnoxious jerk, and you may have done it yourself.

In other words, being obnoxious gives jerks both psychological and financial rewards.

What's the Worst Thing to Do?

No matter how annoyed you are, the worst reaction is to fight a jerk. I've heard and read long discussions of how to shut them up or put them down. I've even listened to "conspiracies." Normally intelligent adults make elaborate plans to get even, and all they are doing is rewarding him, usually at their own expense.

Nasty remarks, bluffing him and then showing the bluff, and other actions would embarrass you or me, but they often give him intense pleasure. He realizes that others are so upset that they have shifted their focus from playing well to getting even with him. He craves attention, and they are giving him lots of it, plus losing money by making mistakes.

The Chinese have a wonderful proverb: "When you plan revenge, dig two graves, one for your victim, the other for yourself." Don't dig your own grave to punish a jerk.

Beware of Rationalizations

Although it's important to understand the jerk's motives, it's much more important to understand our own. In fact, a central poker principle is: know why we are taking any action. We usually do when we make a bet or a raise. We think of pot odds, position, opponents, and so on, and then make a reasoned judgment about folding, calling, or raising. By knowing why we made a bad decision, we can avoid repeating it.

This principle is immeasurably more important and harder to apply when our emotions are involved. They can make us respond impulsively, then rationalize that we're just trying to "create a strong table image," "prove that he can't run over me," or "protect other people."

Jerks are an unavoidable part of life and poker. If we let them affect us, they have essentially beaten us, even if they lose their chips. If we keep our heads and play our cards well, we'll get the truly rewarding revenge of taking away both their chips and their pleasure.

If you would like to learn more about yourself and other players, you can order Dr. Schoonmaker's book, The Psychology of Poker. See the Two Plus Two ad on Page 113.