Too Old to be Funny?

Well, it happened again. For the second time in my distinguished career as a poker humorist, I've been accused of not being funny.

The libel appeared a couple of months ago on rgp, the poker newsgroup, and I'm only responding now because I'm just starting to come out of my state of shock. Rgp is an interesting site. About 2 percent of its content consists of useful but boring information on such topics as trip reports, hand analysis, tournament results, rules discussions, and similar junk. The other 98 percent is the red meat. It comes from posters who spend all day ridiculing, flaming, and accusing each other of all sorts of transgressions, from cheating at poker to cheating on their wives to complaints about poor spelling.

Take this one guy, initials J.H., a professional dyspeptic whose main purpose in life seems to be to put down everyone and everything he can. Case in point: Writing in Card Player a few issues back, Andy Glazer said that after seeing a promotional video for the World Poker Tour, he was so impressed that his jaw dropped. J.H., on the other hand, posted on rgp that the video almost made him throw up. "Ooh, all the pretty lights," he smirked. I also saw the video and witnessed one of the tournament tapings, and I'll go with Andy's evaluation. I've known the producer, Steve Lipscomb, for several years. He's brilliant and dedicated to his craft, and he's throwing his heart and soul - not to mention several million dollars of Lyle Berman's money - into this project. Poker is not an easy sell, but if anyone can help bring the game more into the mainstream, these guys can. So, why not support them and cheer them on, rather than throw bricks just to show how clever you are?

Anyway, I skim through rgp sporadically, mainly to see if anyone has written something nice about me in gratitude for my monumental contributions to poker humor. And there one day, to my utter disbelief, was a post from someone who said my columns were a waste of space. Even more galling, this yutz said I was just an old guy with a dated, senior citizen sense of humor. Old? Outdated? Me? Hey, I'm hep! I'm a pretty groovy guy, I'd like you to know.

I briefly thought about responding on rgp, but I learned my lesson the first time, several years ago, when this J.H. also disparaged my writing. I tried to respond in a pleasant and humorous vein by suggesting that he had as much sense of humor as a guard at a Nazi prison camp (or something like that, I forget exactly what I said), and he took umbrage, and before long we were making bomb threats at each other. So, this time I'm staying off that online quicksand trap.

Anyway, what set this new guy off was a prior column of mine that had been rerun on the Poker Pages website. It was titled "Feng Shui in Barstow," and the poster complained about my dated, politically incorrect humor that had the feng shui practitioner speaking pigeon English. Oh, excuse me. From now on I'll have every ethnic group, along with Big Denny, John Bonetti, Dr. Wolfgang Krock, and Oklahoma Johnny Hale speaking pure Oxfordian English. Wouldn't that be humorous? Or, to use a current expression, wouldn't that be a hoot?

But it was the jibe at my old guy mindset that really bothered me. Sure, I'm not a teenager anymore, but I'm not that ancient. So, as usual, I turned to my sweetie for comfort and assurance. "I'm not an old guy, am I?" I asked her.

"Of course not, gramps," she said, patting me on the head. "Now shut up and drink your Ensure."

Well, I should have known better than to ask her. OK, so I'm just a couple of years away from my statistical life expectancy. But I'm up to date on all the young comics, like Jerry Lewis, Henny Youngman, George Gobel, that whole crew. I get fresh material by reading hip publications like Modern Maturity and The Saturday Evening Post. I still cut a jaunty figure with my bell-bottom pants. So maybe my humor is not on the same level as that of young comics like Adam Sandler or Carrot Top. (Well, thank God for that!)

But the question is: Was I still - or ever - funny? Seeking reassurance, I asked my good friend and fan Action Al if he really thought I was funny. He assured me that every time he flips through Card Player, he starts to chuckle as soon as he sees my photo.

"So, you think I'm funny?" I smiled.

He shook his head. "Not really; it's your picture that's funny."

Next I turned to Oklahoma Johnny Hale, a long-suffering victim of my humor. I asked him if he appreciated my comedy.

"So much so, Max," he replied, "that one day I intend to have you stuffed and put on prominent display in my Seniors Museum."

"What an honor. I'd better leave instructions in my will for when I die."

"Oh, I really wasn't plannin' on waitin' that long," he said, glaring at me.

Is there a set time for old guys to quit trying to be funny and get off the stage? I don't know. George Burns was going strong as a performer when he was almost 100. Phyllis Diller only recently announced her retirement and she's - what - 115 or something? True, after 300 or so columns, you begin to wonder where your next idea will come from, and I suppose I'll run out of material one day. But I have to be very careful what I write here, you understand. I once did a humor column with the title "My Last Column?" and lots of my fans read just the title and panicked, and it set off a stock market crash that's still continuing as I write this.

Well, I've given this dilemma a lot of thought, and I've come to the conclusion that I still have a great sense of humor. After all, anyone who would turn out the material I do for what Card Player pays me would have to.