Dangerous Liaisons

It's often said that poker is a metaphor for life, and the analogy is apt, for the behavioral tendencies people exhibit at the poker table are often consistent with the ones they manifest away from it. But the world's a big canvas, and the comparisons people draw between cards and life are generally applied with broad strokes; only rarely do people speak of poker as a metaphor for something as specific, say, as one's love life - which is odd when you consider that our methods and habits in the one offer considerable insight into our behavior in the other. In fact, the correlation between them is so strong that if you want to locate, and stop up, the leaks in your poker game, what you need to do is quite clear: Think about sex.

That's right. Forget Sklanksy, forget Super/System, and forget game theory and nonself-weighted strategies. It's all fiddle-faddle, pie in the sky. If you want to know the real poker score, take a look at your love life. And the door swings both ways: You want to figure out why your relationships go sour? Just break down your poker game.

Are you timid … shy … uncertain? Do you get married to all the wrong hands, and people? Still clinging to those unrealistic hopes about the high school prom queen? Come on now, you have to come clean, because it's on the answers to such questions that both your financial and romantic futures depend. Oh, and while we're at it, this whole "Lucky at cards, unlucky in love" business needs to be addressed - or is it "Lucky in love, unlucky at cards"? Either way, it's one of the screwiest adages ever invented; it's a nutty, not-a-grain-of-truth expression, almost certainly coined by either a degenerate gambler in heat or a eunuch on a card rush. Shoot, if the evidence all around us demonstrates anything, it's that our poker games and social lives are inextricably entwined. But don't take my word for it. Just imagine your own reaction were you to overhear the following conversation:

Mindy: "Sweetie, I don't know how to say this, but this new guy you're dating is a total deadbeat. Why would you waste your time on a bum like that?"

Mitzi: "Well, my relationship with the rich, handsome doctor didn't work out!"

I'll tell you what your reaction would be: You'd think Mitzi had popped a screw, right? Of course you would; who else but a head case would offer up a rationale so lame for a dating strategy so disastrous? And yet, I'll bet dollars to doughnuts that you've heard this same conversation in the poker room a zillion times, and probably thought nothing of it. You may even (heaven forbid) have taken the part of Mitzi. Of course, the poker version comes with different bells and whistles, but make no mistake, it's the same conversation, and it goes something like this:

Mindy: "Mitzi, are you feeling all right? You just limped in from under the gun with J-8."

Mitzi: "Well, I can't win with good cards!"

Aha - we may be on to something here. Perhaps the trigger in the brain that sends us looking for love in all the wrong places is the same trigger that sends us looking for luck with marginal holdings in early position. This is a scary thought, indeed, for if disastrous social strategies tend to produce disastrous social results (which they do), and negative expectation poker strategies tend to produce negative financial outcomes, it's a pretty good bet that mixing the two together will prove to be a formula for unqualified disaster.

Of course, people don't make conscious decisions to sabotage their own love lives, any more than they plot to subvert their own poker games. What we're dealing with here is a program glitch that sneaks up on us, slowly sinking its teeth into us while we're looking the other way. Indeed, one of the most tragic features of poker/relationship dysfunction is that its early symptoms can seem so harmless. The following bit of common cardroom dialogue provides a case in point:

Mindy: "Mitzi, you need some air - you just cold-called a raise with Q-7."

Mitzi: "I know, I know - but it was suited!"

On the surface, such a lapse may seem less than catastrophic, but left unchecked, this is precisely the sort of thing that leads to a complete meltdown of the system. Don't think so? Then apply this sort of "thinking" to your romantic life and see where it gets you; before you know it, the conversation above will turn into the conversation below:

Mindy: "Sweetie, I don't mean to beat a dead horse, but what's the attraction with this new guy of yours? He has no job, he drives a Pinto, he lies around all day watching reruns of Black Sheep Squadron, and he thinks Mount Rushmore is a natural rock formation!"

Mitzi: "I know - but hey, his socks match!"

Such temporary insanity is hardly limited, of course, to the female of the species; the roosters and bucks have their own set of card/relationship problems. Indeed, for many of us poor testosterone-cursed creatures, the seductive lure of an inside straight and the siren call of the female are so overwhelming as to be indistinguishable - and in the face of both temptations, reason often flies out the window. Witness, for example, the following brief exchanges:

Tom: "Hey, Harry - didn't you realize you were dead on the flop?"

Harry: "I know, I know."

Tom: "Then why'd you call the turn?"

Harry: "Are you kidding - did you see the size of that pot?"

From here, it's just an easy sand wedge to:

Tom: "Harry, I just heard - tell me it isn't so!"

Harry: "I know, I know … she's nothing but trouble."

Tom: "Trouble?! She wrecked your car, emptied your bank account, ran over your dog, and burned down your house! Why on earth would you marry her?"

Harry: "Are you kidding - she's totally hot!"

Beginning to get scared yet? Me too! Let's face it - if the average person conducted his love life with the same logic-defying methods that the average card player employs at the table, most relationships would be so disastrous that it's doubtful the human race could survive at all; the propagation of the species would be in severe jeopardy.

Now there's a thought to keep on file for when temptation visits and tries to get you off your game. In fact … wait a minute … Eureka! I've found it - the key to maintaining discipline at the tables! What could be more plain? Whenever you feel the urge to enter a pot with a piece of cheese, simply remind yourself that there's a lot more riding on the decision than the fate of your silly bankroll - indeed, the very future of the world lies in your (poker) hands.