The Etiquette of Poker

Poker is a unique enterprise, which gives rise to special questions of etiquette, none of which have ever been adequately addressed by Emily Post. To rectify this situation, I will now describe some perplexing situations that all of us face from time to time, with commonsense advice on how to deal with them.

Food for thought: Let's start with one of the most embarrassing situations of all. You're in a tournament and order dinner. Before it arrives, you get knocked out. You can't remain in the seat. There's no room to eat elsewhere in the tournament area, and even if there were, you wouldn't want everyone staring at you. You just want to slink out as unobtrusively as possible. You aren't permitted to go into the kitchen to look for your waiter. If you hang around your table waiting for him, he'll take an hour to show up, while everybody is shooting you funny looks. If you try to slip out, he'll appear a second later and start yelling, "Hey, where's that baldheaded guy? He owes me for an order of moo goo gai pan."

What to do? Well, there's really only one solution: Fake a heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out. Should the waiter show up as you're being wheeled off, tell him to box the moo goo gai pan and put it in the ambulance.

Let the chips fall where they may: Let's say you've just gotten busted in a game. As you shuffle out, head down in hangdog fashion, you spot an enticing $100 chip on the floor under someone's chair. Do you play the good Samaritan by picking it up and handing it to the player, hoping he'll reward you generously for your honesty? The ungrateful jerk will no doubt just mumble "Thanks" without even looking at you. Won't that make you feel stupid? Besides, he's got so many chips in front of him that he hasn't even missed that one. And what if it was dropped by someone who had sat there earlier? Or, what if someone else dropped it and it rolled over? If you ask if anyone lost a $100 chip, it's a given that every hand at the table - if not in the whole casino - will spring up, and the only thing you'll accomplish will be to start a fistfight.

You could just walk away, but that wouldn't be the answer, either, because then some dishonest railbird will grab it. There's just one way out of this dilemma: bend down, pretend you're tying your shoelace, and take the chip into protective custody. Then, check the lost and found listing of the local paper for a week. If no one runs an ad during that period, you may keep the chip with an honest conscience.

Never say you're sorry: Now, let's say you just knocked someone out of a tournament by making a 1,000-1 runner-runner hand in a pot you had absolutely no business being in, and your opponent is fuming. What do you say - "Gee, I'm sorry; I got lucky"? Don't bother. He knows you got lucky, and he also knows that you're not sorry. All you'll do is infuriate him further - unless that was your intention in the first place. The answer depends on the size and ferocity of the player you've just eliminated. If he's as big and ornery-looking as Big Denny, it's best to say nothing, unless you offer to stake him in tomorrow's tournament. Probably just shrug and make an apologetic little gesture with your hands and let it go at that. But if he's a little wimp, and particularly if he's a little wimp you don't like, you might send him on his way with a parting shot such as, "Thanks for playing," or, "How could you play that hand?" which is always good for a laugh.

To tell or not to tell: One of the most common dilemmas in poker is deciding what to do when a player next to you is exposing his cards. Well, as our Card Player experts invariably say when asked how to play a certain hand, "It depends." Depends on what? It depends on whether the player is exposing his cards to you or to someone on his other side. If he's flashing them so the other guy can see them, it's up to you to protect him and the integrity of poker by advising him of his carelessness.

If he's holding his cards so that you can see them, things get a tad more complicated, and you shouldn't rush into things. For example, a player who is insecure and defensive might think you are criticizing his ineptitude and take offense. You wouldn't want to do that, would you? And sometimes a warning doesn't even do any good. For example, one time I was seated next to a player who was dead-drunk and recklessly exposing his cards. In a fit of conscience, I quietly said to him, "Excuse me, sir, you're holding your cards so I can see them."

"Y'can?" he slurred. "Thash good, 'cause I can't. Kin ya tell me what I got?"

OK, so you don't say anything. But now, this question arises: Do you take advantage of the player and peek at his cards, or be a Boy Scout and look away? Well, it depends. Depends on what? It depends on whether or not you're in a hand and need to see his cards, of course.

What to say to a legend: Let me close this instructional manual on a personal note. Some of my fans become overwhelmed when they spot a legend like me and become tongue-tied, not knowing what to say. Usually, they stammer what an honor it is to meet me, how brilliant a writer I am, that I'm the first (and sometimes only) thing they read in Card Player, and so on. Well, sure, I know all that, and it's very flattering. But what you really should say is, "Can I buy two copies of your book?" and "I'm going to get up a petition demanding that your cheapskate boss Barry Shulman pay you more money."