Magic Potions

I set a new record the other day. Last year I was the youngest player ever to lose his money in a senior's event at the WSOP. This year I became the only guy in the history of the event to lose his money before his 51st birthday. When I decide to set records, I don't fuck about.

There's only three rules you need to observe in Seniors poker.

• Never pass a toilet.
• Never trust a fart.
• Turn up at least 20 minutes late if you don't want to listen to Oklahoma Johnny banging on for ever before exhorting you to swear an oath of allegiance to the United States of America, regardless of your nationality.

At least I got this bit right. Before I knocked myself out, I noticed a poster on the wall advertising a super pill which was obviously aimed at senior citizens. An old buddy of mine, Larry from Texas, was sitting beside me. So I tried to help him out by drawing his attention to the ad and I respectfully suggested he had nothing to lose by giving it a go. He seemed quite interested and touched by my concern for my fellow man but pointed out that one of the properties claimed by the advertisers was that this pill boosted mental focus and sex drive and as he was of the opinion that these were competing forces, decided it was a pass.

I gave the pot-limit Omaha high-low a brief spin the next day, which was a good idea because Adam Heller sorted out the super pill conundrum. He immediately spotted that the correct play was to take half a tablet and keep both the wife and the sudoku handy to be prepared for all possibilities.

My next move was cheaper. I returned to the seniors tournament to sweat Mad Marty who was making his way triumphantly through the field to the final table. He wasn't doing it quietly either. He talked Men the Master out of a huge stack in a hand we'll have to listen to for centuries to come (at least it will feel like centuries). Men had 9-2 in the big blind and Marty had limped with 5-5. On a 10-5-2 flop Men check-raised Marty, who called muttering "I've played this all wrong." I don't know what Men was thinking though I strongly suspect that he just wanted to get as far away from Marty as possible because when a 3 came on the turn he moved all-in. It was probably a welcome relief.

Not long afterwards, Marty raised to 60,000. Some guy whose attempts at comedy were quite frankly embarrassing asked Marty if 60 was his age (this was one of his better efforts). Marty replied "No, but it's probably your IQ." The consensus on the rail was that Marty was maybe giving the guy a bit the best of it.

Luckily the final table of the seniors clashed with the $1,000 no-limit hold'em rebuy. So I got to save a good few quid by joining a very international group who showed up to support Marty. He didn't deserve any less. Bruce Atkinson turned up at the start, impersonating a fat guy who died on a toilet. Unfortunately they weren't any toilets around so he sang an Elvis song instead. Unlucky.

Visit PokerTrillion.com to read more about Padraig Parkinson at the WSOP.