"I'd like to be, under the sea."
There will be a lot of people who read the title of this column and think, "I know what he's talking about; I know where he got this idea, and he's stealing the phrase!"
Well, I have my vices, but plagiarism isn't one of them (mine run more to French fries and cinnamon pastries). So, let me set the stage here …
A long time ago (the late 1980s, early 1990s), in a home poker game far, far away (OK, it was actually in Mountain View, California), a bunch of computer geeks played a tiny-stakes no-limit hold'em cash game. I was one of those geeks. Some of the other geeks would go on to become legendary in the poker world. In fact, as a group, they would become known as the "Tilt Boys," and a book would be written about them. The tallest of them was a fellow named Phil Gordon. Yes,
that Phil Gordon, of TV and
World Poker Tour Championship fame, and now a principal at Full Tilt Poker. Phil and I recently had a good laugh over "what a long, strange trip it's been," but back then, we were just two computer dweebs playing poker at Keith Thompson's house.
Anyway, at some point in his career, Phil uttered perhaps the most important single phrase that any good poker player can remember:
Don't tap on the aquarium.
Surely you've seen this phrase in public aquariums and pet shops. Why do they not want you tapping on the aquarium?
Because it disturbs the fish.
I am appalled at the number of players who seem to miss the importance of this simple yet invaluable concept. And at the risk of "profiling" my target audience, I will say that young male players are the most guilty of this heinous sin (women seem to learn early on that honey catches more flies than vinegar does). It is simply beyond my ken how a good, winning player can berate, taunt, and otherwise abuse bad, losing players. Lest we forget it, the bad, losing players are the winning player's customers. It is as simple as that. If you walk into a store and the owner calls you names and makes fun of you, you're not as inclined to return.
And yet, too many of the youngsters in this game have created a culture of "us" (the clever, we've read the books, and post on the Internet forums players) versus "them" (everybody else). And they delight in sharing jokes among themselves about how bad the great unwashed masses are at the game. Most disturbingly, these fellows will make those comments right across the table, or in public forums where anybody can read them.
I could make arguments that this is poor manners, that I know your parents raised you better than that, and so on, but let me try a financial argument: "Are you out of your minds?"
By berating and abusing bad players, you are encouraging them to do two things: (1) stop playing the way they're playing (that is, start playing better), and/or (2) stop playing altogether. Look, a lot of people know they're bad players, but this is their entertainment; they like a good poker game. But nobody, not even a bad player, wants to be humiliated in public by the "cool kids."
Two examples:
Example No. 1 - At PokerStars (and I presume at other poker sites), there is a growing problem of player A reminding player B just how bad B is, because A has looked up B's results on one of the various websites that tracks people's online poker results. We see it in chat boxes all the time: "You don't have a chance here, B; I've looked up your results on sitandgostats.com, and you're losing 0.7 buy-ins every time you play a sit-and-go." What possible good can this do? You've humiliated the worst player at the table. Maybe he'll play anyway, or maybe he'll think, "Wow, he's right," and stop playing. Who knows, but you've poisoned the atmosphere at the table, and upset one of the weakest players.
Example No. 2 - I was recently amazed (and disgusted) to see a bunch of players on a major poker forum discussing how ZUZUBEE (yes, I changed the name) is surely the worst player in online poker, that he must be spewing thousands of dollars, that if you can't beat this guy, you should hang up your mouse, and so on. Fellas, does this make you feel better when you're on a losing streak? Does it make you feel important and powerful to verbally beat up on the weak player and make fun of him with your buddies? Has it ever occurred to you what might happen if ZUZUBEE read all of those posts?
In a recent column, I talked about T.J. Cloutier and some of the old-school players. Their early poker days were very different. Perhaps one of the most important aspects was that there were many fewer fish, and they had to be carefully nurtured and cared for. You won't ever see T.J. or Doyle Brunson or Barry Greenstein abuse a bad player. Those guys understand that they eat because the bad player likes to play poker with them. In fact, many folks enjoy playing against dramatically better players, just so they can say they did it. After all, if you're a golfer, wouldn't you love to play 18 holes with Tiger Woods, knowing you'd get creamed? But what a story to tell at your local club!
Now, maybe you're not so well-known that bad players beat a path to your door to give you their money, but the principle is the same. If you abuse them, they will beat a path away from your table, and your bankroll will reflect this.
What's so sad about this is that it's not complex; it's not one of those subtle points that we have to read 300-400 pages of Sklansky or Harrington to understand. You just have to remember one sentence, five words, from my buddy Phil Gordon:
Don't tap on the aquarium.
"It disturbs the fish." 
Lee Jones is the author of the best-selling book Winning Low Limit Hold'em.
