Nolan Dalla, now the media director for Harrah's Entertainment, is the man who came up with the idea and worked out his own formulas for what has evolved into
Card Player's current Player of the Year standings. Dalla's Player of the Year standings were presented annually in a column that he wrote for
Card Player, and his formulas were revised over time to what they are today. If he ever wants to follow up with a "Hustler of the Year" award, it would be much easier. Just give Frank "Hollywood" Henderson the lifetime achievement award and let it go at that.
I recently ran into Henderson, and he handed me a news clipping. The story reported that the government plans to issue a series of "First Lady" $10 coins minted in 24-karat gold. Four coins, starting with Martha Washington and the next three presidential wives, would be available each year. The back of the coins would depict a scene from the women's lives, such as Martha sewing a button on the president's uniform, Abigail Adams writing her husband a letter, and so on. When they get around to Hillary, maybe they'll depict her hitting Bill on the head with a vase after learning about Monica. On the other hand, if she becomes president, and he gets his own "first spouse" coin, I wonder if they'd dare show him in the act.
"Very interesting, Frank," I said. "But if you're trying to sell me any of those coins, I'm not interested. They're probably counterfeit, anyway."
Henderson's face fell. "How hurtful, Max. When have I ever tried to deceive you?"
"How about the time you told me you were sanctioned by the International Poker Federation to sell the rights to have poker hands named after players? I paid you to have A-A-2-3, my favorite Omaha high-low hand, named a "Max Shapiro." Then I learned you had sold the same hand to three other guys."
"They weren't the same, they were in different suits. Look, Max, this is legit. I'm giving you, along with a few other select top players, the chance to have your image engraved on coins. Just think how much you could sell them for on eBay."
"Thanks anyway, Frank," I said, walking away.
Still, I had trouble getting his idea out of my head. It reminded me of the time I tried to sell the post office people the idea of putting poker players on stamps. I had lots of brilliant suggestions - like the Big Denny stamp; lick it and it tastes like a pork chop. It's for bulk mail, of course. Or, the player (named deleted) everyone would like to see canceled. Or, the Barbara Enright stamp; it would sell for twice its face value because Barbara raises everything. I even proposed the Max Shapiro stamp, because everyone can lick him in poker. It could be used for all mail except hair mail. But the postal guys wouldn't go for it. They said poker players would be inappropriate for stamps, because one bad beat and they come unglued.
But the coin idea might work, I thought. After all, a few casinos have sold limited-edition live-action commemorative chips featuring name players. Barbara is on four of them: "Player of the Year" at the Four Queens; a
World Series of Poker "Women's Milestones" chip from Binion's Horseshoe; one from the old Oceanside Card Club; and, just recently, on a Hollywood Park seniors chip. Oklahoma Johnny Hale, not to be outdone, also has the honor of being on a poker chip. Of course, he put himself on it. It's a $10 seniors chip. Good luck trying to cash one in any casino.
Anyway, the idea of designing poker player coins intrigued me, especially if I added some defining illustration or phrase on the reverse side, like they plan to do for the presidents' wives. Finally, I decided to bypass Henderson and design and sell my own coins. After a lot of creative thought, here's what I came up with:
Some coin designs, of course, would be very obvious, such as Johnny Chan with his lucky orange, Greg Raymer and his holographic glasses, Dan Harrington and a shamrock, Sammy Farha and a cigarette, a grinder for Michael Mizrachi, and so on. Men "The Master" Nguyen's coin, naturally, would feature a bottle of Corona.
Phil Hellmuth could have either a baby's bassinet or his favorite phrase: "How could you play that hand?" We couldn't put any of John Bonetti's coise woids on a coin, but an illustration of a dealer with thrown cards piercing his chest would work as well.
We'll give Max "The Italian Pirate" Pescatori a pirate's patch, and T.J. Cloutier (a former Canadian Football League player) a goal post; for Howard "The Professor" Lederer, a cap and gown.
For Barry Greenstein, "The Robin Hood of Poker," a dueling sword would be appropriate, and so would a straitjacket for Action Al. And while Chris "Jesus" Ferguson would merit a halo, a slice of pizza would suffice for Vince Burgio.
Ralph the Rattler's coin would be adorned with a picture of Elvis Presley. Why Elvis? Because he once recorded the Rattler's theme song:
Snake, Rattle and Roll. I guess I'll include Doomsday Don. He'll have an atomic bomb mushroom cloud.
I know Hale would want to be on a coin. The trouble is that I couldn't fit all of the names he has given himself - "Oklahoma Johnny," "Gentleman Gambler," "The Elder Statesman of Poker," and so on, and so on - on a single piece. So, go do your own, Johnny.
Of course, I don't dare forget Barry Shulman. A money vault would be perfect for him.
And for myself, well, either a fish or an all-day sucker lollipop.
The reigning
WSOP Champion Jamie Gold certainly deserves to be included, but due to the well-publicized legal problems he had over his payout, instead of a $10 coin, I'll have to put him on a $5 piece.
My final choice would be former Sen. Bill Frist, the rat who promised that the Unlawful Internet Gaming Enforcement Act would safeguard America's morals, then very immorally got it passed by sneaking it through on an unrelated bill. I would put a picture of him on both sides of the coin. Why on both sides? Because he's a two-faced s.o.b.
The Bill Frist coins wouldn't be legal tender, of course. The best they could be used for would be restroom tokens.
Max Shapiro, a lifelong poker player and former newspaper reporter with several writing awards to his credit, has been writing a humor column for Card Player ever since it was launched 20 years ago. His early columns were collected in his book, Read 'em and Laugh.
