Poker Sandwiches

Had I written a column every time Action Al badgered me with one of his loopy story ideas, I would have have accumulated enough material for a dozen encyclopedias. Recently I ran into him again, and he immediately greeted me with a question: “Say, Max, how come you never use any of the column ideas I give you?”

“Because,” I answered as diplomatically as I could, “none of them ever make any sense.”
“Not so fast, Max, I’ve got a really great one this time. “You see,” he babbled on before I could stop him, “the Rio is opening a fancy sandwich shop in time for the World Series. So how about you help them out by giving them a list of signature sandwiches inspired by the personalities of well-known poker players?”

With that, he handed me the names he “just happened” to have with him. The concept wasn’t up to my usual standards, but after 30 years of writing for Card Player, material is a little hard to come by. And I guess there’s some validity to connecting sandwiches with cards since the sandwich was devised by the fourth Earl of Sandwich so he could play cards without using a fork or getting his cards greasy by eating meat with his bare hands. I agreed to give the column a try after we reached a financial settlement whereby Al would pay me $10 for each time I mentioned him. (Action Al. Action Al. Action Al. Action Al.)

I changed a couple of names and added a few more, but most of the celebrity sandwiches are Al’s creations, so don’t blame me. Here’s the list:

The Phil Hellmuth: A stuffed ham sandwich with plenty of lettuce (money). That’s a good start.
The Mike “The Mouth” Matusow: A tongue sandwich with lots of hot mustard.
The Big Denny: An extra-fatty beef sandwich.
The Phil Galfond: Beef sliders (because of the big slide in his old New York apartment).
The Daniel “Kid Poker” Negreanu: Since a kid is a young goat, let’s name a goat meat sandwich after him.
The Dirty Wally: Because of all the baloney my dearly-departed friend fed me over the years – his hundreds of tournament wins, all the movies he starred in, his “marriage” to Mamie Van Doren – it’s only fitting that a bologna sandwich should bear his name.
The Andy Bloch: We’ll name the “21” club sandwich after him, because besides being a top poker player, Bloch got his start in gaming while studying at MIT where he became part of the MIT blackjack team, which was featured in the book, Bringing Down the House. He also starred in his own instructional card-counting blackjack DVD.
The Michael “The Grinder” Mizrachi: Credit “The Grinder” with a ground meat sandwich.
The Phil Laak: That’s a good name for a bagel, “Laaks” and cream cheese sandwich.
The Jennifer Tilly: Now we’ll bring in his actress girlfriend who once won a ladies championship and name a double-breasted chicken sandwich after her.
The Antonio “The Magician” Esfandiari: Let’s pull a rabbit out of a hat and bestow a rabbit sandwich in his honor.
The Chris Moneymaker: For his role in setting off the poker explosion, he deserves to bear the name of the hero sandwich.
The Russ Hamilton: A rotten meat “anti-hero” sandwich for the Ultimate Bet scandal guy.
The Faraz “The Toilet” Jaka: Faraz, another successful poker player, is well known for his penchant for playing any two suited cards in hopes of making a flush. Hence his nickname of “The Toilet.” So what foodstuff does that bring to mind? Why, S.O.S, of course – better known as shit on a shingle.
The Joe Hachem: That’s kangaroo meat in a pita-pouch sandwich for our Australian friend.
The Carlos “El Matador” Mortensen: I’m not sure how good a bull sandwich would taste, but let’s add it to the list anyway.
The Mike “Bigfoot” Paulle: That’s a big foot-long sandwich.
The Cyndy Violette: This health food devotee opened Violette’s Vegan, an organic vegan restaurant in Las Vegas this year, so she gets the honor of being named for the veggie burger.
The Barbara Enright: We’ll name the panini sandwich after her. Why panini? Well, she loves to play pan (after all, she’s Jewish) and once wrote a column for a pan magazine.
The “Eskimo” Clark: The sloppy Joe sandwich.
The Doyle “Texas Dolly” Brunson: Dolly was the name of the domestic lamb which was the first animal in history to be cloned, so a lamb sandwich will hereby go by the title of a Texas Dolly.
The Humberto “The Shark” Brenes: This native of Costa Rica gained his nickname for using a toy shark as a card protector, also using it for taunting his opponents. Naturally he gets his name on shark sandwiches…with plenty of spicy salsa.
The Hans “Tuna” Lund: That’s right – a tuna sandwich. You’re catching on fast now,
The Chris “Jesus” Ferguson: Okay, let’s bring in a third fish sandwich. Fish are mentioned often in the Gospel, notably Jesus multiplying the fish and feeding the multitudes. Therefore, we will create a multiple fish sandwich in Chris’ name.
The David “Devilfish” Ulliott: Alright, alright, enough with fish. How about some bird sandwiches? You know, like The Bobby “The Owl” Baldwin and The Steve “The Bald Eagle” Zolotow?
The Railbird: No, this isn’t another bird sandwich. There’s only one sandwich that fits this pitiful creature: the po’ boy.
The Robert “Chip-Burner” Turner: That’s turkey with a side of burned chips.
The Mike Sexton: Mentioning sides, Al couldn’t find a sandwich to fit, but settled for a side of “common-taters.”

Well, enough of his cornball humor. Finally, I asked Al if he could come up with a Max Shapiro sandwich.

“That’s easy,” he smirked “A donkey-meat sandwich. Toasted.” ♠

Max Shapiro, a lifelong poker player and former newspaper reporter with several writing awards to his credit, has been writing a humor column for Card Player ever since it was launched more than 20 years ago. His early columns were collected in his book, Read ’em and Laugh.