One Time, Dealer: The Poetry of Poker

Have you ever wondered what it’s like to be a dealer on the circuit grind? Have a question about behavior, etiquette, or anything else related to running a poker game? Do you want to know what dealers really think about while they’re pitching cards? What it takes to become a dealer? How you should treat dealers? Are dealers people, too?

Send your questions for The Dealer Chick (TDC) to [email protected], and read on for more advice, adventures, and real talk about life on the road for a traveling poker dealer.

Hey Dealer Chick,

What are the overused comments or phrases by poker players that make dealers cringe?

— Signed,

Lover of Poker Lingo

Dear Poker Poet,

Please enjoy the spewing of phrases that every dealer hears every day. Within the parenthesis that follow each comment, I’ve inserted how a dealer would respond… if they could. Enjoy!
Kings are ace magnets. (Good thing you raised pre to get all the ace/rags out of there. Oh, wait, you didn’t.)
There’s only two ways to play jacks. (And yet, you seem to have missed both).
I knew I shouldn’t have folded that. (But you did, and no one cares.)
Does this mean I get to play the dealer heads-up? (Go home, Bob.)
Is it on me? (If I’m staring at you longingly, I merely wish for you to act.)
I won the first hand, tournament chip leader. (I’ll laugh when you bust.)
Can’t win them all if you don’t win the first one. (You’ll be lucky to make it past level one, Bob.)
Ace crackers. (Fold your 7-2, Bob).
Big blind special. (If people use air quotes when they call you special, it doesn’t mean what you think.)
Poker sorry. (F-off!)
Come on in, the water’s warm. (Says the fish.)
That’s what I put you on. (Then why did you call?)
Did you even shuffle? (Are you blind?)
I’m making a tight fold to you, out of respect. (You have no idea what he has, Bob.)
Pairs are hard to make in this game. (You play too many hands.)
One dealer per table. (You’re not it, stop talking.)
Is that a straddle? (What else would you call it?)
Is that a live five? (Pay attention, dumbass.)
Is it two to call? (Seriously, can you count? WTF are you doing?)
The old limp re-raise (Old and limp, hehehe.)
You can afford it, just call me. (He can afford it because he’s not the calling station, Bob.)
Chip and a chair. (Take them both, just go away.)
One more double up and I’m back in it. (You were never in it, Bob.)
I had to call. (Except that you didn’t.)
Pot odds. (Only apply if you understand them.)
I’m just playing my hand. (You have no idea what you’re doing.)
You play that garbage? (How did you make it past first break?)
I apologize in advance. (Please see: poker sorry.)
Did he check? (He tapped the table with his whole hand, Bob. Do you need me to call the floor because you’re a moron?)
Really dealer, you had to put that card on the river? (It’s gotta be fun for me, too.)
You couldn’t peel an ace off for me? (I’m obviously out to get you.)
I had you until the river. (You were praying he never bet. You suck at this game.)
I know you got me, but I call. (Why can’t you throw money at me like that?)
He was under-repping his big pair. (Every man thinks they’re under-repping their big pair.)
Deuces never lose-es. (Every day. Every. Damn. Day.)
I was trapping. (No one believes you.)
Bet your own hand. (Why, when he can count on you to do it, Bob?)
Can I get a wash? (Can you just play better?)
Pot committed. (Rationalizing a bad call.)
Dealer, I need a double up. (And I need to get laid, but here we both are.)
C’mon dealer, let’s hit the bad beat, I’ll tip you ten percent. (You are the definition of douchebag.)
You’re in trouble now boys, here comes my dealer. (I hate your guts, you non-tipping-shit-talking-douche-canoe.)
I had outs. (Go away.)
Streudel. (It’s cute if you’re a sweet old lady tipping in red birds.)
Nice value bet. (How would you know?)
The nuts, I folded the nuts. (Shut-up.)
Nit fold. (Shut.)
Nit call. (The f**k.)
Tight fold. (Up, Bob!)
You play that crap? (Can I EO and get on the table with these idiots?)
I don’t chop. (You won’t make it far enough to worry about it, Bob.)
Bubble boy. (Aw, sad face.)
I got the exact same cards three times. (And you still haven’t learned how to play them.)
Family pot. (Thankfully, I’m not related to any of you jack-wads.)
Good luck all-in. (Liars, all of you.)
They were suited. (Congrats on the extra one percent chance to win.)
Good fold. (Leave the reverse psychology to the experts, Bob.)
Yo! (What up, buttercup?)
Same bet. (As yesterday? Two hands ago? Literally not the same.)
I’ll put you all-in. (You’re not Clint Eastwood, you can’t make him call.)
Do you want me to fold? (I want you to call and bust so I can deal.)
Do you want me in there with you? (I just threw up in my mouth at the thought of you being anywhere with me. I’ve never wanted anything less in my life.)
Man, I’ve been playing for 24+ hours. (Please don’t breathe on me.)
Chicken. (Shit, hehehe.)
How much is the bet? (The action is on seat nine. You’re in seat five, Bob. Please stop talking.)
Too bad we’re not playing 7-2 on the side (You have aces, and you still won’t win.)
I got the ladies. (No one believes you’ve ever been close to a real woman.)
Gotta protect my children. (Virgin.)
Watch my chips for me, I’m coming back for my kids. (Your kids have been adopted by a rock, you have no chance.)
River rat. (Hehehe, gotcha.)
Aw, man, but you want that call all day long. (No, he wanted to win hence the whining.)
So sick. (What exactly was so sick about it? The flop? The river? The fact that you should’ve folded when he three-bet you pre?)
That guy who won the main event got so lucky. (You’re a third-string armchair quarterback.)
I’d rather be lucky than good. (No worries there, Bob.)
Let me tell you about this bad beat I took. (Please shoot me.) ♠