Former National Spelling Bee Champ Talks About Poker DownswingsHigh Stakes Poker Pro Opens Up About His Fear Of Failure |
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Even the best poker players in the world often doubt themselves. Pratyush Buddiga, a high-stakes poker pro with nearly $4 million in career live tournament earnings, recently posted a blog entry where he admitted to a near crippling fear of embarrassment and failure.
The 26-year-old Colorado native was able to trace his anxiety back to 2002, when at 13 he won the Scripps National Spelling Bee, along with a $12,000 scholarship, and went on to appear on programs such as The Today Show, American Morning with Paula Zahn and Jimmy Kimmel Live. He even got to meet President George W. Bush. Just two years later, his brother Akshay nearly won the family’s second title when he finished second in the National Spelling Bee.
My identity became inextricably tied up in my intelligence. I won the freaking National Spelling Bee — -I was supposed to be the guy who had all the answers. All of a sudden, if I missed a question in class, everybody would laugh. Kids were looking over to see my test scores and wildly celebrate if they beat me. We’d play a review game in class for a test and the other team would claim it was unfair that they didn’t have me. On and on it went. My entire life and thoughts were (and are, to this day) centered around avoiding the embarrassment of looking stupid. I had to maintain my image of the genius that everyone admired or my world would come crashing down.
Buddiga’s need for perfection continued into his poker career, but the Duke University graduate soon discovered that success wasn’t guaranteed in a world full of brutal variance that can often lead to prolonged downswings.
In 2013, Buddiga finished eighth in the $128,000 buy-in GuangDong Asia Millions for $772,870. Then in 2014, he won a $25,000 buy-in high roller event at Aria for $543,683, a $2,500 prelim event at the WPT Fallsview Poker Classic for $219,343 and took third in the APPT $64,000 buy-in high roller for $844,660. His 2015 campaign looked good on paper, scoring more than $680,000 in winnings, but those numbers shrink up when you start looking at numerous six-figure buy-ins.
My entire self-worth was tied to the results of these tourneys. When I won, I was a good person. When I lost, I was a bad person. I was embarrassed and hated myself every time I busted a tournament. When the losses began to pile up, I truly loathed Pratyush Buddiga, the person I saw as a charlatan poker player, who was never as good as people once thought.
Buddiga ended the blog entry vowing to get over his fear of failure by learning to start separating his self-image from his accomplishments.
Each failure is an opportunity to practice compassion and mindfulness towards myself. This journey is just beginning. I know there are going to be many slipups and falls along the way. I’m sure there are going to be nights where I stew in misery thinking I’m the worst person on Earth. But I hope those nights become fewer and farther in between.
Click here to read the blog in its entirety. Buddiga was profiled for Card Player Magazine back in December of 2014.
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