The Bare Essentials of Poker - Part II

In Part I of this saga, I described how poker was about to achieve another milestone with the filming of three "National Lampoon's Strip Poker" productions at a nude-beach resort in Jamaica with Kato Kaelin as one of the stars, Barbara Enright as the technical poker adviser, and me tagging along as a dirty-old-man voyeur. The productions are the brainchild of The Glasure Group, which is also currently producing "Poker Bowl USA."

It is now 6:30 a.m. in Negril, Jamaica, and our Air Jamaica flight 8894 carrying most of the cast and crew of National Lampoon's Strip Poker has just landed in the hot and humid airport. Kato Kaelin is on board, and we soon discover what a delightful character he is: friendly, engaging, and hilariously funny and quick-witted. (He's just the type of person you'd like to have as a houseguest.) For example, immediately after we board a bus for the ride to our hotel, we notice that vehicles drive on the left side of the road in this country. "Everything is backwards here," he explains. "If you get sick, you dial 119." Along the way, we see thick black smoke rising from a pile of wood burning on the side of the road and wonder what it's for. "They're cooking road kill," Kato informs us.

We arrive at Hedonism II, a sprawling resort that we discover has two beaches – a nude beach and a "prude beach." Much like Club Med, guests have everything included: room, all meals, entertainment, and numerous activities, including water sports, a water slide, rock climbing, and even trapeze lessons. And all the liquor is free. Very seductive. Although the price is as high as $3,000 per couple, we heard of people returning as many as 70 times.

After a few hours of rest, the 16 poker players/models gather for their first poker lessons from Barbara. All of them have appeared in Fit Beauties, a male-oriented physical conditioning magazine featuring scantily clad (but clothed) models. Rob Sims, publisher of the magazine, is also on hand. Apart from the usual clichéd jokes ("I have a big pair," "She just busted out"), I'm wondering what I'm going to find to write about. I don't have to wait long, because Barbara immediately discovers that she has her work cut out for her. Poker, she learns, is virtually a totally unknown quantity for these girls. "What's an ace?" one asks. Barbara is greeted with giggles when she uses the term, "I have the nuts." Another girl points to a card and asks if the "clover" on the design has any meaning. Patiently, Barbara explains that it is a club, one of the suits.

Barbara Enright and Kato Kaelin take a break from giving poker lessons to 16 poker player / models.

"The only clubs she's familiar with are the ones that have a $20 cover charge," Kato cracks.

"It's a good thing I'm not trying to teach them Omaha," Barbara mutters.

There's a near disaster when Barbara starts demonstrating the basics of poker, using a large, unused Japanese grill as a makeshift table. "These cards are hot," she says in bewilderment, not realizing that she accidentally hit the grill's switch with her knee. Talk about a burn card. Things cool down when the switch is turned off, the lessons continue for two days, and the models start to get into the game. It's an object lesson in how beguiling and addictive poker can be as these complete neophytes become increasingly enthusiastic.

A regulation poker table has been flown in at enormous expense, and is set up outdoors near one of the pools. It will be left behind because it costs more to ship than it's worth. The games and filming commence, with the models and camera crews battling the heat, humidity, and sudden splatters of rain that necessitate regular breaks. I am attempting to do my usual comprehensive hand-by-hand tournament reporting, but I am confined to a small monitor and it is difficult to see the cards and follow the action. As items of clothing begin to peel off, I conscientiously try to sneak up to see better (the cards, that is), but get beaten back each time by the cameramen. Fortunately, they don't hit as hard as Barbara did the day before when she caught me trying to sneak off to the nude beach.

I continue to do the best I can by the monitor. The girls, instructed to mix it up vocally, are obviously having fun in spite of the oppressive weather. A young woman dresser (in this case, an un-dresser) livens things up. As she pulls off shorts from a player who has just lost a hand, she adds a sharp smack to the loser's thonged bottom. Talk about adding injury to insult.

Play continues, and before long the table is ringed by bare boobs. Jamaica has become Silicone Valley. This may be for TV, but it sure won't be flat-screen. Soon, we also have masses of asses, and one by one, the girls go busted (I knew I'd find a place for that line), dive into the pool, and swim away to be heckled by Kato. There were lots of amusing moments. For example, one of the knocked-out girls walked up to Barbara in the altogether. She was annoyed at herself because she didn't pay enough attention at poker school and didn't fully grasp the concept of folding. She wonders if she could be given another chance in the second or third movie. "Why don't you ask the director?" Barbara advises her. "I can't," the nude girl replies. "I'm too shy."

In the first shooting, a girl by the name of Tracy loses the first hand and is immediately bare-breasted, but makes a great comeback and is our first winner. Her secret? She asked Barbara for private lessons.

On three nights, impromptu tournaments are set up using cash instead of clothes. Sitting in are cast members, head Lampoon guy Barry Layne, film director Jeff Androsky, and a couple of passersby. In the first two games, Barbara breaks everybody. The teacher has no remorse at taking advantage of her students. "It's good experience for them," she says, counting her winnings.

In one hand, the board shows three jacks and three hearts. Barbara moves in. Kato, with a flush, hesitates. Barbara takes pity on him. "I'll show you one of my cards," she offers. He points to one and Barbara turns up an irrelevant 10. Happily, Kato calls and Barbara turns up her other card, a fourth jack, to knock him out. "What would you have done if he had pointed to the jack?" I ask. My sweetie shakes her head at my naiveté. "I wouldn't have shown it to him, of course."

But Kato gets his revenge the next evening. With me dealing, he knocks Barbara out in third place. She had him trapped with two pair, but I deal him an inside-straight card on the river. Barbara returns the favor after I get heads up and she takes over the deal. I'm all in with pocket tens to Kato's A-J. He catches a jack on the river, breaks me, gathers in all of the chips, and whoops it up like he just won a World Series of Poker bracelet.

The strip-poker action continues, and after several days, all of the naked losers have jumped into the pool. Filming continues with various comedy scenes and a poker interview with Barbara, and finally it's all over but for post-production and the launching of a new era in poker. In my dreams, I prepare an acceptance speech after winning a Pulitzer Prize for my brilliant reporting of this seminal (no pun intended) event.

But a Pulitzer was peanuts compared to what came next. I, Max Shapiro, would be given an acting part!

To be continued in the next issue.