More Pet Peeves

As I began writing my last column regarding some of my pet peeves about players, I thought I'd be able to deal with all of them in one column and then move on to casino personnel. Wrong! I only scratched the surface. And "scratching" reminds me of another pet peeve that I need to add to the list! Anyway, here we go with round two of the things that I find annoying at the poker table that I think players could improve. Many of these items may or may not bother you. If you are oblivious to them, I am very happy for you. In doing an informal survey of my friends, I found that I was not alone in being annoyed.



So, since I mentioned scratching, let's start there. I find it terribly unsettling when someone continually scratches himself at a poker table. Of course, an occasional tickle needs to be dealt with, but constant skin-removing scratching should be done away from the table. And then there are those of the male gender who scratch themselves all too often "down there." I have to believe that a guy who continually touches himself needs to find better-fitting shorts. Enough said. And how about the "pick"? Please, get a tissue! Remember the old Seinfeld episode about the pick? Please be considerate of others, as we all were taught at some point in our lives.



There are those who seem to have gone to what used to be called Normal School. That's what they used to call schools where teachers-to-be went. There are far too many professors in the game who feel the need to give lessons ad nauseam. If someone wants to play badly, why educate him or make him feel so stupid that he wants to leave the game? The reason why games are good is that people don't play well. We want them in the game. Please don't instruct, lecture, give examples, strategize, or otherwise teach bad players how to win. Let them have fun; that is why many folks play poker, you know. They don't care if they win or not. Sure, they would rather win, but they primarily want to play in a nonthreatening and fun environment. If you belittle them for their play, the geese will go home and take the golden eggs with them.



Also, please learn to "let it go." Once a hand is over, it's over. There is no need for a postmortem or other explanation of the hand – for example, why you did what you did, why your opponent should have done something different, and so on. Whining and moaning over spilled milk is not only pointless, it is downright annoying.



Another favorite of mine is asking to see another player's hand. If you were dealt into the hand, yes, it is your right to see a called hand. Does that mean you should do it? No. Unless you have a valid reason for asking to see a hand (such as concern over a duplicate card or other similar situation), you should not do it. It is to be used when there are concerns over possible collusion or other bad situations. It is not a tool for "getting a read" on your opponents, and it generally just starts a war and slows down the game. Player A asks to see player B's hand, so now B demands to see A's hand. This goes on and on and annoys everyone at the table, and is not what the rule is there for. Please be a part of the solution rather than the problem. Don't adopt these types of habits. They will not make you a better player, and likely will do just the opposite. Once you alienate players at a table, they tend to play better against you. Players who like you are more apt to give you their money than those you have ticked off! Try it; being a good guy just might improve your results.



Oh, yes, there are more – for example, telling everyone at the table how bad you have run for 72 years. Not only don't people care, they hope it continues. If you are running bad, you need to keep it to yourself. It is much easier to beat up on a player who is already beating up on himself. When you tell the players at the table how unlucky you are, you are empowering them to play better against you and even try to "get lucky" against you. Why not sit down and tell them how lucky you are? Think about the difference in your opponents' perception of you?



While some cardrooms allow eating at the table, some do not. If you choose to eat at the table, please remember your manners. Chewing with your mouth open and talking with a mouthful as food particles fall onto the table is gross! Licking your fingers after polishing off that 12th chicken wing is another bad habit. Not only are you licking every card and chip you have touched, but you are now handling those same objects again. When you are done eating, wash up and check your teeth for foreign matter. Toothpicks are great, and I don't even have a problem with those of you who keep one in your mouth for hours on end. However, please don't actually pick your teeth at the table. It just isn't cool, and cool is what it's all about, right? I wish cardrooms wouldn't allow gum, but that won't happen anytime soon. If you choose to chew gum, please don't pop it, smack it, and chew it with your mouth open. And for heaven's sake, when you are through with it, please dispose of it properly! The correct spots for disposal do not include the underside of the poker table. If I had $1 for every time I have gotten gum on my pants over the years …



Although I could go on forever (I guess I really am intolerant!) I'd like to conclude with something of which many of you might not be aware. Most cardrooms are nonsmoking now. This is great for all of us, even the smokers. It has created a new problem, though. Everyone congregates right outside the door to light up. This makes for a gauntlet of sorts that one must push through in order to get to the board to sign up. Please be kind enough to step aside a bit in order that the cardroom's business is not compromised by the crowd. I know that I would appreciate it. Class dismissed.

Please don't forget the Oasis Open, Sept. 1-6. Please e-mail your poker-related comments, column ideas, and questions to [email protected]. Also, you are invited to visit http://www.cardplayercruises.com/.