Practice With Me, 'Nice Hand, Sir'

Keep your mouth shut. That's it – just four little words. Keep … your … mouth … shut. It really shouldn't be that difficult. I had gotten to the point recently where I was considering it a positive session if I was just able to keep my thoughts to myself the entire time. Seriously, I was actually embarrassed after a small winning session a while back because I couldn't just stay quiet while others around me were playing ridiculous poorly – and beating me, of course.



It seems that a couple of months ago, someone had slipped me some sort of pill, or perhaps spiked my drink. All I know is that I had somehow contracted a possibly fatal strain of Hellmuth-itis. It makes me cringe to be honest with you about my affliction. And I cringe even more to think of myself as a player who would resort to attacking other players verbally for catching lucky cards against me.



There are few things more irritating while playing cards than players incessantly yapping when they lose a hand. Long-shot winner though it may be, you need to keep your trap squarely closed, for many reasons. This behavior speaks to a lack of self-control, weakness of ego, and just plain poor sportsmanship. We are talking about the whammy of all whammys here. You just have to say no … er, just say nothing! Of course, this is all to say nothing of the fact that it simply is not in your own best interest in the game you are in.



It is direly important to keep the person who's playing poorly at the table, as well as happy while he's there. If you or I decide to make someone feel incredibly stupid while playing poker, he may do one of several things. He may leave, thereby making it impossible for you to recoup your losses against a player who is playing some poor hands and taking them too far. This also should make you feel bad, as you are being such a jerk that you're actually driving someone away from the table. Another possibility is that the individual will smarten up and begin playing tougher. Now, we certainly don't want to take all of the live players out there and force them to tighten up their games and play better against us.



I know that some of you are thinking to yourselves, "Well, Joe, I actually play much better against opponents who are stronger. They make smarter decisions and I am able to read them better." Nonsense – straight-up nonsense. I have incorrectly said the same thing before, and I know where you are coming from with this thinking, but it is off base and pretty illogical, if you think about it.



The fact of the matter is not that we have a greater opportunity to win more money from the better players, but that we are just more comfortable with players who play by the book. They do things that make sense, and we therefore don't get as angry when we lose to them. After all, it doesn't sting as much to lose with the A Q to the A K in a four-way pot as it does to lose with the A A to the 6 3 in a four-way pot. Losing to a better hand is just something that is expected.



Catching up with miracle cards isn't, and isn't welcomed or, more importantly, accepted easily. It should be accepted quietly, though.



Besides the comfort issue, it is just so counterintuitive to suggest that the tougher the competition, the easier time we have. What we should be thinking is that the weaker the competition, the fewer pots we will win – but the pots we win will be much bigger. In the end, all of this will even out and the stronger players will dominate. I think we all know this intellectually, but in practice it is much tougher to remember, at least in the heat of battle.



Nevertheless, we gotta learn to zip it up. I was being so absurdly demonstrative when someone caught up to me at the end of a hand that I honestly compared myself to a kindergarten student: "You've got my toy! I want it back! Now!" Joe: "You played that garbage under the gun?! Are you kidding?!" See what I mean?



We all should make this a personal issue for ourselves, as well. Do we really have such little confidence in ourselves and our games that we need to attack players who get lucky from time to time? This is the question that I had to ask myself. I really felt awful and terribly embarrassed at the end of the night after I had been crying and whining. No doubt, it's tough to stay silent when you get outdrawn several hands in a row, but come on, we are supposed to be adults. I decided to think of games to trick myself into keeping my composure. Let's look at it in a professional sports light: I began to picture myself as Terrell Owens every time I wanted to start whining at the table. I saw myself standing on the star in Texas Stadium, looking like the biggest jerk in all of sports. I pictured myself tearing down the San Francisco 49ers and then complaining that the Eagles aren't paying me enough money. If you are a T.O. fan, sorry, but you have to admit that he often doesn't look like the model of a good sportsman.



So, that's my lecture, and it's probably more for myself than it is for you. I have dedicated every ounce of my poker-playing self to keeping a cool head, and an even cooler mouth, and I sincerely hope that you will, too. I think the poker community, as well as our own individual games, will benefit from all of us staying quiet, except to say three simple words: "Nice hand, sir."

Joe Sebok loves to hear all of your comments and concerns. You can reach him at [email protected], and can view all of his past columns at www.barrygreenstein.com under the "joepoker" link.