On my way to Vegas one day, I made my usual stop at Big Denny's Barstow Card Casino and asked the big guy how business was.
"Lousy, Maxey, an' gettin' worse. Dem farmers here, dey been losin' interest in comin' ta my joint. Ya got any ideas on how ta bring dem back?"
I started to suggest that he try running some honest games, but thought better of it. Instead, I offered to take him to Vegas for a few days. "You can stay with me, check out the casinos, and maybe get some ideas."
I came to regret my generosity. The drive took three times longer than normal because Denny insisted on stopping at every hamburger place along the way. When I checked in to the hotel, the front-desk guy glanced at Denny and wisecracked that I couldn't bring in animals, a remark that nearly cost him his life. At night, the big ape's snoring kept me awake all night and brought angry wall-pounding from rooms up and down the hall. After Denny cleaned out three buffets, making Mike Paulle look anorexic by comparison, we found ourselves barred from every eatery in town. But the trip wasn't a complete disaster, because it finally gave him an idea.
"I see dey got a lotta shows here, ya know, musicals like
Da Producers an'
Phantom of da Oprah. Maybe if I had a musical at my joint it would bring in business."
"A show about cows and sheep for the farmers there?"
"Nah, I got a better idea. A show about me."
"Sure, we'll call it
The Return of King Kong."
"Don't get smart, Maxey. Look, if ya kin write a play about me an' da Barstow Card Casino, I'll give ya a cut of da profits."
The chances of making any money off such a production were slim and none. Hardly anyone would show up, and I knew he would skim off any unlikely profits. Still, it was a chance to get back at him for all of his past indignities, so I agreed and proceeded to write the most satirical play I could devise. A few weeks later I handed him a script. As expected, the sarcasms went over his head. He approved, hired Dirty Wally as director, went into rehearsals, and two months later, Barstow witnessed the grand opening of its first-ever original stage production:
Big Denny the Musical!
The big moment arrived. The curtains parted as Big Denny pranced on stage and began bellowing:
Dis is da Barstow Card Casino,
We got everyt'ing from craps ta keno.
Everyone here is treated regal,
An' some of our games is even legal.
He then attempted a few soft-shoe dance steps, but tripped over his own feet and fell with a thud that shook the auditorium. The audience, unsure if Denny's tumble was part of the act or not, was afraid to laugh, much less boo.
Denny picked himself up and stomped offstage, glaring at his customers. Next to appear was Aunt Sophie. She was clad in a costume that revealed far more than the customers cared to see, and they groaned as the old yenta began singing in a faltering voice:
This is Aunt Sophie, your cocktail bringer,
Tip me big or you'll get the finger.
Tip me nice and I'll do a tap dance,
Maybe even do a lap dance.
But if you dare to stiff me …
Suddenly, Aunt Sophie stopped singing. "Oy, vey," she moaned, "my line's I have forgotten."
An irritated Dirty Wally poked his head out and provided the missing lyrics. "I never forgot my lines when I was in movies," he added sarcastically.
"Lines in the movies you never had, you
schlemeil," she shot back. "Silent films is what you were in."
Aunt Sophie finished her routine, made a little curtsy, and traipsed off. One spectator applauded. He was drunk.
The show lumbered on as various members of the Barstow Card Casino staff did their song and dance routines. Fingers Finnegan, the chef for the Four-Star Buffet, proudly sang, "The kitchen is my domain, and ptomaine is my main game." Next, the chip runners chirped, "Anytime you have us chip you, the rack will be short because we're paid to gyp you."
There weren't that many theatergoers to start with, and by now most of them had left in disgust.
At last we came to the big finale. The curtain came up to reveal Big Denny, improbably garbed in an Elvis outfit. Then, all the casino dealers, most of them thuggish ex-cons trying to act like chorus boys, came out and formed a ragged line across the stage. Totally out of sync, they attempted a few high kicks as Denny started singing. I had patterned melody and lyrics after the
Springtime for Hitler number from Mel Brooks'
The Producers, hoping the reaction would be as disastrous as it was in the movie:
Springtime for Denny and Barstow town,
We're open for business so come on down.
These are the guys who deal you poker,
They will make you broke and broker.
CHORUS:
Barstow once was dull and quiet,
Now you have a nightly riot.
The air is filled with police sirens,
And the sound of shots from shootin' irons.
At this point, sound effects of gunfire and sirens kicked in. The remaining audience members panicked and fled, certain that yet another raid was under way.
Well, that ended opening night for
Big Denny the Musical, and there was no day two. Still, Denny liked it so much that he's thinking of bringing the show on tour. Better book your tickets early.
Max Shapiro, a lifelong poker player and former newspaper reporter with several writing awards to his credit, has been writing a humor column for Card Player ever since it was launched 20 years ago. His early columns were collected in his book, Read 'em and Laugh.
