Funny Poker Moments

I always begin or end my seminars by encouraging the participants to embrace the same three goals that I have every time I go out to play poker: to win money, to have fun, and to make sure that my opponents have fun. I'm in a playful mood right now, so I hope that you don't mind me diverting from women's poker issues to share a few funny comments I recently heard over the green felt.

Overheard during the second round of a recent 50-player tournament at the Sahara: "Hey, tournament director, if we decide to chop this thing 42 ways, how much will each of us get based on our chip count?"

I watched the following scene take place during a no-limit hold'em game at Bellagio: A very tight female player who hadn't shown a bluff all night came out firing on the river when a flush card came. After everyone folded, one of the players in the game asked another player what he thought she had. Denny Axel replied, "She had the nuts … it's like gravity; you don't have to see it to know it's there!"

Dave Lamb recently returned from working as a tournament director at several events in Asia. He sent me the following e-mail: "We concluded our official duties today with a big autograph/photo session with the local dealers and staff. They were great, but we did encounter a number of customs and policies along the way that sort of boggled us. We originally had to deal with alphabetically designated tables minus the C (not lucky), and resistance to using the number 4 (also unlucky). This meant combining tables with seat cards like A2, A3, A3*, A5, and so on. We did insist on using the number 4, pointing out that any two of them equals 8 and that number is very lucky."

The funniest poker story I heard all year was told to me by my good friend Jim Leitner. Apparently, he was out shopping in the mall one day when his cellphone rang. The call was from someone he preferred not to talk to at the time, so he whispered into the phone, "Dude, I can't talk to you right now; I'm playing a tournament and I'm in the middle of a hand. Goodbye." Two minutes later he, went into one of the stores and ran into the guy who had called him. Oops!

Overheard during a H.O.R.S.E. event: "I could tell right away that this was H.O.R.S.E.; there's no one under 40 playing."

Overheard from an older gentleman at the table: "I'm starting to think I might not be such a good player. I've been running bad for 10 years."

Overheard during a seniors event after one player commented that he couldn't believe his opponent called a big bet, since it was obvious that he was drawing dead. His opponent replied, "I'd rather draw dead than be out of action."

I compile a list of the 10 dumbest things people say and do on each of the Card Player Cruises trips. Here is the "best of the best" from 2007:

1. Has this ship ever sunk before?
2. Does Viagra work on a cruise ship?
3. If so many of your passengers live in Las Vegas, why doesn't the ship leave from there?
4. What's the altitude? (asked during a day at sea)
5. When we reach Mexico, do we have to convert our chips to pesos?
6. How many hours do I need to play poker to get a dinner comp?
7. What time is the midnight buffet?
8. If someone falls overboard, will the ship stop for him?
9. Are live straddles allowed at sea?
10. Why don't the inside cabins have portholes?

One of my favorite annual fundraisers is right around the corner. On Feb. 24, The Bicycle Casino will host a tournament to assist the families of firefighters and law enforcement officers who have died while serving their communities, as well as those who develop life-threatening diseases. The buy-in is $120 and includes dinner, a long-sleeve shirt, and a special gift. Registration begins at 3 p.m. and dinner is at 4 p.m. The tournament starts at 5 p.m. and rebuys are available during the first three levels. Prizes include a Mexican Riviera poker cruise, two plasma-screen televisions, Full Tilt poker tables and chip sets, a laptop computer, a World Poker Tour chip set and VIP passes to the filming of the Legends of Poker event, and many others. Please join me for this worthwhile cause.

Now, let's play poker.

Linda Johnson is available to host tournaments, charity events, and seminars. You can contact her through her website at
www.cardplayercruises.com.