Don't TASE Me, Bro … Er, Clonie

It was once again time for the TASER charity poker event, in support of the TASER Foundation for Fallen Officers. This charity supports officers and/or their families in the event that they are hurt or killed in the line of duty. This is one of my favorite charities, and I'm always happy to do my small part to support it. After all, we all make those cop jokes, but whom do we call when we really need help?

The event is hosted by the "Poker Brat," Mr. Congeniality, Phil Hellmuth. Phil and TASER owner Tom Smith really go all out to make this event special. Tom personally picked us up in his private jet and flew us to Scottsdale, Arizona, where the event was held at Fort McDowell Casino. We had limos at our disposal during our entire stay, as well as a fully stocked VIP hospitality suite. Our rooms were great, too; TASER really took good care of us.

After we arrived at the casino, Phil was informed that his suite wasn't ready yet, so he asked me if he could drop his bag off in mine. That was not a problem; at least I didn't think there would be one. You see, when we were alone in my room, Phil started stripping his clothes off!

To my horror, I realized that Phil stood between me and the door, cutting off that escape route (that is, unless I wanted to touch a naked Phil Hellmuth, which I didn't). I'm still looking around for options when I begin to lose my sight from the glare off his albino white skin as he gets down to his underwear. I know that I'm so fair-skinned that Conan O'Brien would say, "Damn, you're white," but next to Phil Hellmuth, I look like Phil Ivey.

Anyway, getting back to this nightmare, things are really starting to look bad for me, but I'm not about to give up. I notice there's a window behind me, and with it being only three stories to the ground, I figure I can probably survive the jump. Either way, it's preferable to the alternative.

I mean, as if it wasn't bad enough that I was about to be raped by a man, that man was Phil Hellmuth! Which was going to be worse, the male-on-male sex, or listening to the Poker Brat during it? "These guys can't even spell gay sex!" Or maybe, "I could dodge penises, Baby; if I wanted to, that is."

Maybe I should try to leave a note to my wife, explaining what happened. And speaking of wives, isn't this freakin' guy married? What is his problem? Oh well, no time left to worry about any of this … Then, a nanosecond before I plunge to my death, I notice the glare is subsiding. Phil is actually changing into workout clothes and not stripping down naked. Phew!

So, Phil left to skip around the track a few times, then came back, and we all went out to dinner. The dinner was sponsored by Blue Cross Blue Shield, and was a nice setup, with different steaks for dinner and multiple wine choices. When I told the waitress I didn't drink wine but would prefer a martini, she obliged me, and then presented me with a $15 bill! This is a pretty nice scam; I think I'll try it at the next party I throw. As my guests leave, I'll stand at the door and say, "Oh, thanks a lot for coming to the dinner party I invited you to. And by the way, here's your bill - $15 for every drink I served you."

Besides the fact that I had to subsidize their party, it was a good time. I met a lot of celebs: John Bunnell of World's Wildest Police Videos, and many other cop shows involving high-speed car chases; two "American Gladiators," Valerie "Siren" Waugaman and Don "Wolf" Yates; Young MC (as in, "You know what to do, just bust a move"); country-music artist Mark Willis; and two of my boyhood heroes from the "Doomsday Defense" of the Dallas Cowboys, Ed "Too Tall" Jones and Thomas "Hollywood" Henderson.

I spent a lot of time with each of these celebs, and can say that I actually consider each a friend. Usually during these types of events, we only exchange a few pleasantries. It was nice to have the time to get to know them as real people.

I know you're wondering about the title of this column. It involves one of the funniest prop bets I've ever seen. You see, Clonie Gowen knew that Brandon Cantu had come to Arizona with almost no money, and inasmuch as this was a rebuy event, she figured she could outlast or at least out-buy him in a prop bet.

To ensure that she got action, she waited for Brandon to go broke and stand up to leave before she sprang her trap. She offered to pay the rebuy for him if he agreed to a last-longer bet. The wager? The winner got to TASE the loser for five seconds!

Brandon asked for a conference with Phil Hellmuth, then quickly agreed. (Clonie told me that he must have secured a line of credit before accepting the bet.) Now, the game was on. Brandon took his normal game of poker to a new high, moving all in every hand.

Clonie started off with a nice lead, but after 30 minutes of this craziness (and countless rebuys), Brandon was on the comeback trail. He doubled up with a few goofy hands like 9-3 offsuit, and then this monster hand came down. Brandon moved all in and got five callers!

You could see the concern on Clonie's face as player after player called. The concern turned to panic as Brandon turned over pocket aces. Finally, the panic turned to horror as the aces held up! Brandon had just passed me to become the chip leader (although I quickly took it right back and held it till heads-up play).

The show was on then, as Wolf (Don Yates) had a recording of a TASER going off, and he played it over the microphone every time either of them got into a pot. I've never seen Clonie ruffled before, but she was definitely sweatin' bullets, stuttering when asked questions, and looking as frazzled as I've ever seen any player.

Finally, Brandon throws it all away. A player raises and a few more call, including Brandon. The player behind Brandon moves all in and everyone folds back to him. He is getting laid a little less than 2-1 and announces that he has to call, and then turns over Q-J. The raiser had A-K, and crippled Brandon.

I don't know why he "had to call" there. If he had thrown it away, he still would have had a huge lead over Clonie. Anyway, a few hands later, he was all in. I called with 10-9 offsuit, just trying to get him back into the match, but I wound up breaking him.

I went on to get down to heads-up play with the chip lead. I slow-played pocket queens and turned a set! I was one card away from winning this event for the second year in a row. With a spade on the river and another loss a few hands later, that dream was crushed. Oh well, the guy who won it had been bought in by his wife for his birthday. So, happy birthday to him and congratulations to all who helped raise about $500,000 for fallen officers and their families!