The Rules Guy: How To Conduct Yourself at the Poker Table

Most players learn poker’s explicit rules pretty quickly: the “one-chip rule,” for example, or “verbal declarations are binding.” But not everyone seems to have digested the game’s vast book of unwritten rules, admonitions like “don’t berate other players (particularly bad ones)” or “say ‘nice hand’ even when you mean something entirely different.”

Enter “The Rules Guy.” TRG believes that civility and sportsmanship are never wrong, and that bad behavior (even when you’re simply trying to get an edge) is bad for the game. Have you got a question about how to conduct yourself at the poker table? Email TRG at [email protected].

Props to Short-Stacked Shamus of “Hard-Boiled Poker”

One of the better poker bloggers is Short-Stacked Shamus, who posts nearly every day on the ongoing state of affairs in poker as well as ruminations (he calls them “existential musings”) on poker and popular culture, present and past. TRG is a regular reader, and recently uncovered this old gem, in a column titled “On the Unwritten Rules” (April 29, 2010) about rules and etiquette which neatly summarizes the aim of “The Rules Guy.” His subject was a long-forgotten breach of decorum by Alex Rodriguez of the New York Yankees, and Shamus finds in it:

…something more profound – and paradoxical – about human nature and competition. We like to compete, and perhaps have a kind of natural instinct to do so. But we also tend to surround our competitions with all sorts of guidelines (rules, written and unwritten) that not only ensure fairness, but a kind of decency as well. We want to beat each other, but we want to get along with each other too.

To which TRG says, emphatically, “Yes!” The purpose of poker (or its main purpose) is to beat other players and win money, but we should want to get along at the table. Still, and too often, poker players witness countless moments of incivility and downright rudeness that are (a) antithetical to the notions of being a decent human being and (b) absolutely deleterious to the game itself.

We should want people to want to play; we should want amateurs to try their luck and test their skills; we should welcome players of every stripe to compete on the felt. For the good of the game, obviously; and for the good of ourselves as members of the human race. By all means try to separate The Rules Guy and anyone else from their money, but don’t be a jerk about it.

On to this month’s mailbag, which is light on rules questions and heavy on etiquette ones:

Dear The Rules Guy:

I am a woman, happily married, and well into an age that I won’t call “middle” (but others might). While it’s a bit flattering to be hit on at the table (where, sadly, I am often the only woman), how do I deal with guys making mildly suggestive comments and (far, far worse) trying to teach me how to play? I am not a pro, I will never be a pro, but I certainly don’t need coaching from the bozos at my game.

—Demeaned in Decatur

Dear Demeaned in Decatur:

Last summer, The Rules Guy took note of a tweet by Kara Scott (@karaOTR): “To the women playing the WSOP Ladies Event today, good luck & have a great time. May hundreds of new people think ‘this is fun’ & play more.”

Which is right on so many levels and it does connect directly to your question.

Scott was right because the goal of every poker player should be to have more people think, “this is fun & play more.” That’s how the poker economy works: it’s a bottoms-up network, a food pyramid, where masses of small participants essentially funnel money upwards. (TRG resolutely refuses to use the word “fish” in the poker context, but readers will get the drift.)

It should be crystal clear that without a reasonably steady stream of new entrants, the pyramid will collapse. That doesn’t necessarily mean poker dies completely; it just means the good players are fighting over a smaller prize. (This makes the still-ridiculous collapse of online poker in the United States so devastating to the poker economy as a whole. Being able to play micro-stakes tournaments or cash games in the generally non-threatening environment of one’s home was an enormous entry point for new players.)

So all the more reason for every player to be positively welcoming to every other player. Someone may have excellent reasons not to want to play another individual (personal animosity, say, or simply the realization that someone is remarkably better), but no player should want to discourage any category of people from the tables. Not newbies. Not the aged. Not the physically challenged. Not different ethnicities. And not different genders.

And this brings it back to you, Demeaned: When men flirt with women who aren’t there for flirting, they belittle women. When men say “Ladies…” thinking they are being gentlemanly, they belittle women. When men “mansplain” the rules of poker or how to play ace-king or why they played a hand in a certain way, they belittle women. And no one, not women and not anyone else either, wants to be belittled. They want respect, and they want to be taken seriously.

Granted, women are rare enough at a poker table that some men might be forgiven for showing a degree of interest. But no one should display condescension. You might say something instructive to someone who is clearly ignorant of the rules of the game or the norms of the casino—in a friendly, constructive way. But a woman at the table is a player first and a woman second. She might be excellent; she might be horrible. But she’s player first and deserves to be treated as one. She’s bought her chips and a right to sit at the table. Honor that decision.

It will be a great day when women start to make up meaningful fractions of players at poker tables. The Rules Guy does not know what will bring women to the tables, but he absolutely knows what will drive them away: sexism and condescension.

Psss…They Can Hear You

Dear The Rules Guy:

I play in a $2-$5 no-limit game several times a week. There are a couple of decent players, a few recreational players, and a couple of friends who style themselves as excellent players. I’ve seen this situation before, but wanted your take on it: A hand is over and the pot is pushed to the winner. The big dogs start discussing the hand, and its action, as if the actual players weren’t even present. Like, “Seat 3 had to think he was up against an overpair” or “Of course seat 7 was on a flush draw. What else could he have had?” I don’t think this is a rules issue, but what is it?

—Eavesdropping in Erie

Dear EinE:

You know the answer: It is b-a-d bad! Bad etiquette (but not, as you surmise, a violation of the rules). It’s just bad manners to talk about someone as if they weren’t there. And it’s bad poker to talk about strategy at the table. All these know-it-alls do is betray their seriousness, provide a lens through which to focus on their own strategic predilections, and encourage other players to hone their game. ♠.