A Poker Nickname for a Lady?

Dear Acey: I've been reading your column for the last few months and enjoy it. However, your column listing "the best poker nicknames" was seriously flawed. I noticed that all of the nicknames you offered up were for men. Aren't there any nicknames for women poker players? I would like to use a nickname while at the poker table. I'm a 32-year-old widow, stand 5 feet 6 inches tall, and weigh 111 pounds. I don't smoke, and drink only the finest red wine. I have long, straight black hair, a good complexion, and people tell me I'm very pretty. I play a tough, very tight game of Texas hold'em. I'm in need of a good poker nickname. Do you have any suggestions on a nickname for me, a lady poker player, Dear Acey?

- Dark-Haired Beauty

Dear Dark-Haired Beauty: Girl, you're right, Dear Acey dropped the ball; he "mucked a winning hand." Dear Acey is sorry he didn't mention any poker nicknames for women in his previous "nickname" column. To make up for the blunder, listed here are a few female poker nicknames that Dear Acey has heard about or read about: Poker Alice, Poker Mary, Belle Star, Diamond Lil, Madame Moustache, Slew Foot Sue, Kitty, Kelly, Molly, Polly, Dolly, Lolly, Holly, Jolly, Suzy Q, Miss Acey, Miss Queenie, Miss Jackie, Miss Deucey, Girl Power, Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds (LSD), Computer Cattie, Cadillac, Mercedes, Porsche, Lexi, Peppermint Patty, Shady Sadie, Hit Man Pam, Honey, Bunny, Sweetie, Sugar Babe, Curly, Mom, Sis, Diamond, Ruby, Goldie, Big Gayle, Big Red, Red Robyn, Big DD, GG, BB, TT, PT, BJ, Barb "The Champ," and, finally, Miss Mary. To make up for my mistake, I have selected a good poker nickname designed just for you, my dark-haired beauty: "Black Widow Beauty."

Dear Acey: When I play poker for more than 12 hours in a session, I often get a sore back. Sometimes I even get a stiff neck. What can I do to prevent these painful occurrences?

-Pain in the Neck

Dear Pain in the Neck: Go home after eight hours of play. Try it, it works.

Dear Acey: I have an important question for you from all overweight poker players. Would you rather be thin or lucky? Quite a dilemma, huh?

- Dilemma Dude

Dear Dilemma Dude: Since I'm never lucky, I might as well be thin. Since I'm not thin, I might as well be rich. Since I'm not rich, I might as well be funny. Since I'm not funny, I might as well marry a rich, beautiful, funny woman who loves overweight poker players. Since I'm not married, I guess I'm lucky!

Dear Acey: In my last no-limit hold'em poker session, I had pocket aces in the small blind and went all in, betting $880 against the big blind. The big blind called my all-in bet. He turned over K-K. The flop came A-K-K. The turn brought a blank, and the river card was another ace! I won with four aces against his four kings. I was so shocked, I didn't know what to do. What should I have done?

- Big Winner

Dear Big Winner: You should have married your dealer!

Dear Acey: I always look forward to reading your column. I have an important question that I've wanted to ask you for a long time. Dear Acey, how is your Deucey? I'm very curious.

- Curious Red Dog

Dear Curious Red Dog: My Deucey is just fine. Thanks for asking. My problem is with my Queeny; she's always asking her Kingy for more Jack.

Dear Acey: What's appropriate attire when playing poker at my local casino? Should I overdress or underdress for the occasion – jeans or pearls?

- Worried Fashion Plate

Dear Worried Fashion Plate: Some poker players are overweight men. They should wear anything comfy that hides their pearlike shapes. I recommend Hawaiian shirts. These bright, flowered shirts may look stupid, but they hide a lifetime of overindulgence. Younger men in good shape, with guns, should wear T-shirts with their school logos: MIT, Cal Tech, UCLA, Georgia Tech, Rice, NYU, Harvard, Yale, you name it. Middle-aged women should wear their usual daytime clothes because, as a group, they're always well-groomed, neat, and always appropriately dressed in public. They always make an effort, and it shows. On the other hand, young, beautiful women with great figures should wear very low-cut, distracting, revealing attire – and should sit at my table!

Editor's note: Readers are encouraged to E-mail Dear Acey, the "Dear Abby of Poker," at [email protected].