Hijacked in Nepal

The Internet is a wondrous thing because, just like Forrest Gump's box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get. You see, I had been hired by Oklahoma Johnny Hale to gather information to substantiate his claim that he was related to Nathan Hale, the Revolutionary War patriot. This was proving to be difficult because I discovered that the British had hanged Hale (Nathan, not Johnny), who was only 21, unmarried, and childless.

Undaunted, I had persevered and typed Oklahoma Johnny's name into one of the search engines, Yahoo. Along with a number of "hits" that popped up relating to his book and his Seniors tournaments, there was a curious reference to "Old Man Moose" and Casino Times. "Old Man Moose" was a story I had written for Card Player about my friend Jay "Moose" Moriarty, who had won a Seniors championship tournament at Hollywood Park earlier this year. Casino Times I had never heard of.

I clicked on the link and discovered to my amazement that Casino Times is a magazine promoting casinos in, of all places … Nepal! And, sure enough, in its April-May issue, there was my story, printed without my knowledge, permission, byline, or compensation. There were all of my best lines, such as Moose receiving an endorsement offer from a bran laxative manufacturer, Baxter's Bathroom Cereal, that wanted to use his name and the punch line: "Poop like a Moose."

There were other gaming articles in that issue, all without bylines, in all likelihood also stolen. I was amazed that a magazine halfway around the world would hijack stories and run them for free, and even more amazed to discover that there's a magazine that pays its writers less than Card Player does. In other Casino Times issues I also found articles stolen from Nolan Dalla and Roy West, but who cares about them?

Sure, I know you all think this is another one of my put-ons. Well, not everything I write is make-believe, and if you don't believe me, you can find Casino Times by going to CasinosNepal.com, or to its parent company's website at Nepal-Travellers.com, and check things out for yourself. Nepal, I discovered after doing research, is a country a little bigger than Arkansas, squeezed between China and India. It is among the poorest and least developed nations in the world. Its 24.7 million largely destitute inhabitants consist of Newars, Indians, Tibetans, Gurungs, Magars, Tamangs, Bhotias, Rais, Limbus, and Sherpas. Nepal has eight of the 10 highest mountain peaks in the world, including Mt. Everest. It also has four casinos: Casinos Anna, Royale, Everest, and Nepal.

I was intrigued by their casino/mountain-climbing package deals. For only $65,000 you get to go on a guided expedition up Mt. Everest, and when you return (providing you do return) you get two nights at one of the hotels and a free pull on a slot machine. If you hit the jackpot, you win an elephant.

I wasn't too thrilled by their card games, though. Apart from blackjack, the only ones they offer are Caribbean stud, Let it Ride, and kitty and pontoon, whatever the hell those things are. What good is a casino that doesn't spread Omaha high-low?

Anyhow, none of this helped me with my beef with Casino Times. I E-mailed them and asked how come they hijacked my stuff, but never got an answer. So, I decided to take action. I made an appointment to see Johnny Cochran, showed him my original story and their pirated version, and asked if my case was actionable.

"Undisputabilitably," he said. "There ain't no glory in stealin' someone's story."

I asked him how much I might collect. He pulled out a calculator and began figuring. "Let's see … we put in the market value of your story, triple that for aggravated damages, add in the loss of your credibility as a writer, some more for pain and suffering, and take out 3 percent for the dealers. That comes to … $97.50 – less my $25,000 retainer fee, of course."

I thanked him and left. Later in the week I was at the Barstow Card Casino and voiced my woes to Big Denny.

"How's about you an' me goin' down dere an' teachin' dem bums a lesson?" he offered. Is Napalm far from Barstow?"

"Nepal, Denny. It's on the other side of the world."

"Dat's fine wit' me, Maxey. I gotta get outta town fer a while till t'ings cool off. A coupla my customers kinda disappeared, an' da cops been nosin' around."

I had some Frequent Flyer miles sitting around, so I took him up on his offer. After a speedy four-day flight on Nepal Air Lines, "The airline that can't afford to crash," we arrived in Nepal's capital, Kathmandu, which sounds like the punch line to a corny joke. I had learned that the ultimate legal authority in Nepal is the monarch, King Birendra Bir Bikram Shahadev. I petitioned for an audience, and in due course we were granted one. We were ushered into a large room where the king sat on a throne, resplendent in ermine cape and turban, with a snarling leopard crouched at his feet.

"Lookit dat mug in da bat'robe an' towel on his head wit' da pussycat," Big Denny snickered.

King Birendra unfortunately overheard him. "Kill him, Rajah," he ordered the leopard. The beast bared its fangs and crept forward. Denny drew back his fist and made a growling sound, frightening the daylights out of the leopard and causing him to jump out of the nearest window.

The king threw up his hands in surrender. "Very well, then, what is it that you petition his majesty for?"

I explained what had happened and had the king read my original story and the hijacked version. "For this you expect to get paid?" he asked in wonder.

"Yeah, dat's right, ya grace," Big Denny spoke up. "My pal Maxey here is a damn funny writer. Ya got a problem wit' dat?"

King Birendra shrugged. This was one argument he knew he wouldn't win. "Very well," he sighed. "I award plaintiff eight million rupees. Take it or have your heads chopped off."

We gladly took it and flew home. Only when I got back did I discover that eight million rupees was worth $97.50 … and that I owed court costs of $25,000.

OK, Casino Times (not to be confused with the British online site, casinotimes.co.uk, by the way), go right ahead and steal this story!