Funny Stuff?

I'd like to pass on some of the things that have happened over the past year that I found to be funny or at least slightly amusing.

The first of these occurrences took place last year at the Orleans Open, during one of the tournaments. While playing, I happened to look up at one of the television sets and noticed that women's beach volleyball was on the air. As I watched, I actually stood up and exclaimed in a very loud voice, "Wow!" A couple of guys at my table asked, "What's the 'wow' for?" I told them to look at the television. All I can say is that my fellow poker players knew what I meant by "wow." The girls playing were wearing … well, let me just say, they weren't wearing much. They were all, simply put, great-looking women. They were jumping up and down, diving after balls, and, put bluntly, just great to watch. All of the players at the table, all males, were staring at the television. Then, out of nowhere, one of them asked, "What's the score?" I looked at the other guys at the table and we all burst into laughter. Finally, after a few seconds, I blurted out all I could think of, which was, "What's the score? What's the score? Who the hell cares?"

In late October I flew from my home in Los Angeles to Oakland, California. I had been invited up to Lucky Chances Casino by my friend Matt Savage. Matt, since his humble beginnings, rose to fame by running this year's World Series of Poker. On my plane ride up to Oakland, I happened to be sitting next to an elderly lady who began telling me that she was flying to Oakland to see her daughter and grandchildren, and that she was frightened of the trip since the events of Sept. 11, but the trip had been planned for quite some time and she decided to take it in spite of her fears.

Also on the flight were about 50 Oakland Raiders fans. Now, if you know anything about Raiders fans, I don't have to go on; if you don't, let me just say they wouldn't pass for choir boys. They look and act scary.

The Raiders were playing a Monday night game in Oakland, and these old L.A. Raiders fans, still loyal to the Raiders after their move back to Oakland, were flying to Oakland to support their team. Within a half-hour, the noise level had increased, as the Oakland fans were drinking and having a good time. They were not being abusive to anyone in any way, they were just getting into it.

All of a sudden, the thought occurred to me, "I wish, I actually wish, that five terrorists with box cutters would try to hijack this airplane." I don't know where the box cutters would have ended up, but I'm pretty sure the hijackers would not have liked their final resting place. It was at this point that I commented to the elderly lady sitting next to me that whatever fears she had of terrorists or hijackers, she could relax, as there would be nobody taking over that plane except those nice young men, "the Oakland Raiders fans." We both then started laughing. I told her that the more I thought about it, the more I thought we really didn't need sky marshals; all we needed was more Raiders fans. God bless Al Davis and the Oakland Raiders.

This item was given to me by Jack Fox. I frequently share my column material with him before I submit it to the magazine. When I sent the above stories to him for his opinion, he replied favorably and added a cute story of his own, as follows:

"Vince, your story about the men at the poker table watching the female athletes reminded me of an incident that happened at one of the casinos on the Strip in the early '90s. I was playing in a game late at night, as I was stuck real good. The game was shorthanded, and, well, you know … the other players were also stuck pretty good, as the winners had picked up and quit much earlier. It was a typical 3 a.m. game. Anyway, I get up to go to the restroom and decide to visit my room upstairs in the hotel. I needed the stretch. On the way back to the poker room as I'm walking past the piano bar, I see the most striking woman I have ever seen – a real beauty. She smiles in my direction and I look around to see who she is looking at. There's no one else around.

"I can't believe my good fortune. We start talking. Close up, she is a 10, a real stunner. After about two minutes, she mentions that she is ready to go upstairs with me. She's a hooker! Just great.

"Deflated, I walk back to the game, sit down, and share my story with the three guys at the table. Naturally, they all immediately pick up from the game to go meet her. I busted up my own game."

For what it's worth …