Andy's Lighter Side

Author's note: Andy Glazer's prodigious talent as a writer was exceeded only by his decency and integrity as a human being. I was honored to be his friend and writing associate, and his death is heartbreaking.

Shortly before his passing, he told me that he planned to try his hand at humor while writing for an online site. This led to our collaboration on this column, which he seemed to like. I know that this issue of Card Player will contain solemn tributes to Andy, as well it should. I hope it is not deemed inappropriate for me to also run this column to portray Andy's lighter side, as I know that he liked it and think he would have approved of it being published. Inasmuch as this column was written prior to Andy's death, a few minor changes, particularly in verb tense, have been made as appropriate.

I have always ceded the title of world's greatest tournament writer to Andy Glazer, while retaining the honorific title of "America's foremost gaming humorist." After all, unlike Oklahoma Johnny Hale, one title bestowed upon myself is enough.

But it was not, apparently, for Andrew N.S. Glazer. This multitalented and prolific author of books and composer of articles for Card Player, the Detroit Free Press, and various other venues had decided to stretch his horizons and was contemplating trying his hand at humor for his new "Friday Nite Poker" Internet columns. These new columns were to be constructed very much like his old "Wednesday Nite Poker" columns, except that they would be coming from a different website and he would occasionally include a humor column.

I asked Andy why he was calling his new column "Friday Nite Poker."

"Because that will give me two extra days to write it," he responded.

Hmm, I thought, maybe the boy had a sense of humor after all.

Anyway, before he sent anything in, Andy had the good sense to seek advice from me. He e-mailed me and deferentially wrote, "I think you should feel quite comfortable knowing that it will be long after you've retired before I can pass you in the humor department."

I was quite flattered until I read the next sentence: "You're not planning on writing past 2005, are you?" (Yeah, a real sense of humor.)

Anyway, we got together, and he got right to the point. "What's the secret of writing humor?"

"An unhappy childhood," I replied instantly. "All writers of comedy are twisted in some way."

"You had an unhappy childhood?"

"What do you think? I was given the name 'Maxwell' and I started losing my hair when I was 12."

"But how do you make up such funny stuff?"

"Who has to make anything up? When you have as many nut case friends as I have, all you need to do is write what they do and say."

Andy shook his head. "I'm not thinking of character-driven humor. I'm just interested in writing humorously."

"Oh, funny stuff, huh? Sure, I do that, too. I always throw a few puns into my articles."

Andy made a face. "No thank you. Puns are the lowest form of humor. I'll be aiming for the top, not the nadir."

"The nadir? As in Ralph Nadir?" I responded, cracking up at my cleverness.

Andy closed his eyes in pain. "That is exactly what I don't want. I want wordplay, not puns. Can you give me an example?"

"How about: Take Oklahoma Johnny Hale – please."

"That's a Henny Youngman line."

"Oh, yeah." I thought a moment. "OK, then how about this? Oklahoma Johnny Hale has so many logos on his clothing that he should change his name to Logohoma Johnny Hale."

"Not bad," Andy said admiringly. I realized my mistake when he pulled out a pad and began writing. I didn't mind so much his stealing my line, but I hate to see Mr. Hale satirized in print.

"Have you written anything I could look at, Andy?"

"Well, yes," he said, handing me some sheets of paper. "But please don't reveal this to anyone."

Keeping my word, I can't disclose specifics, but the lead-in to the first joke in the column contained references to the collective myth of Superman, episodes 42, 103, and 556 of Star Wars, flaws in current quantum physics theory, Beowulf, Homer's Odyssey, and excerpts from Freud's analysis of the origin of wet dreams.

"I don't know, Andy, seems just a little wordy. Remember what Shakespeare wrote: 'Brevity is the soul of wit.'"

"I know the line," Andy said, "but I never understood what he meant or why he wrote it."

"Well, he had to write short jokes because ink cost a lot more in those days. And people worked 18-hour days. Nobody could have had the time to read one of your entire columns."

Andy made a face. "That's supposed to be funny? No wonder Barry Shulman won't give you a raise."

"Yeah," I muttered under my breath, "and if Shakespeare was paid by the word like you, maybe he would have written more like you."

"I heard that, and I'm not amused," Andy stormed, obviously not amused. "You've been making that joke about me getting paid by the word for years now, and no one has laughed at it yet. That hasn't stopped you with a lot of your other jokes, but this one doesn't even have any truth to it."

Then, he gave me one of his superior-than-thou smiles. "And it shows how much you know."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning I don't have to pay magazines and book publishers by the word to print my stuff. I just pay them a flat fee."

Well, Dave Barry and I didn't have much to worry about yet. Still, poker humor is a rather narrow field, and there isn't much room for competition. I was getting a little nervous.

"Look, Andy," I reasoned with him, "you promise not to write any humorous columns and I promise not to write anything else about you."

Andy looked tempted, but shook his head. "Sorry, Max, a man has to keep expanding his horizons and his waistline; it says so right here in this book, How to be Perfect by Mike Paulle."

Oh, now he was stealing my Mike Paulle jokes. OK, if that was what he wanted to do, I'd let him go ahead and write funny. I told Andy to remember one thing, that he was only one person – and with Big Denny, Ralph the Rattler, Dirty Wally, Filthy Willy, Aberdeen Angus McTavish, Action Al, Break-Even Benny, Dr. Wolfgang Krock, and all the others, I had an army.

In any event, whatever Andy Glazer ever did, he always did it well. You just had to keep your dictionary and reference books handy.

There will never be a Friday Nite Poker by Andy Glazer. Nor will there ever be another Andy Glazer. Goodbye, my friend.