Big Denny Meets His Match

The phone rang at midnight, nearly two hours past my bedtime, rousing me from a deep sleep. Who, I wondered, could possibly be calling at this ungodly hour?

"Hey Maxey," a strange voice greeted me. "I needs yer help."

"Who is this?" I demanded.

"It's me, Big Denny. Doesn't ya recognize my voice?"

I didn't. The gruff growl had changed into a higher-pitched, near-hysterical whine. I thought I could also detect a sob in the voice. "What's the problem, Denny?" I asked.

"It's dis dame. She's takin' over everyt'ing. I can't get rid of her. Ya gotta come out here an' help me do somet'in."

Big Denny intimidated by a woman? This was something I had to see. Promising my assistance, I drove up first thing in the morning. I walked into the Barstow Card Casino and was greeted by an unbelievable sight. Big Denny was pale and shaking, and his massive brow was soaked in sweat. Grabbing me by my sleeve, he yanked me into his office and bolted the door.

I never thought I could feel pity for the big ape, but now it was hard not to. "What's going on?" I asked. "Who is this woman, anyhow?"

"Her name is Windy K. Waggy or somet'in like dat," he said, his voice quivering. "Dis dame showed up one day an' give me a spiel about how she's dis big aut'ority on gamin' an' knew all dese big shots an' could double my business. So I put her up at da hotel, figgerin' she'd be here a few days. Dat pushy broad's been here seven weeks now. She's bossin' everybody aroun', runnin' up big bills, an' causin' all kindsa trouble. Maxey, if I don't … "

Suddenly, there was an insistent knocking on the door. "Dennis?" a voice trilled. "Let me in. I must speak with you immediately."

Reluctantly, Big Denny unbolted the door and opened it. A rather plump and formidable woman pushed her way inside. "You simply must do something about my bedding this very instant," she instructed him. "I am used to 1,000-count sheets and down comforters. I have delicate skin and cannot abide those horse blankets you foist on your guests." She paused in her speech, noticing me for the first time. "And who is this gentleman, if I may inquire?" she inquired, blinking her eyes at me in a manner she must have imagined to be seductive.

"Oh, dis is my pal Max Shapiro. He writes fer Card Player magazine."

"A writer? Oh, I have known so many important and influential writers. Truman Capote was one of my closest friends and confidantes. And Norman Mailer, that dear man. I provided him with so many themes for his books. And Miss Rowling. You know, the lady who writes all those adorable 'Harry Potter' books. She wouldn't dream of submitting a manuscript without allowing me to first check it over."

Big Denny scratched his head. "Harry Potty? Never heard of him." He tried to change the subject. "Uhh, how's da restructurin' of da poker room comin' along, Windy?"

"You simply must upgrade, Dennis," she stated emphatically. "$100-$200 limits at a very minimum."

"But Windy, da farmers dat live here don't have dat kinda dough. Fifty cents an' a dollar is kinda stretchin' it now."

"Don't be boorish and don't think small, Dennis. As I told Steve Wynn, you must let your imagination soar. Do you know, he was planning to call his casino the Bellboy? I was the one who thought up Bellagio. And Donald just adored my suggestion to call his establishment the Taj Mahal. And while we're discussing names, I must tell you that the Barstow Card Casino is so … so … boring. We shall change the name to the Bayside Card Casino immediately."

Big Denny looked stunned. "Bayside? But dis is Barstow. It's in da desert. We ain't got no bay here."

"Well, then dig one and fill it with water," Windy declared with finality. She began jotting notes in a notebook.

"Let's see, my charge for the limit structure will be $500. And, oh, let's say only a thousand for Bayside. What a wonderful name."

"But Windy … " Big Denny began to protest.

"Quiet!" she shushed him. "Can't you hear my cellphone ringing?" Neither of us did, and we looked at each other quizzically. "Oh, it's Governor Schwarzenegger," she said. "Hello, Arnold, darling, how's the new job going? The sales tax? Yes, I crunched the numbers and my recommendation is for the legislature to raise it 2.45 cents on the dollar. Oh, you're very welcome. Thank you. Just deposit my retainer fee directly into my bank account."

She shut down the phone and beamed at us. "What a doll Arnold is. Do you know, he would still be just a simple weightlifter if I hadn't advised him first to go into the cinema and then to enter politics?"

"Yeah, den maybe ya kin get da bum ta fix da potholes in front of my joint," Big Denny muttered.

Windy stood up to leave. "Oh, and you simply must discharge your cocktail waitress, that horrid Aunt Sophie. I ordered a merlot and she actually brought me a domestic label. And as for your so-called Four-Star Buffet, I wish my dear friend Julia Child were still alive to offer suggestions, but I imagine my friend Wolfgang Puck can provide me with some au courant recipes."

She breezed out, talking again into her cellphone. "Mr. President? Oh, I'm so sorry I neglected to return your call, George, but I've been so insanely busy … "

Big Denny wiped his forehead. "Kin ya imagine dat? She don't even like da food here. An' did ya notice how one arm's longer den da other? Dat's from pattin' herself on da back all da time. OK, Maxey, ya got any ideas on how ta get her outta here?"

I was beginning to enjoy Big Denny's distress. The gorilla was getting a little payback for a change. "Oh, I don't know, Denny. She seems to have some pretty good ideas. If nothing else works, why don't you propose marriage to her? That should frighten her away."

I decided to leave before Windy began telling me how to write my columns. I later learned that things worked out … after a fashion. In desperation, Big Denny tried my suggestion and proposed marriage, and then suffered a massive heart attack when Windy accepted. Rather than put up with the bother of having to visit her fiancée in the hospital every day, Windy blew town, leaving behind a bill of $50,000 for her services. Once she was gone, Denny underwent a miracle recovery. He returned to the casino, filled in the water pit she was having dug, changed the name back from Bayside to Barstow, dropped the poker back to 50 cent-$1 limit, rehired Aunt Sophie, took the flambéed pheasant off the menu, and everything returned to normal – or whatever could be called normal at the Barstow Card Casino. As for Windy, he left orders for his staff that in case she ever called again, to tell her he died on the operating table.