"Hey, Maxey," Big Denny greeted me on my latest visit to the Barstow Card Casino.
OK, I realize that this is my standard opening line. And, yes, I know how tedious it must sound, because I use it almost as regularly as Roy West starts with, "Come on in, I just whipped up a pig's feet casserole." But I can't help it. West probably makes his stuff up, whereas all I do is report what actually happens and what Big Denny says to me, so here it is, whether you like it or not:
"Hey, Maxey," Big Denny greeted me on my latest visit to the Barstow Card Casino. "Ya ever play on one of dem new electrical poker machines?"
"No, I haven't tried out one myself, but I see more and more of them being used in casinos. Why? Are you thinking of bringing some in?"
"Well, I got a call from a salesman who wants ta show me one of dem. Why don'tcha stick around an' see what da guy has ta say."
Soon thereafter, a representative from an automated poker table company came to Big Denny's office and began his sales pitch. "These electronic tables are the wave of the future," he announced. "It's the next logical step because almost every poker player today owns a computer and has played online at one time or another."
"Computers?" Big Denny snorted. "Most of da farmers around here don't even have no electricity."
"Well, no matter," the rep said. "Our tables are very easy to learn. And the players like them because they don't have to tip the dealers."
Big Denny interrupted again. "Tip da dealers? Da last time one of dem cheapskate players here left even a quarter tip, da story ran in da local paper."
The salesman, not sure if Denny was putting him on, doggedly continued his presentation. "Well, all that may be true, but look at how much money you'll be saving on dealer salaries."
"We don't pay nuttin' to our dealers."
This was too much for the rep. "Mr. Denny, do you really expect me to believe that your dealers work here for free?"
"I didn't say dat, buster. We lets dem keep anyt'ing dey can steal outta da pots, so dey does pretty good."
The rep stared at Big Denny in disbelief, for once at a loss for words. After gulping in some air, he was finally able to resume his presentation, "In any event, there is no chance for error with these tables, and play is much faster. That means more profit for your casino."
He finally got the big guy's attention. "Yeah, maybe I might be interested after all. But how does da machine know what cards ta deal?"
"Oh, the computer decides that automatically?"
Big Denny's eyes narrowed and he lowered his voice. "Listen, pal, is dere any way dat computer kin be rigged so as ta deal winnin' hands ta my guys?"
The salesman was outraged. "Sir," he declared, "integrity is paramount and chicanery is anathema to our organization. Our automated tables are guaranteed to deal algorithmically programmed, randomly generated and sequenced hands."
He might as well have been speaking Mandarin for all that Big Denny understood. "Dat's nice, but kin ya fix da games?"
"
No!" the salesman screamed. "Now, do you want the damn table or not?"
"Sure, bring one in," Big Denny replied. "Dem farmers here would have trouble workin' an addin' machine, but I guess we kin teach dem old dogs new tricks."
A week later, an automated table was brought in and set up. It had 10 small screens around the rim, with a large screen in the middle. The locals had never seen anything like it. They circled the table in awe. Occasionally, one of them would reach out and gingerly touch the device, then quickly pull back his hand as if fearing electrocution.
The sales rep began explaining how everything worked. The dealers at the nearby live tables glared at him, but didn't dare say anything in their boss' presence. Eventually, enough players got up the courage to try it out and a game got under way, with Big Denny also sitting in.
Play started haltingly at first, but as the patrons began getting used to the table's controls, action began speeding up. Unfortunately, the action was not in Big Denny's favor. He suffered one bad beat after another and had to reload his electronic cash card repeatedly. As he became increasingly angry, the rep got increasingly nervous.
Finally, the big guy's luck changed, dramatically so. In the biggest pot of the night, he chased down a straight-flush draw and watched gleefully as his miracle card hit the river and the pot was capped.
"Send it!" Big Denny bellowed. Waving his arms excitedly, he accidentally knocked over the half-gallon container of milkshake he had been guzzling. As the liquid drained into the machine, sparks flew, Denny's screen registered "tilt," and a strong electric shock sent him flying backward.
Enraged and totally out of control, Big Denny got up off the floor and began pounding his fists on the table. He smashed the screens, tore out the wires and transistors and memory boards, and finally picked up the entire table and threw it halfway across the casino as all of the dealers cheered and applauded wildly.
Well, that ended the big electronic experiment. Things at the Barstow Card Casino are back to normal, or at least as normal as things ever get there. So, stop by and play some poker with live dealers. You might get cheated, but at least you won't get electrocuted.
Max Shapiro, a lifelong poker player and former newspaper reporter with several writing awards to his credit, has been writing a humor column for Card Player ever since it was launched 20 years ago. His early columns were collected in his book, Read 'em and Laugh.
