The Ultimate Summit Meeting

Over the years, there have been several momentous summit meetings where world leaders have convened and the course of history was changed. Probably the most famous came about when Roosevelt, Churchill, and Stalin met at Yalta in 1945 during World War II. But now, an even more historic get-together has taken place — a top-level meeting between Windy Waggy and Sarah Palin!
Oh yes, I know what you’re thinking — another stupid Max Shapiro column. But this one, I assure you, is true. I have spies in high places, and every detail that I am about to reveal has been authenticated.
The meeting, I am told, was initiated by Windy. She sent a message to the former Alaska governor, vice-presidential candidate, and world’s most celebrated hockey mom, offering to get her the support that would guarantee her election as president in 2012. Skeptical but intrigued, Palin agreed to meet her on her next visit to Las Vegas.
At the appointed time, Windy breezed into Palin’s hotel room; as usual, she was barking loudly into a dead-battery cellphone, supposedly to some world leader. “Of course, Mr. Khrushchev, I’ll be happy to pass on your recommendations to President Obama.”
Palin nodded, duly impressed, unaware that the former Soviet leader had passed away 40 years ago. “So, Miss Waggy,” she said, “you think you can help me become president?”
“Oh, I’ll just allow you to call me Windy,” Windy said patronizingly. “So tell me, have you definitely decided to run?”
“Well, I’m not sure if I can find the time with my busy schedule,” Palin said coyly. “Although, I’ve had so many millions of letters urging me to.”
“Yes, but I heard Jay Leno say that all of them were from Democrats. Look, Sarah, I have a way to get you elected for sure, but you’ll need to do something for me in return.”
Palin sighed. “I knew there was a catch. What would you want from me?”
Windy beamed. “I’ll get you elected president if you can get me into the Poker Hall of Fame.”
“Poker? What’s that got to do with me getting elected?”
“Don’t you know? There are more than 60 million people in this country who play poker. And I’m the most famous and respected poker player of all time. If I ask the players to vote for you, they’ll be glad to do so.”
“Poker players? They’re too busy playing cards to find time to vote.”
“Well, when they go broke, they’ll go out and vote because they won’t have anything else to occupy their time.”
Palin was starting to come around. “Sixty million, you say? Well, why should they listen to you?”
“Because I am a legend in the poker world! Besides, I’ll tell everyone that when you are elected president, the first thing you will do is repeal the UIGEA.”
“The you eye what?”
“The Unlawful Internet Gambling Enforcement Act. It prohibits playing poker online.”
Palin was getting more confused. “You mean, it’s against the law to play poker while standing in a line?”
Windy patiently explained that the law pertained to the Internet and computers. Palin nodded her head, pretending to understand. “Well, you seem to know something about poker. But if you’re so famous, how come you never made the Poker Hall of Fame?”
“Politics and jealousy,” Windy fumed. “And because I’m too modest to promote myself.”
“I thought I saw billboards on my way from the airport, urging people to vote you into the Hall of Fame.”
“Oh, my supporters made me do that,” Windy shrugged.
Palin was starting to get leery, but she pushed on. “And just how am I supposed to get you into the Poker Hall of Fame?” she asked.
“Oh, I don’t know. A presidential proclamation, I suppose. Maybe with a constitutional amendment.”
“Oh, no problem at all,” Palin said, her sarcasm sailing over the head of Windy, who by now was going full throttle, in a state of jubilation. “Anything else I can do for you after you get me elected?” Palin asked.
“As a matter of fact, yes. You can appoint me secretary of state.”
“Secretary of state? Which state? Alaska?”
Now it was Windy who was getting apprehensive. “Uh, no. It’s a federal job, what Hillary Clinton is doing now. The secretary of state handles international diplomacy. You do understand international dealings, don’t you?”
“Of course,” Palin snapped. “I eat all the time at the International House of Pancakes.”
But by now, Palin was having second thoughts. “I’m not so sure about all of this poker business,” she said. “I played a little draw poker with my family when I was a kid. It was so boring.”
“Oh, but poker is much more attractive to people now,” Windy assured her. “There are a lot more games to choose from: hold’em, Omaha, shootouts …”
Palin’s eyes lit up. “Shootouts? What do you shoot — moose?”
“Uh, no. It’s a tournament structure where the winners of each table reconvene once stage-one play is complete, and …” Noticing that Palin’s eyes were beginning to glaze over, she decided to take another tack. “Oh, yes, shooting plays a very important part in poker history — especially the time that Wild Bill Hickok got shot while holding aces and eights.”
“Hitchcock? Oh, I used to love his movies. I didn’t know he got shot, though, the poor man.”
(In all fairness to Sarah Palin, her confusion is understandable, because Oklahoma Johnny Hale, in one of his columns, once made reference to “Wild Bill Hitchcock.”)
Anyway, negotiations and dialogue continued for a while longer, with neither side much understanding what the other was saying. Finally, with some reluctance, Palin agreed to Windy’s terms. Therefore, if you happen to be driving to Vegas, don’t be surprised to find a minor addition to Windy’s billboards:
Vote for Windy Waggy For the POKER HALL OF FAME … And Sarah Palin for President. ♠

Max Shapiro, a lifelong poker player and former newspaper reporter with several writing awards to his credit, has been writing a humor column for Card Player ever since it was launched more than 20 years ago. His early columns were collected in his book, Read ’em and Laugh.