This Letter Belongs in the Smithsonian

Earlier this year, Oklahoma Johnny Hale, for some unfathomable reason, apparently unamused by my humorous jabs, wrote a letter to Card Player Executive Editor Steve Radulovich and to me, warning that he might no longer "hasitate to litiagate" if I didn't get off his back. At the same time, he said in his column in Gaming Today that my references to him were "always kindly." (Huh?)

Anyway, I feel it only fair to give OK Johnny the chance to respond, so I am honoring his request to have his letter run by putting it directly into my column. Since it is, by gosh, the most amazing letter I have ever read, I also felt compelled to share it with my fans even though I am envious that it is far funnier (albeit unintentionally) than anything I could ever concoct. Please be assured that the unique vocabulary, capitalization, punctuation, grammar, and spelling is untouched and exactly as written.

Gentlemen:

Steve, as you know I am now writing my column "Back in the Saddle Again" each Tuesday in the oldest gaming newspaper in the U.S.A. (Gaming Today) and that I can not respond to Max "The Nudnik" Shapiro as I would have when you were my editor and when I wrote my column "Back in the Saddle Again" for the Card Player.

I am sure you would have printed my response to Max's facetious remarks and that I would have made them in my usual magniloquent manner.

So Mr Radulovich, I will give you the right to act as my imprimatur, because I have always in the past found you to be a redoubtable editor. I am sure you let the power of The Executive Editor of the Card Player be used to correct this marplot's facetious remarks.

I of course am aware that the "Sniveler" is not a verbal gymnast and will require you to explain the words in this letter to him – Or just hand him a dictionary and let him work it out on his own – or maybe he can get his better half Barbara to explain the words for him.

In regard to your volume 16, No. 4 February 14,2003 – column Read 'em and Laugh written by you – the Sniveler – Max "The Nudnik" Shapiro

First of all Max you are a Marplot who attempts with a plethora of words to be facetious – but I must admit that I find that you are not hopeless and that I agree with Barbara that you are not really as stupid as your lack of hair would indicate

Moreover, she has assured me that after she gives you your daily beating with a wet Noodle that you settle down for the entire day.

Max, I have in the past defended you when someone has told me that yours is the least read column in the Card Player and I always tell them – well Max is just a filler in between the ads and that the readers really just want to read about my upcoming "The Seniors" tournaments.

Max, I have told my wife that you have originality and aptness of thought. But I must tell you that she has told me that she would not go that far and she has found that you are tractable by your Barbara and that she thinks that Barbara paste you daily and that Barbara really wears the pants.

Max, I am sure that Valhalla is waiting for you and that you will be received as one of the greatest writers of all time – but maybe I should not go that far maybe just this generation – or maybe just this week.

As you know your Barbara is already in "The Seniors" World Championship of Poker – Players Hall of Fame and that you were on the short list to join her in the Hall – But I have now recommended that you now be placed on the longer list.

Max, I accept you attempt at raillery and just consider that you try hard to be one of my press agents and thanks for making me so well known in the world of poker. Without your help and sisyphean efforts I do not think that anyone would have ever heard of this poor little old 1/64 native born American boy.

And Oh Yes, Max thanks for spelling my and my uncle Nathan's name correctly.

Max, I think you should rethink the idea that you had about the statue of me being just 8 feet tall Don't you think it would be better if it were just a little taller. But I do like "Gentleman Gambler Avenue and "Johnny Hale Boulevard" does have a nice ring to It. -

As to "OK-Johnny" International Airport I will have to give that a little more thought – It would be better in keeping with my life that it be made more formal – I kind of like the full name "Oklahoma Johnny Hale" International Airport – don't you think that would be a little bit better.

Max, you are ahead of your time-and no one would ever accuse you of being myopic-as to my birthday being made a national poker holiday – but I am sure that when I go to the big game in the sky – That there will be a "The Seniors" tournament that will bear my name.

Max, I know that you think I am croesus and because I do not want to make a kerfuffle out of this I will allow you go go ahead and use an epithet now and then about me when you write your columns and I will always hasitate to litiagate.

This is a de'marche but if you obdurate in the future I may reconsider. I know that you think you have a bully pulpit but it is strongly suggested that you temporize as much as possible.

You are invited to all my "The Seniors" events in Foxwoods, WSOP, Reno Hilton, The Orleans The Four Queens & Midnight Roses in Colorado.and where ever two or three of us are joined together to play poker.

Remember, Max to Always – STAY LUCKY!!!

Oklahoma Johnny Hale

"The Elder Statesman of Poker"

Thanks for writing my column, Johnny. How much do I owe you?