Mutiny on My Bounty

Poker players everywhere used to adore me because my columns brought so much joy and happiness into their lives. When they saw me, their eyes would light up. "Max," they would gush, "you're the greatest. Your last column made me roll on the floor. Keep it up." In fact, with the possible exception of Barry Shulman, I was probably the most beloved figure in the poker industry.

And then I became associated with RoyalVegasPoker.com, the online poker site, and everything changed. As one of RVP's "experts," I became a designated bounty in their weekly Wednesday expert tournaments. Suddenly, players viewed me not as America's foremost gaming humorist, but as America's foremost gaming target. They turned on me for money.

Not just for the $50 bounty, you understand, as everyone who knocked me out also got a copy of my acclaimed book, Read 'em and Laugh. Autographed! That book is extremely valued and sought-after because there can't be more than 22,000 copies still available.

In the past when I played some tournament online, the chat box at my table would read, "Hey, it's Max!" "How ya doing, Max?" "Good luck, Max!" Now they read, "Hey, it's Max! Bounty time! Let's get him!"

It's like blood in the water, with all the sharks lining up for a bite. It's bad enough that my lovable status has changed. Even worse, being a bounty plays hell on your game. Since everyone wants to get their hands on that extra money and the book, your normal strategy turns upside down. Forget about bluffing. Forget about playing marginal hands. They'll call you with anything, hoping to get lucky and knock you out. And forget about raising to thin the field. If you're in the pot, it becomes family-pot time.

I wish I could be incognito, but RoyalVegas doesn't permit it. I'm not allowed to employ any of my poker aliases, such as "DeadMoney" or "EasyPickings," but am forced to use the straightforward "Max_Shapiro." At first, I thought I might keep a low profile, wear dark glasses, and fly under the radar so that players might not know who I was or that I was a bounty. Fat chance. As soon as the tournament starts, here comes fellow expert Lou Krieger merrily visiting and greeting all the tables. "Hi, everyone," he'll message. "Max Shapiro is at this table. Knock him out and win a big bounty from rvp."

Thanks for the blood in the water, Lou.

The result has been that I usually get knocked out before my chair is warm. I tried all kinds of countermeasures. I tightened up and restricted myself to playing only top premium hands such as my favorite one: J-8 suited. That didn't help. Then, if I noticed that a player was hesitating and obviously debating whether to call me, I would frantically type in a message: "HopScotch44, I like you, so don't call. I have pocket aces." For some reason, which I have been unable to figure out, that only seemed to induce calls.

On the one hand, you could say I had a pretty good job; start work at 5:30 p.m., get off work at 5:34 p.m. On the other hand, it wasn't doing much for my self-esteem as a poker player. Playing in brick-and-mortar casinos is bad enough. Between exposing my cards and giving off tells that Ray Charles could read, I'm usually the biggest dog at the table. But at least players never come swarming after me because there is a bounty on my head.

The paranoia was starting to get to me. I felt like Saddam Hussein on that deck of cards, or some guy on the FBI's 10 Most Wanted list, or somebody with a big dead or alive reward on his head, with bounty hunters from all around the country closing in with packs of drooling bloodhounds.

My sweetie has some experience in this area. Not only is she one of the RoyalVegasPoker experts, but for years before that she was a bounty at Bay 101's Shooting Star tournament. So, I asked her, as a delicate, fragile woman, how stressful it is to have players trying their best to knock her out.

"It's their funeral," she shrugged.

"Well, can't you give me any advice on how to keep from getting knocked out?" I begged.

She thought for a while. "Try to avoid getting involved with someone who has more chips than you," she offered. Then she had second thoughts. "That won't work. Everyone always has more chips than you do."

You'd think there'd be a book on this subject. Poker used to be so simple. For many years, How to Play Poker Real Good was the only poker book on the market, and the only one that was needed. Then poker started to become complicated, and books became more and more specialized. Suddenly there were books on split-pot games, on hold'em, on Omaha, on razz, on no-limit, on pot-limit, on tournaments, on rebuy tournaments, on one-table satellites, on multitable satellites, on online live games and tournaments, on seniors tournaments, on ladies tournaments, on senior ladies tournaments, and so on. But there was nothing on bounty poker. So, I decided to seek advice from Tom McEvoy, the premier author of tournament books. Tom loves me. In fact, the only time he ever got upset with me was when I offered to endorse his latest book. He threatened to kill me if I ever said or wrote that I learned to play poker by reading his books.

Tom was sympathetic with my problem since he himself has been a bounty at such events as the Shooting Star and the Wildhorse Casino's Spring Poker Roundup. "It's tough being a celebrity, but somebody has to do it," he sighed. "I feel like I have a big bulls-eye stuck on my forehead.

"The only advice I can offer you," he continued, "is not to get involved with anyone who has more chips than you. On the other hand, everybody … "

"Yeah, yeah, I know," I cut him off. "Is that all you can tell me?"

"Well, the Wildhorse did have a twist," he explained. "If a bounty knocked out another player, that player got to spin a big wheel for nice prizes. So, short-stacked players tried to lose their last chips to me so they could spin the wheel. That was the first time in my life I felt I had an edge being a bounty. Maybe you can get them to do something like that."

Not a bad idea. So, I contacted the head guy at RoyalVegas to pitch the idea of letting players I knocked out spin a wheel for prizes. I guess I got off on the wrong foot, because I forgot there is a nine-hour time difference where he is, and my phone call got him out of bed at 3 a.m. Irritably, he heard me out, then growled, "There are two problems with your suggestion. First, our records show that you've never knocked out a single player in all the tournaments you've played for us."

"And the second?" I asked meekly.

"How the hell can a player spin a big wheel online?"

"How do I know?" I responded. "You're the computer experts. You figure it out."

That idea wasn't going anyplace, so I made other suggestions, like taking the bounty off my head and doubling Lou Krieger's, giving me more chips to even things out, and maybe even letting me peek at my opponent's cards. Nothing worked. I finally hinted that I might be forced to take my business elsewhere.

"No problem," the head guy yawned. "We could always hire Dirty Wally to take your place."

Oh, well, unless I can think of something else, I guess I'll have to keep wearing that bulls-eye on my forehead. So, just come and get me, all you mercenary bounty hunters. I suppose I have enough books to last a while.