The Bare Essentials of Poker - Part I

While poker has grown by leaps and bounds in the last two years, in January it will really be taking off. And by "taking off," I mean clothes as well as poker. That's when the first of three National Lampoon's Strip Poker productions is scheduled to be released on video, DVD, and pay-per-view.

These productions were shot at the fittingly named "Hedonism II," a lush nude beach pleasure resort in Jamaica. And, as the world's premier tournament reporter, it became my duty to cover (uncover?) these strip poker tournaments during their week of filming.

Antes and panties.

I know what you're thinking: another of Max's stupid fantasy stories. Fantasy-like, perhaps, but all true. Here's how it came about.

It starts with two millionaires who traveled the country to major sports events, where they staged their own promotions to raise money for cancer research. Their final stop was the Super Bowl in Houston. Publicizing these events were Jack Glasure and Scott Pinsker of the Glasure Group, a national PR firm specializing in celebrity poker promotions. In Houston, the Glasure people staged a celebrity/sports poker tournament, enlisting such names as Howard Lederer, Chris "Jesus" Ferguson, Phil Hellmuth, Yanni, Eddie George, Jerome Bettis, Clyde Drexler, and Marcus Allen. It was hosted by Phil Gordon, and one of the players was Kato Kaelin. His O.J. days long behind him, Kaelin has been using his outgoing personality to build an entertainment career, largely as a television host, as well as working in comedy development for Lampoon. His latest project will be hosting a TV show called An Eye for an Eye, a courtroom comedy he describes as Judge Judy meets Truth or Consequences.

A dedicated poker player, Kaelin has also played in two other celebrity poker events (World Poker Tour and Harrah's), and is a regular in a weekly game at the home of his friend Jimmy Van Patten, the brother of Vince.

While flying home, Glasure and Pinsker dreamed up the idea of a strip poker world championship. Kaelin then pitched execs at National Lampoon. They loved the idea. Getting the multimedia entertainment company to do these programs (in conjunction with Tri-Crown Productions) automatically gave it a comedy spin. The scope widened as the rock band Metal Skool and comedian Fred Stoller were signed on, and other personalities were lined up for post-production and publicity appearances.

Jamaica was chosen because the Glasure Group also represented Appleton Estate V/X Jamaica Rum, which sponsored Phil Gordon and Rafe Furst's "Ultimate Sports Adventure," and the brand provided additional support on the island.

Some 16 magazine models were hired as strip poker competitors, Hedonism II comped more than 40 rooms in exchange for the attendant publicity, negotiations got under way with poker venues for possible sponsorship or tie-ins, and things were off and running.

The Lampoon then hired Barbara Enright as technical adviser (on poker, not stripping). Enright has three World Series bracelets and is the only woman to make the final table in the WSOP championship event. But, she is most famous for being my sweetie. She broke the news that I was invited to come along.

"A nude resort?" I asked, trying to sound reluctant. "Will I have to take my clothes off?"

"In your case, that won't be any big thing," she responded.

Ignoring the crack, I asked what I needed to pack.

"Just a blindfold and leash," she informed me.

Before leaving for Jamaica, we met with Mick Betancourt, the movie's scriptwriter, and Suzy, a young woman who would be playing the dealer. Betancourt explained that each strip poker game would have six girls, each of whom would be wearing five items of clothing. OK – so far, so good. But then we learned the games were to be played with chips, and Barbara had to devise the rules. How the hell do you play with chips? Strip poker has always been simple: lose a pot and take off something. We scanned the Tournament Directors Association rulebook, but there was nothing about strip poker.

Finally, a novel concept was devised that will revolutionize the game. Playing no-limit hold'em with escalating blinds, each player would start with $1,500 in chips and could rebuy – not with money, but by giving up an article of clothing, even in the middle of a hand. Different articles would be worth differing amounts. A bra, for example, could be exchanged for a lot more chips than a pair of sandals. The winner of the cash prize in each of the three tournaments would be the girl who ended up with all the chips. Therefore, it would be possible to have several girls completely au naturel, but still in action, which is exactly what eventually happened. And any girl losing all of her chips would then have to remove any and all items she still had left. After losing all of her chips and clothes, each girl would then dive into a pool and swim to Kato's "guest house" to be interviewed.

While I'm sure these productions will get a rise out of its male audience, I doubt that the concept will be adopted at major poker tournaments. Who, after all, would pay to see Chris Moneymaker or Eskimo Clark strip naked and dive into a pool?

As Betancourt fleshed out the script, he made Stoller a fish out of water enjoying guilty pleasures at Hedonism II, desperately trying to hide his true destination from his mother. In one sequence, he leaves her an answering machine message saying he's in Cleveland for a gig, at the library doing research, only to have a crowd yell out, "Show us your boobs." After several such mishaps, Stoller's character is mortified to have his recently widowed mother show up as a guest at Hedonism II, where she introduces him to his "new father," a muscular Jamaican she calls "Secretariat," because parts of him are of equine caliber.

Anyway, with cast and crew and 12 cameras lined up for this poker/comedy/musical extravaganza, we're ready to fly to Jamaica.

To be continued in the next issue.