I Play the Cards That I'm Dealt

In a recent New York Times article, Porter Goss, the new CIA director, responded to a Congressional nomination hearing about his intentions with the phrase, "I play the cards that I'm dealt." It's amazing how many poker and other gambling expressions are part of our everyday jargon. It's even more remarkable that you can rarely read a business, sports, or war report without some poker lingo sneaking into it. Well, here's a little story that may sound familiar.

Wesley Whitecollar headed into the office of Smallcap, Inc. expecting a humdrum day, when he came across an e-mail calling for an emergency meeting at high noon in the big conference room. The rumors were flying all morning, but the senior executives were playing it close to the vest until the big meeting, where they would lay their cards on the table. You could bet your bottom dollar that every cog in the corporate wheel was going to show up on time wearing his best poker face. Wesley talked to everybody he could find, but the only person who claimed to know anything was a dirty, double-dealing degenerate from the kickbacks department.

The president of the company, Mike Megalomaniac, made his entrance at 12:01 and a hush came over the room. Mike was a guy who had a magnetic personality and not someone who got lost in the shuffle. He anted up with his usual praise for how well the company was doing and his appreciation for how hard everyone was working. Then, he got down to the nitty-gritty. He announced that the company had become a takeover target and that it was in play. Furthermore, he stated that a second player had entered the game and a third wild card was buying up shares, but he read that one as a bluff. Everyone was concerned about whether new management would have a housecleaning in the cards. Mike didn't seem concerned, and tried to reassure everyone that if they played their cards right, they'd have long and prosperous careers. Of course, his golden parachute agreement gave him a couple of aces in the hole.

Mike quickly rushed off to his next meeting with the head of the legal team, Sheldon Shrewd. You could always depend on Sheldon if he had a piece of the action. And Sheldon had a piece of this action – seven figures worth. Mike said, "OK, Sheldon, deal me in; how do we play our hand?" Sheldon was usually a straight shooter, but today he sounded like he was trying to pass the buck. Mike continued, "Sheldon, talk to me; let's keep our cards aboveboard." Mike wasn't satisfied with Sheldon's answers, so he hired a private investigator to check all the angles.

Mike hired Sam Spade. Sam had a good heart and you could always count on him when the chips were down. It was helpful that Sam was always hanging out at the right clubs where the ladies were dripping with diamonds. Sam understood that the stakes weren't high. They were astronomical! Mike knew that Sam was hands down the best in the business. It didn't take Sam long to uncover a perplexing number of conflicts of interest for Sheldon. It turns out that Sheldon had a piece of all the players! Every time Sheldon sweetened the pot and raised the stakes, he couldn't lose; he was playing all sides of this game. When Sam confronted him, Sheldon made all kinds of nasty threats, but Sam called his bluff and turned him in. Several government agencies had a field day with Sheldon, who ended up losing his entire bankroll, along with his license to practice law. Sheldon pleaded to the judge, "I just play the cards that I'm dealt." It turns out that Sheldon wasn't playing with a full deck, and the judge threw the book at him! Luckily for Sheldon, it happened to be a fine poker book that he read in the slammer. And that was the beginning of Sheldon's new career as a poker player.

If you were able to follow that story, then I'll give you 2-to-1 odds on as many coin flips as you want as long as I get to choose – heads I win and tails you lose.

Robert is the 2002 World Series of Poker champion and the instructor on the WiseGuys on Texas Hold'em videos, starring some famous actors from the Sopranos. The videos are very informative, as well as entertaining, and are available at wiseguyson.com.