Heard in a Brick-and-Mortar Cardroom

Those players new to poker who are playing for the first time in a live cardroom (also known as a brick-and-mortar cardroom, or simply b&m), and those not so new but are familiar only with online poker, will hear sayings that seem witty and fresh upon first hearing them. But if you play for any length of time, you may hear the same expressions over and over.



As a service to you, I'm alerting you to some of these seemingly clever expressions, ones that I have heard countless times in many years as a cardroom habitué.



When someone asks the chances of an unlikely event occurring, such as the questioner getting even, some wag at the table often replies, "Your chances of getting even are slim and none, and Slim just left town." The context also might be one in which someone makes a large bet and is not called, and then shows his monster hand and says to a player who folded, "You would have called if I'd bet less." The reply, of course, is, "The chances of my calling were … "



The following saying is often attributed to Amarillo Slim Preston, supposed coiner of many of the colorful expressions heard in cardrooms, but I first heard it in the '60s, long before I'd ever heard of Slim. Someone describes a monster pot, usually one with multiple big hands out and with lots of betting, as "so big a show dog couldn't jump over it."



When a player hears something he doesn't like or has no intention of doing, you might hear this standard exchange: Someone might say, "It's your turn to buy the drinks," or, "I've been overblinding a lot of pots; how about you kill the next pot?" The response could be, "I'll tell him when he comes in."



When someone makes a bet that he hoped would eliminate players but it gets many callers instead, he might say, "Man, they're coming in off the street to call me." And someone who calls a bet in what appears to be a large pot might say, "I'd swim the river to play this pot."



Being on tilt sometimes causes an affliction known as speeding. That is, a player plays too many pots, often betting large amounts in big-bet games and betting and raising frequently in limit games. This can happen after someone suffers a bad beat or, for whatever reason, loses a large pot. Someone else notices the extremely fast play and remarks, "Are you double-parked outside?" Related to that is the admonition to someone who has just made a large bluff: "Don't get caught speeding."



And when someone does get caught in a bluff, usually by a calling station who just couldn't lay down a hand, he might say, "There's a cop on every corner."



You might hear an old-time rounder say in the middle of a losing session, "It's a good thing my girlfriend has a job."



When asked if he plays for fun, someone might respond, "Yeah, and the more I win, the more fun I have."



Players used to have a lot of cute names for poker hands; you'll still hear some of them. A toilet flush used to be, in a draw game, a missed flush draw; that is, after having drawn one card to a flush, ending up with exactly what the player started with, four cards to a flush and nothing else. You'd hear, "I've got a flush." "Oh yeah? Well, I've got a toilet flush." I'm sure you'll hear that expression in hold'em games if you play enough.



Another that I used to hear in draw games, but likely has made its way into the popular poker variants of today, was the announcement players used to make of a hand consisting of three of a kind plus a pair: "I've got a foolish house."



Rhyming couplets being popular among card players, I'm sure you won't have to wait long to hear a straight described as "from here to there without a pair." As you tentatively approach a table, the dealer may invite you to "light and fight," or perhaps try to entice you with, "The game's not hard and you're not barred."



OK, maybe those are so old-fashioned that they have gracefully shuffled off this mortal coil, but I'm sure you'll hear the following announcements by the holders of heart and diamond flushes: "All red." "All pink." And those with spade and club flushes may feel impelled to announce them as "all purple," "all black," or "all blue."



Players, particularly in California, are fond of describing their actions figuratively or onomatopoetically, often with the names of cities. But I've heard these expressions in cardrooms all over the country. Instead of "I pass," players say in turn, "Pasadena," "Pasatiempo," or "Passepartout." I wonder how many who mouth the latter have even read or seen Around the World in 80 Days. Anyway, why, I wonder, do players feel the need for creativity? Why can't they just simply say "pass," or, better, tap on the table? They're not being creative when you've heard the expression thousands of times.



This one is lost somewhere in antiquity. A player passes on a particular round of betting and tries to give the implication that he will check-raise if someone bets. Usually, the player just wants to shut down the betting, either to get a free card or because he thinks he will be forced to call a bet that he doesn't want to. "Pass for a dirty play." I thought this particular expression was largely confined to home games, but I've heard it in cardrooms around the world.



Of course, everyone has heard the saying "better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick." What you may hear in a similar situation, such as when someone wins a pot that either isn't as big as he thinks it ought to be or, more likely, is much, much bigger than would be expected for the situation, is "better than a hot stove."



When a player who has just been decimating the table finally leaves a game, someone might say, "Don't let the door hit you in the a – – on the way out." That is, good riddance! And that's something you won't "hear" online.

Michael Wiesenberg's The Ultimate Casino Guide, published by Sourcebooks, is available at fine bookstores and at Amazon.com and other online book purveyors. Send commendations, complaints, and conundrums to [email protected].