Marriage and Poker: Making it Work

I just celebrated my 20th wedding anniversary with my husband/poker player on Jan. 18, 2006. I decided after this milestone that it was time I passed on some advice to married professional poker players on how to have a successful marriage. And this advice is for all married poker players – men and women alike.



Without hesitation, the most important thing is trust. Professional poker players are gone a lot, traveling to poker tournaments all over the country. This is just a given in the professional poker world. So, husbands and wives must be able to trust each other completely – no ifs, ands, or buts. My husband and I are able to trust each other 100 percent when he is away. He never has to worry when he is away about what I am doing or what I am not doing. I am always working, taking care of our home, or spending time with our children or grandchildren. This enables him to concentrate on poker. I, likewise, never give it a second thought about what he might be doing while he is away. He is playing poker, talking with fellow poker players, eating, or sleeping.



The second thing needed is communication when you are away at a poker tournament. This is the age of the cellphone. There is no excuse or reason why you should not be calling your spouse on a regular basis while you are away. Your spouse should never feel alone or insecure just because you are at a poker tournament. You need to support one another whether you are right next to each other or across the country from each other. Your families still have needs and problems that occur while you are at that poker tournament, and they should be able to talk to you and share these concerns. You may not physically be there, but a spouse definitely feels comforted just talking to you and having you listen. That is what a marriage is all about.



Lastly, it is all about setting your priorities. Poker tournaments are played somewhere every day, so you can always play a poker tournament. Your spouse and family should always come first. You should make every effort to be with your spouse and family for those special occasions – holidays, anniversaries, birthdays, and especially those once-in-a-lifetime events like baby births, christenings, graduations, and so on. You know what they are.



I am not saying you have to be home for every family birthday or holiday, but you should be there for most. Your wife and children will long remember that you were there for that special occasion. Your fellow poker players will not remember (or even care) that you were not there at the last no-limit hold'em tournament.



If you must be away for one of these special events, no matter what you do, call home. Wish them happy birthday or happy Easter, and tell them you love them. Don't ever let your spouse or family think that any poker tournament is more important than they are. Cards and gifts are great, but making that telephone call makes all the difference. Trust me, I know.



But then you ask, "What if I make it to the final table in a poker tournament, and there is a special family occasion on that day?" That's easy. Don't play in that particular tournament if you know the final table is scheduled for the same day that you have a special family commitment.



My husband has a close friend, Bob Kirkaby. Last summer he played in a poker tournament and made the final table, which was scheduled for the next day. His daughter was graduating from high school on that day. What did he do? He said it was a no-brainer. His daughter graduates only once from high school. His responsibility was to her, and he went to her graduation. He said there would always be another final table.



I cannot emphasize enough that if you choose to be married and want to stay happily married, your family must never take second place to poker. Your spouse will be there for you in sickness and health. I don't know whether I can say the same for your fellow poker players. You can love poker, but your first love and true love should always be your wife or husband and your family.



For what it's worth …



Vince Burgio maintains a website, http://www.pokervince.com/, and is the author of a new autobiography titled Pizza, Pasta and Poker.