Arnold Plays Mit der Ladies

Home values are plummeting. The stock market is crashing. The dollar is crumbling. Gas will be $10 a gallon before long. Global warming is melting the polar ice, and soon we'll all drown. And yet, despite being surrounded by imminent and ongoing disasters, the only thing on some people's minds seems to be concern that ladies poker tournaments are discriminatory.

Lawsuits are being threatened. As of this writing, one California casino canceled its weekly ladies tournament to avoid being involved in any litigation. That was a real blow to me because my sweetie had been the host of that event, and it was the first job she had held in 30 years. The problem is that California law states that all business establishments must provide all services and advantages to customers without discriminating against age, color, religion, ancestry, national origin, disability, medical condition, or gender. Therefore, casinos wishing to run ladies events aren't allowed to advertise them as "ladies only," and are forced to admit any man who wants in. So, you have clowns like former major league ballplayer Jose Canseco and his pals crashing a ladies tournament at Commerce Casino a few months ago. Good grief, Charlie Brown. If some guy tried to force his way into a ladies tournament in Texas, he'd be lynched on the spot.

I tried to think of some way to keep the men at bay while getting Barbara back to work. For a while, I thought that perhaps casinos could require anyone playing in a ladies event to wear lipstick and a miniskirt, but legal experts told me that this would also be discriminatory. In any event, it probably wouldn't deter people like Jose. It would just give them more kicks.

Finally, I decided to go to the top, talk to Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, and see if he could do anything. It wouldn't be the first time I had asked for his help. A few years ago, two Indian tribes announced plans to build mega-casinos in Barstow. Competition from honest cardrooms would have wiped out Big Denny's Barstow Card Casino, thus depriving me of my main source of material, so I asked Schwarzenegger to intervene. He wasn't very sympathetic. "Der Indians vas here millions of years before Colombo discovered America," he advised me sternly. Anyway, figuring I had nothing to lose, I went to see him a second time.

At the appointed hour, I walked into his office. As he saw me, he hastily dropped a magazine he was staring at.

"Reading Playboy again, governor?"

"Nein, nein," he protested. "I vas reading der National Geographic."

"Sideways?"

"Neffer mind," he said in annoyance. Then he recognized me. "You again?" he barked. "Iss you still bothering me about Big Denny und der Indian casinos in Barstow?"

"Something else this time, guv," I said, and told him about the problem facing ladies tournaments.

Arnold seemed fascinated. "Do you mean dat any girly man can play mit der ladies in such tournaments?"

I nodded.

"Und I could play, too?"

"It's the law."

He thought for a moment. "Hmm. Iss dere any girly tournaments scheduled soon?"

"Well, the Bicycle Casino is having a $100 event in two days."

Arnold consulted his calendar. "Oh, dere is a very important budget meeting scheduled on dat day. Too bad." He picked up his phone and called his secretary. "Cancel der budget meeting, Tootsie. Something more important has chust come up."

Schwarzenegger rubbed his hands. "Ya, dis certainly needs der investigation. Now, iff only I knew how to play poker."

I offered to have Barbara give him lessons, and we all met an hour before the tournament started. As I feared, the governor's mind was elsewhere. When Barbara tried to emphasize the importance of position, he described the missionary position. Talking about "the nuts" and "going all in" drew similar lewd replies. So, Barbara decided she'd better not use the term "sucking out."

Just before the starting time, Schwarzenegger strode up to the registration desk, causing an immediate uproar. Tournament Director Denny Williams, rushing over to see what the fuss was about, was startled to find the unexpected guest. "Oh, hello, governor," he said uncertainly. "My name's Denny. Can I help you with anything?"

"So," Schwarzenegger said sarcastically, "I finally meet der Big Denny."

"I am not Big Denny," Williams replied angrily. "I'm Denny Williams, the tournament director. What can I do for you?"

"I want to play der girly tournament."

"You do? May I ask why?"

"I am doing der research into der legalities of der present law allowing men to play."

"Good for you, Governor Schwarzenegger. We appreciate that."

Arnold's voice dropped low as he pointed to one of the tables. "Und could you seat me dere, next to der blonde mit der big boobies?"

"Sorry, sir. It's strictly random seating."

"I see. Und ven does your casino's gaming license come up for der renewal?"

Williams sighed. "Seat him next to the boobies," he instructed the sign-up attendant.

Schwarzenegger handed over $100. "Uh, it will cost another $25," said Williams.

"Why?" Schwarzenegger demanded to know.

"It's for the juice."

"Joose? I'm not Jooish."

Williams finally managed to explain, and Schwarzenegger took his seat, trying to ignore the chorus of boos that greeted him. He quickly tried hitting on the blonde. "Do you come here often, honey?" he asked.

"I used to, but not anymore," she replied disdainfully.

"So play poker, already, you big lug," Aunt Sophie yelled from a nearby table.

The cards were dealt. On the first hand, Arnold looked at pocket jacks. "I'm all in," he cried out, still chuckling at the expression.

"And all out," said a lady, calling and turning up pocket aces.

"The Terminator is terminated," another woman cracked.

"Not so fast," Arnold cried, as he pulled out another bill. "Dis iss a rebuy tournament."

That went quickly, and then another, and another, as the ladies played rings around him, taunting him all the way.

Within an hour, Arnold, having his fill of losses and heckling, to say nothing of a couple of cans of soda tossed at him, stood up and bolted out.

"Well," Williams asked as he was leaving, "do you think the law should be changed to protect the women?"

"The women?" Schwarzenegger sneered. "It's der men vat need protecting at girly tournaments. I will see that such a law gets passed.

"And then," he added, "I'll be back."

OK, guys, it looks like you'll be home free soon. Have fun, and thank the guv.

Max Shapiro, a lifelong poker player and former newspaper reporter with several writing awards to his credit, has been writing a humor column for Card Player ever since it was launched 20 years ago. His early columns were collected in his book, Read 'em and Laugh.