Funny Hands II

I've written about Ralph Perry in my columns before; he's a regular in the "big game" and has had some good tournament results without playing many. If you don't know him offhand, he was the guy in the funny shirt who came in third in the 2002 World Series of Poker main event that was won by Robert Varkonyi. Ralph is a very solid player who rarely goes on tilt, but when he does …

I don't believe I've mentioned Marlon Santos in my columns before. His last name is actually De Los Santos, meaning of the saints, but this guy is far from a saint. I believe Marlon actually originated on the other side of the river Styx, and he'll go to any length to get a laugh. He's the type of guy who would plug the barrel of a shotgun with cement, then bet someone $5 that he couldn't hit the side of a barn.

This hand took place sometime around 1993 in the Mirage poker room. We all were regulars in the $50-$100/$75-$150 hold'em game that recently had been created by Lenny Martin and myself. Ralph was one of the tighter players, and Marlon was more of a gambler. This game was great, as all of the middle-of-the-road players (talentwise) from the $20-$40 game were still too timid to make the jump up, so it was just a small group of very talented pros and some complete fish.

Needless to say, we were very competitive. And that was especially so between Marlon and Ralph. I think Marlon wanted Ralph to go back down to the $20-$40 game, to get rid of this non-gambling guy. It was common for the live ones to want to put the live straddle on for a few rounds, and all the pros would agree, with one exception - you guessed it, Ralph.

Marlon took such offense to this one day that he decided to humiliate Ralph either into submission or back to the $20-$40 game (or maybe on his bike back to Russia, as Tony G said; look this up on YouTube if you don't know what I'm talking about; it will be well worth your while, I promise; search Tony G vs. Ralph Perry). Anyway, when Ralph balked at putting the live $100 in on the blind straddle, Marlon made the dealer stop, and he began berating poor Ralph.

"Why don't you go back down to the $3-$6 if you so scared, Ralph?" Marlon asked. Ralph kept quiet and kept his cool (at least for now). Marlon wasn't about to give up, and this went on for several minutes. Finally, Marlon said that if Ralph wasn't enough of a man and too scared to put up the whole $100 by himself, he (Marlon) would give Ralph $25 of it and Ralph would have to put up only $75. "Are you even 75 percent of a man?" the ruthless Marlon queried.

This must have gotten to Ralph, as he finally relented and put up $75 along with Marlon's $25 for the live straddle. After the cards were dealt, Marlon quickly raised, and like animals sensing an imminent disaster, the rest of the players quickly got out of the way. When it got to Ralph, the action was on - raise, raise, raise …

At about this time, I got a page, and knowing this hand was going to take a while, I got up to answer my call. By the time I was done, I had to fight through a crowd to get back to my seat. Our game had become quite the spectator sport, with a large crowd forming. When I finally got through, I saw why.

The flop had come Q-8-7 with two spades, and there were so many bets out there, it was unreal. It reminded me of two guys setting up opposing massive armies of figurine soldiers for a mock battle. The stacks of four $25 chips literally covered their entire half of the table!

And they weren't done yet! The turn brought an offsuit king, and they went at it again. Raise, raise, raise, raise … Finally, Ralph just called and the river was the 9. Ralph checked, Marlon bet, and Ralph quickly folded. WTF? That was the thought going through my mind when Marlon picked up his hand, exposing the 3! The 3 meant that Marlon couldn't possibly have had any kind of a draw, and not really any kind of a hand at all. I mean, even if he flopped top pair, he had no kicker, and an overcard came on the turn and a straight and flush card on the river.

"What's wrong, Ralph? You can't even beat 3 high?" Marlon kept shouting, showing the 3 to his audience. Ralph quietly sat there with the same expression he had while being berated by Tony G (who has nothing on Marlon S, by the way).

All I could think of was, boy, Ralph sure can pick the wrong guys to mess with!