What Do Real Poker Players Feel?

My friend was depressed and angry. He had been on a long losing streak, and his last session was disastrous. Because of two bad beats, he lost several buy-ins. He asked me, “Do you know what real poker players feel?”

“I’m a real player, so I guess I know.”

“No, you don’t. I’ve never seen you get upset about poker. Real players get upset once in a while. I’m a real player, and poker is the center of my life. Lots of players feel the same way.

“People who have jobs or other ways to occupy their time aren’t real players. They may play well, but their heads are in a different place. I study constantly, talk about strategy and hands all the time, and do everything I can to master the game.

“When I’m winning, I’m cheerful, smiling, and nice to people.” He smiled, almost laughed, and then went on.

“I can shrug off most losses. I know they’re just part of the game. But, when I lose day after day, when my draws don’t come in, and my hands don’t stand up, it affects everything I think and do. I blow up over little things.”

He described his overreaction to a trivial incident, and said, “I would never have done that if I wasn’t so upset about this losing streak.”

He shook his head, saying, “I’m glad I’m divorced. I don’t know how married pros keep from being mean to their families. It must be tough to be a real player’s wife or child. They want attention, but when I’m losing, I don’t want to be around anybody. This turns women off. Who wants to be around a grouch?

“It’s probably especially tough on kids. They never know whether daddy is going to avoid them, yell at them, or give them a hug. Wives probably feel the same way, but they can handle it better. Kids don’t understand. They wonder, ‘Why is daddy so mad at me? What did I do wrong?’”

I asked, “You’re not saying that all real players are men, are you?”

“No, of course not. But, naturally, I see things from a man’s point of view. I’m glad I didn’t play poker seriously when my daughter was young. I might have taken out my frustrations on her.

“The problem has gotten worse since I’ve gotten older. Physical limitations have narrowed my life. I don’t snow-ski, water-ski, play tennis, go boating, run 10 kilometer races, chase women, drink, or do any of the things I used to do. I’ve been retired for 10 years, and I don’t want to go back to work. So, poker is almost all I’ve got to do with my time.

“I think running bad is the biggest reason that good players quit playing. They get so frustrated that thinking about playing sickens them.” 

You may think I’m exaggerating, but my friend said that I had accurately reported our conversation. If you have similar feelings, you must learn to control them and your reactions.

I disagree with my friend’s definition of real player. My friends and I are real players. We take poker as seriously as he does, but we don’t have such huge emotional reactions to it. However, I’ve never wondered who is or isn’t a real player. I’ve focused on the characteristics of winners and losers, and most of the consistent winners don’t have such extreme reactions.

Of course, I don’t know how they feel inside, but they certainly don’t get so visibly upset. I doubt that you can win consistently if your results have such huge effects upon you. If winning and losing cause your feelings to soar or plunge, you can’t play your best, period. Anyone who thinks he can play his A-game when he is very emotional is just denying reality. So, you have to find some way to prevent these feelings from severely affecting your play.

Recognize That You’re Not Unique

Everybody dislikes losing at anything, even tennis or Scrabble. Add the fact that poker losses hurt both your ego and your wallet, and the frustration can get quite painful.

Prevent Your Feelings From Becoming Too Strong

Once you’re highly emotional, it’s usually too late to control your feelings or destructive reactions. So, identify your triggers, whatever upsets you or makes you become overconfident, then avoid them, especially the ones that really affect you. Since negative reactions are more common and destructive, I’ll focus on their three biggest triggers:
• Bad beats
• Large losses
• Losing streaks

Bad beats: You have been told repeatedly that they are unavoidable, that you get them when you play properly and opponents make mistakes, and that you will ultimately profit from their mistakes. But that information doesn’t make bad beats hurt any less.

Monitor your feelings, recognize when they are so strong that they threaten to overwhelm you, and then immediately quit playing. If you play just one more hand, a bad beat or something else may put you on tilt. Then, you may convert a painful loss into a disastrous one.

Large losses: I once coined the term “psychological bankroll.” It’s the amount you can lose without getting so upset that your play deteriorates. It’s always much less than your financial bankroll. Mine is quite small. When I’m in danger of passing my limit, I quit. It’s a no-brainer. Since I never incur painful losses, I don’t get severely upset.

Losing streaks: If I lose several sessions in a row, I don’t play for a while, to let my feelings recover. I urge you to do the same. There will always be another poker game, and when you feel better, you’ll play better.

Relate Your Recent Losses to the Larger Picture

That bad beat or big loss you just took feels huge now, but its impact on your life is probably trivial. If you compare it to all the money you have won or lost, it’s probably peanuts. If you compare it to the really important things, like your health, family, and friends, it’s even less important.

Diversify Your Life

My friend has stopped doing many things that he used to do, which has made poker much too important to him. Because it’s the center of his life, his results determine how he feels about himself and the world.

Diversification is a fundamental principle of all sound investment strategies. Whether you’re investing your money, time, or emotions, apply that old adage, “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.” If you do, you can easily go bankrupt, either financially or emotionally.

Poker is a terrible place to invest everything. No matter how well you play, you will have bad beats, losing sessions, and losing streaks.

Find other ways to occupy your time and thoughts. Pick things that are unrelated to poker, such as a hobby, volunteer work, or a part-time job. Better yet, work on losing weight, getting in shape, or improving your relationships with other people. So, my most important advice to anyone who overreacts to poker losses or wins is, don’t let poker take over your life.

To learn more about yourself and other players, you can buy Dr. Schoonmaker’s books, Your Worst Poker Enemy and Your Best Poker Friend, at CardPlayer.com.