One Man Against a Machine

A couple of years ago, I tried to beat a machine. It went something like this. About ten days after trying to withdraw several thousand in cash from a site, I’d heard nothing from them, so I emailed them to find out where my money was. This was a mistake.

“Thank you for contacting us. This is an auto-reply to inform you that we received your e-mail. We will reply to your query promptly and with individual care. Please bear in mind though that in peak times, it may take up to 36 hours to reply.”

I tried again.

“Dear site,
This is me again. Thank you for yet another auto-reply. I’m beginning to really feel part of things. You having my money and behaving like it’s yours and hanging on to it for dear life and me trying my best to get my hands on it is a truly touching kind of bonding experience. Fun and all as this is I did make a New Year’s resolution to look after the financial planning part of my empire so I’d be your happiest customer ever if you could drag yourselves away from your excuse-making classes and give me your best guess as to when I can expect you to pay me my money. The nearest month will do fine.”

They upped their game.

“This is not an auto-reply. (I really liked this!). I am real and I’m writing firstly to apologise for the length of time it took us to inform you that we needed your IBAN number in order to process your cashout. I guess it doesn’t make much difference, but the reason for this is that all cashouts have a three-day waiting period before going into process. This allows members to reverse their cashout without incurring any processing fees. That being said, I assure you that we are currently increasing our workforce in order to cope with the attendant increases in membership and correspondence and I am therefore confident that any future issues will be dealt with in our previous rapier-like style. Thanks for your patience and for your kind, if ever-so-slightly sarcastic, praise of our customer service.”

A real person at last!

“Hi,
Thanks for taking the time to reply. I apologise for the delay in getting back to you but I’ve taken to copying your excellent system and am not replying to any correspondence for three working days. This gives me the opportunity to reverse any comments I might have been tempted to make in haste without all the bother of apologies and grovelling and stuff later. Thanks a lot for the guidance in this matter. I had never really considered the full benefit to the customer of cashout requests being ignored for 72 hours. It certainly could be of tremendous benefit to a guy who was on the verge of doing something ill-advised like paying his mortgage or his credit card bill. Take a bow. Happy days. I got an email yesterday from one of your colleagues who goes by the name of Transaction Department informing me that my transaction was due for process. I almost panicked and wrote to thank him, her, or it for their part in getting through all the complicated red tape in only nine days (I’m including weekend time as I’ve been assured your dynamic machine is working for me round the clock) but I remembered my new 72 hour rule at the 11th hour. If you see him, her, or it please pass on my good wishes. I shall be doing so myself on Tuesday.”

I felt we were really getting places but 10 days later, I reluctantly had to give them some bad news.

“Hi,
Sorry to have to bother you again but I’m even more sorry at having to waste my time again. The problem is quite simple: I attempted to withdraw a further 5,000 from my account eight days ago. The only indication I’ve had that my request got through to you guys is the money vanished from my account immediately. I have not even received an automated e-mail.”

There’s a great poker lesson here. When you realise you’re in a game you can’t beat, the best option may be to hit the cash desk and find another game, no matter how much fun you’re having.

Padraig Parkinson is well-known on the European poker scene, both for his poker prowess and sense of humour. He was one bluff away from winning the 1999 World Series of Poker, but unfortunately got called. Padraig Parkinson plays at and is sponsored by BoylePoker.com.