When Push Comes to Shove

I am a wanted man. I was thrown out of a poker room for inflicting assault on another player. And no, this wasn't in some rattrap like Big Denny's Barstow Card Casino, where fights are part of the decor. It was at (gulp) Bellagio!

The object of my infliction was a semiprofessional Vegas railbird who's been annoying my sweetie for years. He has a fixation on her and wants to write a movie script about her life. When he spots her in a cardroom, he'll stand near her table and look at her with laser-beam intensity. Earlier this year, as she played in a stud game at Bellagio, he unsettled her by repeatedly walking away from his low-limit game to go into his staring mode. She complained to me, so the next time he walked up and did his staring bit, I asked him to move. He refused, saying he was "just watching the game," so I encouraged him with a little push. A shouting and threatening match ensued, and we ended up in the manager's office. Since he had caused trouble before, he was told to leave for the night, and I smugly returned to my own game, mission accomplished.

But about 15 minutes later there was a tap on my shoulder, and I was politely advised that since I had admittedly committed the no-no of physical contact, I would also have to leave for the night. (I am probably the only player in history who was simultaneously thrown out and asked to sign an autograph.)

Heck, no problem. I was delighted to have my status elevated from wimp to roughneck, and being thrown out probably saved me money because I was stuck like a pig in my game and on third-stage tilt. I apologized for my ungentlemanly conduct, but in truth, the only thing I regretted was simply shoving the creep instead of bopping him. On my way out, I told a friend who is a Bellagio floor supervisor what had happened, and he suggested that I write a column about it.

OK, I just did. However, this is pretty thin gruel for a whole column, so I'd like to use it as an excuse to expand to a wider arena, the general problem of fighting and violence in card casinos. Vince Burgio for a long time has been thinking about writing an article on this subject, urging casinos to elevate the status of poker and protect players by getting tougher on barring the brawlers. I encouraged him, suggesting that he use as a prime example a certain player who has slugged any number of people without being permanently barred. Vince never did get around to it, so let me finish his column, and even split my writer's fee with him (ha, ha!).

This player – let's just call him Hambone – holds the major league batting record for most hits in a casino. He's punched at least four people that I know of, in three different casinos (two in one night), and once nearly killed a female employee of Card Player. As she passed by him one time during a tournament break at a Vegas casino, he made a lewd remark. She replied in kind, and as she walked away, a soda bottle aimed at her head whizzed by, brushing her hair and narrowly missing her.

If he were a musician, you could call it Hambone's greatest hits.

Now, here's my point: We have a three-strike law that mandates that anyone convicted of a third crime (even stealing a bag of cookies) is automatically sentenced to life imprisonment. So, why is it that someone like Hambone can assault five players in casinos, get thrown out each time, and still end up being welcomed back? Perhaps it's because he happens to be a well-known, high-stakes player and the casinos desire his business. But should Hambone's business really matter more to them than the safety of their other patrons? (To say nothing of the grief he causes players, dealers, and floormen with his verbal abuse.)

Here's something else that casinos might consider: Someday he may slug yet another player (maybe me, for writing this), and the casino where it happens could face a multimillion dollar lawsuit for endangering its patrons by permitting a player with a history of violence on the premises.

Poker should not be one of the X-treme sports. The object of the game is to have the biggest hand, not the biggest fist. Bad beats, yes. Bad beatings, no. I contend, for the good of the game, that any player causing this much carnage should be barred by all casinos. Anyway, as Vince would have said, that's my opinion … for what it's worth.

(P.S. Pushes and shoves don't count.)