The Biggest Leak

"Whether he likes it or not, a man's character is stripped at the poker table … Unless he is both able and prepared to see himself as others do, flaws and all, he will be a loser in cards, as in life."

- Anthony Holden

In a recent column, I posed the question of why anyone would show his cards to another player at the table. Then, I played dumb and ignored the real reason.

I'm not talking about turning a bluff faceup to put someone on tilt. I'm talking about a hand in which a player on the button raises, the blinds fold, and, then as if to say, "I wasn't stealing from you without a hand," the player flashes an ace before he mucks his hand.

Mind you, I saw this several times during a tournament, where there is absolutely no secret about the goal: to defeat your opponents. So, why the gesture of sympathy? Because deep down, everyone wants to be liked and feel validated. That means you, too – and the more you deny it, the more it's likely to be the case.

Not for a minute am I saying that there's anything wrong with this. It's a positive element of human nature – and a positive element of poker – if you understand it.

Let's back up for a second and get back to the goal of playing poker. For winning players, the goal is to make money, pure and simple. But what is the goal of a losing player? I'm not saying that anyone shows up at a card game week after week with the intent of losing money. What I am saying is that those who do so are there to fill some void in their lives.

You hear the word "leak" a lot in reference to a poker player. It usually refers to someone who can't keep money in his pocket due to bad habits such as betting sports, gambling in the pit, drugs, or a bunch of ex-wives. The leak you don't hear much about is the desire to be liked. It goes hand in hand with the need to feel validated and appear smart.

Just recently I was talking to a poker journalist (not a Card Player columnist) who described a hold'em hand in which he had A-Q. The flop came 10-X-X, and he called one bet on the flop. A jack came on the turn, and it was checked around. A king came on the river to give him a straight. After he took the pot, a player at the table said, "Some expert you are. You called on the turn with a gutshot. Shows what you know, Mister Writer."

Rather than make a joke or say something like, "Shows you that it's better to be lucky than good," the player/journalist said, "First of all, it was checked on the turn, and second of all, if you are mathematically inclined, I can explain to you why it would have been the correct call based on pot odds and the fact that I had 10 outs to make my hand."

Why was this "expert" player so offended? Had this comment not stung, he would have been able to shrug it off and, even more importantly, improve his table image by letting this other player think he was a live one. So, why couldn't he do it? Because it was more important for him to validate his own intelligence than it was for him to win – at least at the moment he was criticized, it was. Do you want to find the leaks in your game? Start by examining the leaks in your own life. Do you lack confidence about your intelligence? If so, you're probably engaging in conversations at the poker table that justify your play – and give your opponents information about your play. Are you neurotic about money and overly concerned about your ability to pay your bills? If so, you're probably missing bets and being bluffed out of lots of pots. Are you lonely? If so, you're probably soft-playing hands with the "friends" you make at the table and missing the all-important value bets on the river. Are you full of vengeance? If so, you probably find a nemesis at the poker table and make (bad) plays just to get even with him after he puts a beat on you.

So, now that you know that it's natural to want to feel liked and validated, how can you exploit it? For one, recognize that your only purpose at the poker table should be to win. When you win, you feel internal validation, as well as feel liked by those with whom you can enjoy your money – your friends, your family, and yourself. In other words, the people who matter in your life will like you more if you play to win.

When I won a tournament recently, the railbirds were all over me for lucky chips. Did I care that they didn't like me when I said no? What I do care about is having the money to buy holiday gifts for the people who matter in my life – and depend on me to bet the river and keep my strategy and cards to myself.

The next time you are criticized for the way you play a hand and feel the urge to defend yourself, ask yourself: Why? And then remind yourself that the only validation for a poker player comes at the cage.

Greg Dinkin is the author of The Poker Principle: Winning in Business No Matter What Cards You're Dealt, which will be published by Crown in April 2002. He is also the founder of Venture Literary (www.ventureliterary.com), where he works with writers to find publishers for their books and producers for their screenplays.