Poker Pests, Dealer Division

One of the staples of "Read 'Em and Laugh" has been my "Poker Pests" columns, which have identified and cataloged the various species of annoying players we constantly encounter at the poker table. "Like ants at a picnic" is the way I described them in the first such column. I've rung up a couple of dozen such columns, but haven't done any in a long time because I had kind of run out of specimens. So, just to keep in practice, I'd like to do a specialized one that's restricted to dealers, and dedicate this dealer column to John Bonetti.

Before I'm inundated with hate mail from put-upon dealers who have a hard enough time as it is, let me emphasize that this is all in good fun (mostly).

Understand now, I do not plan to criticize dealers who inflict bad beats on you, even though it's entirely their fault. (Well, whose fault is it if not theirs?) No, my beef is with dealers whose conduct falls short of my exacting standards.

To start with, and I know this is a personal quirk of mine, I am not enthused about dealers who sit down and cheerfully ask, "How's everybody today?" Hey, pal, what business is it of yours how I am? If you must know, I'm stuck four racks and my stomach hurts.

To continue, perhaps my biggest peeve is with dealers who try to rush you. It's one thing to politely say, "It's on you, sir," to a player who has gone brain dead. It's quite another when they point their fingers at you (ooh, I hate it when they jab their fingers at me) the instant the cards are dealt. As Bonetti would say, "D'ya mind if I look at my cards first?" It's even worse when you're in the No. 1 seat, the flop comes out, and a dealer expects immediate action while his hand is still shielding the cards from your view. (Oh, look, I'm Superman and I have x-ray vision.)

Then there are the talking dealers, a category that could easily fill a whole column by itself. I go crazy when yakking dealers slow the action while they offer the table their expert analysis of an upcoming ball game. Wait a minute, I must be lost. I thought this was the poker room, not the sportsbook.

Fortunately, this species of dealer seems to be restricted to Las Vegas. More widespread are those who offer gratuitous comments on the hands they're putting out. "Last card," you may occasionally hear a seven-card stud dealer helpfully say as he or she puts out the river card. Oh, thank you, I had thought we were playing eight-card stud. "Possible flush" is another welcome comment. Thank you very much, dealer, for alerting the other players to what I might have. I'm told that in low-limit games in some casinos, dealers are supposed to call out the possibilities to help beginning players. Great. Then why don't they say, "Possible straight flush" or "possible quads" when the first upcard is dealt? Anything is possible at that point, isn't it?

My all-time favorite was a dealer I once encountered in a little casino near Yellowstone Park. He felt compelled to describe every card that came out. I still remember, when the flop came 5-9-Q, hearing him cheerily call out, "59 and a queen."

Much worse, from my standpoint, is the dealer who impatiently barks, "Any low?" at an Omaha high-low showdown to prompt players who are still staring at their hands. If this gratuitous command costs you half a pot by alerting a player to an overlooked low, the dealer should be horsewhipped, providing you can find a horse.

How about dealers who don't acknowledge a tip with a courteous "Thank you"? I don't expect them to show their appreciation by doing an Irish jig and planting a kiss on me, but please don't act as if tips were as automatic as posting blinds and collections. Yes, yes, I know. Dealers depend on tips to flesh out their meager salaries, and that's the way things are. But please, if I split a heads-up Omaha pot and make $7 profit, don't give me a dirty look if I fail to toss you two $1 chips, the way some players, notably in the Los Angeles area, have spoiled you by doing.

Finally, I am not pleased by dealers who fail to police their tables and deter bad behavior. It's no fun when you have to sit with players who throw cards and cuss nonstop. Here you have signs all over the casino warning patrons that they will get a 30-day suspension if they so much as pick their teeth at the table or say "Goshdarn it," while all over the place players are screaming out words that would make Richard Pryor cringe, ripping up cards, and shooting guns at the ceiling. The dealers, meanwhile, sit placidly, oblivious to the mayhem surrounding them.

Most of the time, of course, all this hostility and violence is aimed directly at the dealer himself. So please, dealers, show some self-respect and don't tolerate such boorish behavior. For your sake, as well as the other players, do whatever is necessary to rein in these bad actors. And let's just hope that management is enlightened enough to back you up and enforce its own rules.