The Amarillo Slimtionary

Rebecca Romijn-Stamos was the cover girl for the 1999 swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated, and is a star in the hit film X-Men 2. With the program Last Call With Carson Daly filming at the Joint, a nightclub at the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas, Romijn-Stamos was the first guest to appear on the show. Mayor Oscar Goodman served as the guest emcee, and the crowd was thrilled when the supermodel agreed to stay on for the second guest. She had no idea what she was in for.

Moments later, a lanky Texan, dressed in his best suit, alligator-skin boots, and emerald buttons courtesy of Pablo Escobar, walked on stage and was greeted by Carson Daly. It wasn't long before he set his sights on the beautiful model and actress. When Slim shook her hand, he wasn't quick to let go as he whispered to her, "You're as pretty as a speckled pup under a red wagon."

When the interview began, Slim was his usual self, speaking in his colorful language. It wasn't long before he rattled off a couple of his famous lines: "That boy couldn't track an elephant in four feet of snow." And, "That's warmer than a widow woman's love."

Carson Daly was so dumbfounded that he said he felt like he was watching the movie Airplane, and Slim was speaking jive. At that point, Romijn-Stamos said, "You ought to write a book with just all your Slim-isms."

Not such a bad idea, I thought, and while that might take me some time, I figured I'd get started by writing a column with some of Slim's best lines.

Someone who isn't too sharp

- If it was raining soup, he'd be out in it with a fork.

- That boy is lighter than a June frost.

- He couldn't track an elephant in four feet of snow.

Something of little value
> – That ain't worth nine settings of eggs.

A conservative player in poker
– Tighter than a nun's gadget.

A person put in shock
– He couldn't swallow boiled okra.

A naïve person
– He's as square as an apple box. He still thinks 69 is the new highway to Dallas.

A close relationship
– I'm closer to that boy than 19 is to 20.

Attractive woman
– As pretty as a speckled pup under a red wagon.

Major evidence that proves a point
– That's stronger than Nellie's breath.

A sucker who falls for a bad bet
– Had taken the bait like a country hog after town slop.

- What he smelled cooking wasn't on the fire.

A big pot in poker or a lot of money
– It had so many chips that a show dog couldn't jump over it.

- Enough hundred-dollar bills to burn up 40 wet mules.

The chances of an underdog
– Very seldom do the lambs slaughter the butcher.

- I'm so skinny I look like the advance man for a famine.

- I can see a gnat's keester at a hundred yards.

- If there's anything I'll argue about, I'll either bet on it or shut up.

- I'm from a good town named Amarillo. The population has been 173,000 for the past 50 years, never varies – every time some woman gets pregnant, some man leaves town.

- There's more horse's asses than there are horses.

- You can shear a sheep many a time, but you can skin 'em only once.

- You can't always win. Sometimes they milk me like a Rocky Mountain goat. My titties get so sore I can't button my shirt.

- Would I like my son to be a professional making a living as a gambler? No, he'd be better off getting him a driver's license and go to driving a dump truck.

In an era of guarded athletes and celebrities who are so concerned with corporate endorsements, it's great to find a man who still knows how to make people laugh. But even so, be careful when you're around Amarillo Slim, because he just might put a rattlesnake in your pocket and ask you for a match.

Greg Dinkin is the co-author of Amarillo Slim in a World Full of Fat People: The Memoirs of the Greatest Gambler Who Ever Lived (HarperCollins) (www.thepokermba.com/amarilloslim).