Quote and Unquote

Vince Burgio's column in this issue consists entirely of poker quotes that he gathered up from various poker players. The one I gave him, of course, was the best. Something about it must be true that poker is a zero-sum game, because every time I play, my sum of money ends up zero. Soon after, I had an attack of remorse. Why the hell should I be giving away my good material to this guy, anyway? He's not paying me. Let the bum make up his own quotes.

But then I was inspired to test my own ingenuity by doing some research, use a little mental acuity, and see if I couldn't come up with my own column of quotes – without asking for help. It took me a long time, but I think the results made the time spent worthwhile.

My first famous and historical quote, which made it into the lexicon of common poker expressions, came about because of Wild Bill Hickock. He was playing in a saloon one fateful day. When he saw he had been dealt aces and eights, he declared, "This must be my lucky day."

But that's not the poker quote. What happened was, he tried to draw a card, but before it could be dealt, he got shot in the back.

"Seems like Bill's drawin' dead," another player drawled.

Less well known is the fact that a variation of draw poker got its inspiration and name from Caesar (Julius Caesar, not Sid Caesar). He was playing poker (no doubt at Caesars Palace) when he looked up to see Brutus and a gang of fellow Roman senators closing in on him with drawn daggers. "What is this?" asked Caesar. "Some new game?"

"Sure it is," replied Brutus, as he slit open Caesar's tummy. "It's called guts to open."

While I'm into famous poker quotes, allow me to correct a popular misconception about this incident. According to legend, after Caesar got stabbed, he looked ruefully at his pal and asked, "Et tu, Brutus?" (Et tu is Latin for "And you?") But that's not where that quote came from. What really happened was that the two of them were playing poker at a cardroom where free hot dogs were being served. "These are indeed delectable," Brutus pronounced. "Thus far I have consumed four of these delicacies. How many have you feasted upon, Julius?"

And Julie replied, "Et two, Brutus."

Now let's examine another historical quote, and in the process correct the name by which another tragic event has come to be known. The cavalry massacre at Little Big Horn has come to be known as "Custer's last stand." This is erroneous. What really happened was that General Custer was playing a few hands of poker with his officers when he looked up and saw about two million Indians on horseback gathering on a nearby ridge. "We got us work to do, boys," he said. "Better make this Custer's last hand."

How about this quote: "A king can do no wrong … unless it runs into an ace."

Here's another great one: "Money isn't everything … unless you're playing in a rebuy tournament."

(Getting jealous yet, Vince?)

Now, allow me to excerpt a line from a column I wrote some years back titled, "A Field Guide to Railbirds." The story mentioned every railbird's favorite and invariable quote when looking to be staked: "This is my best game."

Finally, to paraphrase the memorable quote from sportswriter Grantland Rice: "It's not whether you won or lost, but how many bad-beat stories you were able to tell."

Now, aren't all those sayings worthy of Bartlett's Quotations?

Soon after assembling this collection, I ran into Vince and told him that his column idea had inspired me to create my own assortment of quotes. "I gave you a good one," I said. "How about giving me a quote in return?"

Burgio glared at me. "You stole my idea?" he barked. "You want a quote? I'll give you a quote! Here it is: 'You're a thieving s.o.b.!'"

Somehow, I don't think that one would make it into Bartlett's.