Poker Reality TV

Poker players and non-players alike can't seem to get enough of poker on television. At the same time, the phenomenon of so-called reality TV seems to keep veering in new and scary (yet highly rated) directions. It's no secret that part of the formula is combining things people have enjoyed in the past in new and exciting ways. So, we shouldn't be surprised to see a reality show built around a mole in the evening news or an uncoordinated wimp playing in the Super Bowl.

Since poker has had some recent success as entertainment, you may be wondering what exciting new poker-related reality-based shows are coming to television this fall. Fortunately, I have an inside connection. Nobody knows about these shows but me – and now you.

Who Wants to Marry a Really Bad Poker Player? The show is set up like a poker tournament, with 50 women competing in a no-limit hold'em freezeout. The winner will marry a mysterious, shadowy figure known only as "Big Slick," who is supposed to be a top poker professional. The first six episodes cover the competition, including a two-hour faux "finale" that includes the wedding. The last six episodes cover the subsequent investigation, in which it is "discovered" that Slick keeps two sets of books on his poker play, is constantly borrowing money from other players, doesn't really live in a spacious seaside mansion, and has left behind a string of gullible girlfriends, each penniless and heartbroken. The real final episode covers the annulment, the out-of-court settlement, and Slick checking into rehab while his ex is wheeled into the operating room for cosmetic surgery.

Extreme Makeover of My Big Fat Smelly Poker-Playing Fiancé. Susie, a nice kid from a conservative Midwestern family, has to convince her family that she's had a whirlwind romance with Lenny, whom she met on a recent trip to Las Vegas. The catch? Lenny is a fast-talking cardroom junkie with a penchant for cheap alcohol and calling big bets on the river, while Susie's parents are real professional poker pros. After Susie's parents arrive, Lenny talks them into a poker game, at which he dumps mountains of chips with his "expert" play, spewing out incessant poker drivel like "Deuces never loses!" and "You are such a bad player!" He even hits up his distraught future in-laws for a loan. Halfway through the show, it is revealed that Susie has in reality fallen in love with Lenny, and has agreed to actually marry him if he can lose 250 pounds, quit smoking, get a real job, and stick to a smaller game.

Survivor Bellagio Poker Room. Backstabbing, intrigue, and weird characters, this series has it all. A team of ring-game players faces off against a team of tournament players at Bellagio. Each week the two teams must endure challenges ranging from freezeouts and shootouts to marathon H.O.R.S.E. and Chinese poker sessions, all the while eating nothing but buffet food. Every week a player is voted out of the cardroom. As the series progresses, the challenges become less and less pokerlike, until the final two players face off in the ultimate test – a heads-up slot tournament for all the money.

The Apprentice Poker Player. Doyle Brunson has agreed to let a novice poker player play his chips on day one of the main event at next year's World Series of Poker. (The WSOP has agreed to allow this because the network will be fattening the prize pool.) Eight novices compete for Brunson's approval by playing a series of round-the-clock no-limit hold'em marathons, with Brunson jumping in to comment on the worst plays. After the game, the players sit around the table and have to answer pointed questions about their own and the others' play. At the end of the episode, one of the players is dismissed with the soon-to-be-trademarked phrase: "You're busted!"

While You Were Playing Poker. Poker players are always liable to vanish into the cardroom for a few days at a time. Instead of always taking that time to redecorate, this show takes a broader swipe at the lives of unwitting participants. The highlight of the first season is an episode in which a prominent poker professional goes off for a series of tournaments on the East Coast and returns to find his wife and children replaced with very nice but totally different people. Hilarity ensues when he gets most of the way through a series of bad-beat stories before noticing.

Poker Court. We've all been clamoring for this for years. You think your friend Fred is the worst poker player you've ever seen. Fred says you don't even come close to understanding his play. Finally, we have a way to settle things. In this daytime courtroom show, a panel of experts reviews video and listens to testimony from both you and Fred. Judge Mike Caro renders the verdict. If Fred is guilty, he goes off for a week of intensive coaching from Bob Ciaffone. In an occasional twist, Caro will have the option of declaring that your case is so lacking in merit that you're the one who needs the tutoring.

Of course, there's no reason to stop there. It's not hard to imagine Simon Cowell lambasting someone as "easily the worst poker player I have ever seen," or Paige Davis talking players into exchanging tables. Of course, most of these shows will be fabulously successful, but in case replacements are needed, American Poker Idol, Fold Factor, and What Not to Play are all waiting in the wings – plus a few top-secret projects I'm saving in case some prominent TV producers happen to read this column.

Finally, let me just say in my own defense that I had to do extensive research to write this column. Of course I don't watch any of these shows personally.

Daniel Kimberg is the author of Serious Poker and maintains a web site for serious poker players at www.seriouspoker.com.