Roy Observes What's In and What's Not

Hi. Come on in. I've made some of my favorite food from my childhood – fried Spam, on thinly sliced sourdough bread slathered with butter. (I was a kid, what did I know about saturated fats and cholesterol?)

As I daily endeavor to keep my finger on the power pulse of poker popularity (a nice bit of alliteration), I am made aware of players' comments, positive and negative. I make notes on bits of scrap paper. At home, I straighten them out using a warm iron, and now bring them to your attention so you will be aware of the what's in and what's out in today's poker world.

In: Poker room personnel who don't fib to you over the phone that the action is great, when the only thing going in the room is four rocks waiting for a live one.

In: Poker rooms that will take your name over the phone for a game list.

Out: People who phone the poker room to put their names on a list and show up two hours later demanding to be seated immediately.

In: Cardrooms that feed players near dinnertime.

Out: Players who go into such a poker room at about 5:30 p.m., play for 10-12 minutes, eat free, and leave.

In: Full houses

Out: Two small pair

In: Razz starting hand of A-5-4

Out: Razz starting hand of A-J-4

Out: Signs on poker tables that state: "Do not sit at an unattended table" – even though there have been no provisions made for a place to sit while the customer waits for his game. (I guess they want you to sit outside on the curb and wait.)

Out: The loser of a hand telling the winner how incorrectly he played. (I'd rather take lessons from the winner.)

Out: Four poker players, none of whom has even so much as coached a Little League team, standing together in the poker room (usually in the aisle, blocking traffic) after a televised sporting event and criticizing the coach (a 15-year veteran who's making $1 million a season) for his "bad" decisions. If you judged things only from these conversations, you'd have to conclude that all poker players are more knowledgeable about sports than all professional coaches.

In: Poker rooms that don't allow players to spend more time sitting in the sportsbook checking on their bets than they do at the poker table (thus creating a dead seat).

Out: Poker rooms that will pick up the chips of a player who is gone too long if he is a "nobody," but will allow unlimited time away from the table without being picked up to a "somebody."

Out: Players who are $200 ahead in a $1-$5 game and start complaining that they haven't won a decent pot in more than 20 minutes, while you haven't taken so much as an ante since 7 o'clock Tuesday morning.

In: Casinos that don't require you to drive over an excessive number of high speed bumps in the parking lot. (Someday, the people who install them will realize that a speed bump is for the purpose of slowing you down, not ripping out the bottom of your car.)

In: Casinos that closely monitor the parking spaces for the handicapped.

Out: Smoking at the poker table (out and rude).

Out: Telling me what a great game I missed last night, while the action at the moment is moving slower than the traffic on the beltway at 5 in the afternoon. (Why is it that all great poker games were played last night?)

In: The delicious, delectable, luscious buffets that are provided for the players at major poker tournaments. (I have friends who rarely eat anything but junk food, except at tournament time.)

In: Major poker tournaments that have a freeroll event for media people, so we can gather around and freeload some more.

Out: Buying in to a $1-$5 game for $200, trying to impress or intimidate the other players (kid's stuff).

It's the sourdough bread that gives the kick to the Spam. Put a couple of sandwiches in your fanny pack while I flop here on the sofa to nap. And kill the light on your way out.

Editor's note: Roy West, author of the bestseller 7 Card Stud, the Complete Course in Winning (available from Card Player), continues to give his successful poker lessons in Las Vegas to both tourists and locals. Ladies are welcome. Call 1-800-548-6177 Ext. 03.