Anger Management - Part III: Easing the Problem

For all the reasons discussed in parts I and II, anger will always be a problem. We cannot completely control our feelings, and anger will often have destructive effects. We can reduce these effects, but they can never be completely eliminated.

First, Recognize That You Have a Problem

You may not blow up, throw cards, shout at people, and so on, but don't pretend that you don't get angry. Mother Nature programmed anger into all of us. You may get angry less often or less visibly, but everybody does it, and it usually harms their play. You can't make any progress toward managing anger until you recognize and understand your own feelings and their effects.

Identify Your "Triggers"

Triggers are the things that arouse your anger, and they are very individualistic. Something that would anger me might not bother you, and vice versa. If you don't identify your triggers, you can't manage their effects.

Whenever you get angry, ask, "Why do I feel this way?" You will see patterns. For example, you might get angry when people are rude, or they blow smoke in your face, or the dealer is too slow, but not be bothered much by bad beats and stupid plays. Other people will have a completely different pattern.

Avoid Important Triggers

Countless people either haven't identified their triggers or insist that they should not occur. These attitudes are extremely self-defeating. Since the world is not going to adjust to you, you have to adjust to it.

For example, since I know that rude players really bother me, I just refuse to play with them, even if they are throwing away their money. I'd rather walk away than let them destroy my mood and concentration.

Some friends have said that I should not let rudeness bother me, or that I should insist that people act politely. Unfortunately, I can't control my emotions, and I certainly can't control other people's actions, but I can easily avoid most triggers – and so can you.

Hesitate and Think Before Reacting

If you just hesitate briefly and think of why you want to say or do something, you will prevent some extremely stupid mistakes. We all have said and done things without thinking, and we have usually regretted it.

Be Honest About Your Motives

The critical question is: What are you trying to do? If you're just expressing your feelings, you are probably making a mistake. You may briefly ease your inner tensions, but you're paying a high price for doing so. The reaction that felt so good may cost you a lot of money, or get you thrown out or even barred from a cardroom.

Unfortunately, many people kid themselves about their motives. They insist that they are trying to solve a problem, but take actions that will aggravate it. For example, they may pretend that arguing forcefully will teach people how to act, but it will often teach them the wrong lessons. Instead of learning how to behave properly, they learn how to manipulate the "teacher's" reactions.

Turn Off Chat

The nasty remarks players make online are triggers for many people, including me, but you can easily avoid them. I would love to tune out the nastiness in live games, and there is no reason to "listen" to it online.

Many people get very upset by nasty comments, but refuse to turn off chat as "a matter of principle." The nasty people are the problem, and they have to change. This reaction is understandable, but unrealistic. Unless someone is way out of line, most websites won't revoke his chat. You can't shut him up, but there is no reason to listen to him or, worse yet, respond to him. Just turn off chat.

Accept Poker and People as They Are

Not turning off chat is just one example of refusing to accept and cope with reality. The only person you can control is yourself, and one of the most important things to control is your expectations. If you expect to change things you can't control, you will be miserable and ineffective forever, not just at the poker table, but everywhere.

Poker is gambling, and it is intrinsically frustrating. Bad beats, losing streaks, smoking, noise, crowding, rude people, and many other frustrations will always be part of it. You must learn to live with them, stop playing, or stay angry.

Play for the Right Stakes

If you play below your comfort zone, you may be bored and irritated by the players' limitations. If you play above it, you may be infuriated because you get outplayed or lose more than you can handle. Pick stakes that are large enough to bring out your best, but that cannot cause losses you can't handle, financially or psychologically.

Remember Your "Good Beats"

A "good beat" occurs when you are the lucky idiot who misplays his hand, catches a miracle card, and wins a large pot. Because we want to believe that we play well, but are unlucky, we remember bad beats, but forget good ones. This pattern protects our egos, but causes lots of anger.

Whenever someone sucks out on me, I remind myself of two incredibly stupid plays. Both times, I misread the situation so badly that I capped on the turn with a one-outer, but caught it. Because I remember those outrageously lucky good beats, I don't get so upset when someone sucks out on me.

You may pretend that you never make such mistakes or get that lucky, but everybody does it. You are just as lucky and unlucky as everyone else. Kidding yourself about your luck makes it much harder to manage your anger.

Take a Walk, Change Games, or Go Home

If you're getting angry, stop playing immediately. First, take a walk to analyze how well you are playing. If possible, talk to someone who will give you a more objective assessment of your mood and situation.

Second, decide whether to rejoin the game. If you have regained enough control, and it's the right kind of game, do it. If you have regained control, but it's the wrong kind of game, change tables. If you're too far off balance to play well,go home immediately.

Leaving a game or going home can be painful, but the angrier you are, the greater the danger you will go on tilt and blow your bankroll.

Depersonalize Conflicts

Poker is based on conflict. The objective is to take each other's money. Deceit, deception, sucking out, being bluffed or outplayed, and all the other frustrations are just parts of the game, and you cannot afford to take them personally. Don't yearn for revenge or take foolish chances to get even.

In addition to all of the negative effects I discussed in Part I, angry reactions can drive away the best "customers": the weak, passive pigeons. The combination of losing control, playing badly, and driving away weak players has cost many talented players lots of money.

Winning is the Best Revenge

If you find yourself aching to get even with someone, repeat that statement. The goal of our game is not to beat any individual; it is to win the most chips. Don't worry about whether you beat your best friend, your worst enemy, or some nameless stranger. Just get the chips.

Alan's book, The Psychology of Poker, is available through Card Player.