Want to be in My Column?

I recently read that Stephen King, needing a name for a woman he plans to have killed in his next novel, joined with some 15 other authors to auction off on e-Bay the right to name a character in their upcoming books. The money will go to a nonprofit organization whose goal is to protect freedom of information and expression.



What a great idea. My immediate thought was, why can't I do the same thing? I mean, all these years I've been giving free publicity to the likes of guys like Frank Henderson, Eskimo Clark, Phil Hellmuth, and others, when I could have been charging them a pretty penny for the exposure.



Actually, this has been going on for many years in the media and entertainment world. In the movies, it's known as product placement. In television, it's called infomercials. In the record industry, it's payola.



The more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea of getting paid to name characters in my column. It might sound mercenary, but it's really not. Think of it as a public service. Surely you must know someone who badly needs to be humiliated, tortured, mutilated, or killed – in print, at least. Well, that service is now available.



For example, let's say you have a girlfriend who's just dumped you, and you want to get back at the b – – – -. For $20, I'll write a column in which I have her going out on a date with Michael Jackson. For fifty bucks, I'll have her going out with O.J. Simpson or Robert Blake. And for $100, I'll fix her up in print with Dirty Wally. (Better make that $150. That's something I'd be ashamed to inflict on any innocent woman unless someone really made it worth my while.)



Of course, this will be an equal opportunity offer. For the right price, if any of my female readers have a boyfriend they would enjoy seeing humiliated in print, I'll have him falling in love with Aunt Sophie or Windy Waggy.



The possibilities are endless. Is there a dealer you have on your hit list? Well, let's make a deal and I'll drop him in a sewage pond. (Are you reading this, John Bonetti?) Does a railbird owe you money? Just think how satisfying it would be to read about him getting castrated. Did somebody slow-roll you, criticize your play, or knock you out of a tournament by hitting a two-outer? Hey, not only can you provide the name, you can also designate the punishment: anything from getting run over by a train to finishing on the bubble in every tournament he plays for the next 10 years.



Come to think of it, I know a few people myself who would merit such treatment, notably players who fail to tip me when they cash out big in a tournament that I'm covering. Boy, would I love to write something like this:



"Bobby Booger, a notorious cheapskate known for never tipping tournament writers, died a horrendous but deserved death when he was ground up in a cement mixer. Booger, who had been thrown out of the casino after drinking himself into oblivion, apparently thought he was walking up a ramp when he clambered up the truck's chute and fell into the mixing tank. There will be no services because nobody would bother to attend."



Oh, well, dream on, Max.



I guess I could also sell space in my column for more flattering narrative. For example, if someone close to you is having a birthday, I'd be happy to write something nice about him. True, I've never written anything nice about anyone in any of my columns, but I'm creative, and if I tried hard enough, I suppose I could come up with something. Imagine this scenario: On Irving Schwartz's birthday, he picks up a copy of Card Player, immediately turns to my column (as most readers do), and discovers this:



"Irving Schwartz, one of the most admired players in poker, performed a truly noble deed the other night. In a high-stakes game, the dealer mistakenly gave him the pot, and he insisted it be awarded to the rightful winner."



On second thought, that might just make him sound like a shmuck. How about if I just say he's favored to win the next World Series?



Or, perhaps you'd like me to say something flattering about you. Have you been having trouble getting staked? Come up with some cash and I'll write you up as being the greatest player to come along since Stu Ungar. Wouldn't that be a great investment?



Yes, I realize that King and his fellow writers plan to donate all the money they take in to charity. I'm not in King's income bracket, but I am willing to give 10 percent of my proceeds to a good cause. Why not? Oklahoma Johnny Hale is always promoting a cause close to his heart … himself.



So, there you have it. Better sign up fast before Barry Shulman hears about my bribery scheme. He'll insist on royalties and my prices will have to go up.