Fun and Games at the World Series of Poker

I spent virtually the entire length of this year's World Series of Poker (five weeks, but it seemed more like five months) in Las Vegas filling in for Andy Glazer on some of his tournament reports. As you know, Andy does comprehensive, insightful World Series write-ups for a poker information portal, poker.casino.com, with many of these reports later reprinted in Card Player. They are amazing documents. Here is a comment I made in one of my substitute write-ups:

"Andy, you understand, can watch a hand in progress and tell you what all the downcards are, what the players are thinking, what they will do and why, what the precise odds and likely outcome will be, what the temperature is outside, and what the stock market will do that day. And he'll also throw in several pertinent literary allusions as a bonus."

I was scheduled to fill in for him a dozen or so times so that he could rest and play a few tournaments himself. As it turned out, he was plagued by a painful back, and I ended up doing considerably more writing than I had anticipated. After several consecutive reports, including a no-limit hold'em final table that lasted nearly 11 hours, he finally returned to action to cover an event that lasted maybe 11 minutes. Nice timing, Andy.

What I hate about covering the World Series is when the five-day championship event starts and the place suddenly fills with television cameras and cameramen and sound guys with those long poles and technicians and still photographers and reporters and writers and all kinds of people with press badges, and everyone's trying to get close to the tables, and we're all bumping into each other, and the TV camera guys are telling you to get out of the way, and it becomes mob scene bedlam. The last straw was when Big Denny barreled in, claiming to be a reporter for the Barstow Bugle, and demanding to know when they served dinner. That was when the writers were shunted to the sidelines and told to stay out of the way of the camera guys. Yeah, how come they don't tell the camera guys to stay out of the way of the writers?

Anyway, it's hard to spend that much time at the World Series without coming across some humorous lines and situations, so here are a few I'd like to share with you:

"Captain" Tom Franklin was playing at a table and noticed a rather large and sloppy fellow standing nearby, with his back to him. The guy was dressed like a plumber, which means his pants were drooping down well past his waistline, exposing his derriere.

Captain Tom pointed to the crevice between the "plumber's" cheeks and made an announcement: "Just say no to crack!" The crack, of course, cracked up his whole table.

As long as we're visiting that geographical area, let me describe another incident. Barbara Enright was playing at the same table as her friend Frank Henderson. She playfully donned a surgical glove she happened to have in her purse (don't ask me why) and told Frank she planned to give him a physical. "Then use two fingers," the quick-witted Henderson replied, "because I'd like to have a second opinion."

Tournament Co-Director Matt Savage is equally fast on his feet in the humor department. At one final table, he noticed a spectator fast asleep, his chin resting on the padded railing. Picking up the microphone, Savage made an announcement: "We have a very exciting tournament here today."

A side game I was in provided a good laugh. A woman had one of those big box fans on the table to ward off the inescapable cigarette smoke. A player at the table commented, "That's the biggest one I ever saw."

In mock innocence, the woman looked at him, blinked her eyes, and replied, "The biggest one you've ever seen? What are you looking at?"

Chris "Jesus" Ferguson rang up an amazing all-time record of eight cash-outs this year at the WSOP. Tournament assistant Bonnie Damiano, who was in charge of all the paperwork and payouts to players, remarked that she had paid off Ferguson so many times that she had memorized his Social Security number.

Warren Karp, who acted as tournament director for the second-chance evening events, had entered a no-limit tournament himself and was about to get into the money when he was busted out on the bubble by Hans "Tuna" Lund. Need I tell you what another player called out? Of course: "The Tuna ate the Karp." I suppose I could make up a story in which Tuna, Karp, and Devilfish (David Ulliott) were all at the same table, but that would sound too fishy.

Then, I covered an event in which the one and only John "Bono" Bonetti was at the final table. I could easily do a whole column on his antics, but let's just stick to a couple of things he did. During one hand, a player went all in and Bonetti became irritated when another player bet out rather than follow the usual check-the-hand-down routine.

"Where ya comin' from?" he barked at the offender.

This earned him a stern warning from Savage not to discuss a hand in progress. "Whaddaya mean?" Bonetti asked in all innocence. "Can't I ask a player where he comes from?"

As play continued, Bonetti, not known for his patience with dealers, got increasingly annoyed at one in particular who was doing major damage to his chip count in two separate shifts. "I'll give ya a tip when ya leave," Bonetti muttered at one point. In tribute to my friend John, I had donned one of those bounty tee shirts from a Bay 101 Shooting Star tournament that had his photo along with the caption, "I busted John Bonetti." The dealer ("my nemesis," Bono called him) eventually dealt a hand that got him knocked out of the tournament.

"You shoulda worn Max's tee shirt," Bonetti told him.

I have saved the biggest laugh for last. Vince Burgio was doing some guest announcing at an Omaha final table that included the above-mentioned Chris Ferguson. Vince recalled that when Ferguson won his third bracelet, he linked them together to form a hatband that he wore around his trademark black Stetson. If he won a fourth bracelet that day, Vince mused, perhaps he could make them into a belt. What, Burgio wondered, could someone make with five bracelets?

From the audience came an immediate shout: "A headband for Phil Hellmuth!"