Playing While Drunk - an Experiment

Hi. Come on in. I have some Wisconsin bratwurst we can charcoal on the grill. I like mine burned. Grab yours when they look good. I'll toast the buns.

You've known me for many years, so you know I'm not much of a drinker. Two beers and I'm tipsy, three or more and I'm embalmed.

In today's report to you and the poker world, the word I'll use is "drunk." It wasn't a falling-down, three-sheets-to-the-wind, zonked-out drunk. It was more like … inebriated. (That sounds softer than "drunk," but I'll stay with the more harsh wording for this tale of my "experiment.")

I hadn't been drunk since about my 25th year on the planet. At that time, it was an experiment with three friends who had never been intoxicated, and we decided to find out what it was like. So, one evening in a hotel suite on the near north side of Chicago, after setting up some safety precautions, the drinking experiment began.

We purchased our liquid supplies, including a large bottle of vodka and several bottles of mix. We tossed in some ice and munchies, and off we went. At the hotel, we got ready for bed, which included turning down the covers so that the beds would be ready for us. We then covered the coffee table and surrounding floor with towels. All was in readiness.

Safety was not a concern, as very little could happen to us. We wouldn't be driving, so we couldn't hit anyone. We were several floors above the street, so no one could hit us. We couldn't even fall down, because we were already sitting on the floor. So, we drank, and we laughed – and we passed out.

Many years later, I decided to try another drinking experiment. I had just written an article that included a warning about mixing booze and poker. The thought occurred to me that I had never played poker while inebriated. I had played against plenty of people who were half in the bag, so on the theory of "know your opponent and know thyself" (along with, "this could be a fun experiment"), I enlisted the aid of two friends.

Caution and safety were again in my mind, so the friends I recruited were large, strong, intelligent men who I knew were capable of handling anything that might come up. Together we conceived and executed our plan. One evening, I got ready to go play poker, just as I regularly did, including my pregame mental preparation. To this, I added four shots of tequila – taken as "tequila puffs" – over a 20-minute period.

I wasn't falling-down, three-sheets-to-the-wind, zonked-out drunk. I was more like … inebriated. But, I sure felt drunk! So, with my strong friends on either side of me, we walked to the car (not my car) and drove to the casino. My friends, still close to me on each side, guided me into the poker room. There was one seat open in a low-limit seven-card stud game, and I sat down.

The dealer dealt and announced the low card – the 5. I didn't have it, so I began looking for it. I looked left, I looked right, and I finally saw it. Then, I started to look at the other players' exposed cards. It was too late, as several players had already folded. And the action was up to me. Everyone was waiting for me to act, and I grinned but didn't act. I hadn't looked at my holecards yet, so I looked – and I looked. I didn't like them, but couldn't decide what to do about that. So, I didn't do anything. The dealer asked me twice what I wanted to do. I was finally able to make the decision to fold.

My strong friends sat at a nearby vacant table and kept an eye on me at all times. They reported to me the next day (during my hangover) that I had the appearance of the average drunk playing poker. I grinned a lot, was slow to act, was indecisive, lacked motor control, slowed down the game, talked incessantly, stared at the dealer every time he asked me what I wanted to do, and played almost every hand except the first one! And I never really felt that I was not in total control. Wow!

How much did I lose? I won $12! On my last hand before my "bodyguards" removed me from the premises, I hit an inside straight – on seventh street, of course. The experiment was fun, in a sensory-distorted way, but I don't think I'll be doing it again.

Next time, we should set up the grill outdoors. Put that last brat in your pocket and kill the light on your way out.

Editor's note: Roy West, author of the bestseller 7 Card Stud, the Complete Course in Winning (available from Card Player), continues to give his successful poker lessons in Las Vegas to both tourists and locals. Ladies are welcome. Call 1-800-548-6177, Ext. 03.