Perils of a Headline Writer

That's the headline I wrote when I was doing daily reports for the Four Queens Poker Classic and Randy Holland's wife, Laurene, won a no-limit hold'em event. During my brilliant journalistic career I've written thousands of headlines, and it seemed perfectly logical to me to start with Randy's name. After all, the purpose of a headline is to convey as much information and identification as possible in a few words. And while Laurene is a very nice lady and a registered nurse, and while I acknowledge that nurses contribute a lot more to society than poker players do, this was, after all, a poker tournament, not a gizzard transplant operation, and Randy Holland is a household name on the tournament circuit while Laurene Holland, an occasional player, was registering only her very first win.

After all, if Tiger Woods had a wife named Mary who suddenly won a golf tournament, would I write, "Mary Woods Wins Barstow Open," or would I use "Tiger Woods' Wife"?

Seemed reasonable enough to me.

Little did I know.

"I want to talk to you about yesterday's write-up," Tournament Producer Bonnie Damiano said to me in ominous tones the next morning.

"What did I do now?" I grumbled.

"Laurene Holland is very upset," she informed me. "She wins her first tournament and you seem to give the credit to Randy rather than to her."

"Look," I blurted without thinking, "women are lucky to even make the final table."

Rosanne Wright, working at the tournament registration desk, was listening to our conversation. "What are you going to do for a job now, Max?" she inquired sweetly.

Fortunately, Bonnie is too much of a lady to resort to such drastic measures. Besides, whom could she find as a replacement – Dirty Wally? So, she contented herself with merely dumping a cup of coffee on my head.

"Could use a little more sugar," I cracked.

I walked away shaking my head and licking coffee off my face. Surely, Bonnie was jesting, I thought. Laurene is a sweet and modest lady without any ego. How could she possibly object to such an innocuous headline?

My answer came in the form of a sharp kick to my shin. "How could you do that?" Laurene Holland berated me. "I win a tournament and you play up Randy."

Patiently, I explained to her the intricacies and nuances involved in the craft of writing headlines. She nodded her head understandingly. "It makes sense to me now," she said, dumping another cup of coffee on my head. "By the way," she added, pointing to an adjacent table, "Randy's at the final table of the evening tournament. If he wins it, be sure to write, 'Laurene Holland's Mate Wins.'"

"Women," I muttered, "you just can't communicate with them." I went looking for my sweetie, who is very sophisticated in these areas and would certainly understand. I explained the situation to her, looking for a little support and sympathy.

"You sexist pig!" she raged, dumping a cup of tea on my head (she doesn't drink coffee). Oh, well, good thing I'm wearing a brown shirt, I thought.

I wondered what more could happen. Randy Holland himself, that's what. "I don't like that headline you wrote," he told me angrily.

At least he wasn't holding a cup of coffee. "Look, Randy," I said defensively, "I wrote it in all innocence. I didn't mean anything by it, and I'm very sorry if I offended Laurene."

"That's not what I mean," he replied.

"No? Then what's the problem?"

"Why didn't you make my name bigger?" Maybe it's a good thing I turned down an offer to be a headline-writer for The New York Times. I would have written, "Bill Clinton's Wife Wins Senate Election," and Hillary would have dropped a lot worse than coffee on me – a sack of bricks, probably. After all, if Hillary had been writing headlines for The Times, the day that Bill won the presidency, the front page would have read, "Hillary Clinton's Husband Elected President." Hey, I daydreamed, maybe the next time Barbara wins a tournament I could write, "Max Shapiro's Sweetie … " Nah, I returned to reality. I don't have that long to live as it is.

OK, so how did I make amends for this mess? I suppose I could have written another headline and reprinted all the tournament flyers, and contacted all the publications and Internet sites I send the stories out to, but that would have been a lot of work and I wouldn't have gotten paid anything extra. It was much better to just write this story for Card Player and get an extra $1,000 writers fee (ha, ha) from Barry Shulman. And if that isn't enough, Laurene, I'll use this headline the next time you win a tournament:

Laurene Holland Wins;

Randy on the Sidelines