Student, Beware

Although most of us are well acclimated to our poker surroundings, the cardroom can be an intimidating place for the first-time visitor. Some newcomers choose to approach the game in stages, sitting behind and observing a friend or spouse for a session or two before taking the plunge and playing on their own. You've probably witnessed these new arrivals, sitting behind their player-coaches, eagerly hanging on the words of explanation whispered between hands as to the action that just transpired. Perhaps you've felt a wistful pang of envy at their wide-eyed fascination over an activity you've started to take for granted.

It's not often that I feel sorry for someone in a cardroom – we're all adults, after all, and no one's forcing us to put money at risk – but if there's anyone to whom my heart goes out, it's the poor unsuspecting soul who unwittingly makes a disastrous choice in mentors. Certainly, it's an easy spot to fall into – there, but for the grace of the poker gods, go any of us. Out of his element, a newcomer interprets his companion's familiar ease in this intimidating foreign environment as evidence of expertise – a pretty understandable assumption, don't you think? Throw in an impressive bankroll and command of an intriguingly snappy jargon and the perception of prowess is reinforced all the more. Unfortunately, with this as his only basis, he may well end up entrusting his poker orientation to someone no better equipped to teach the game than he is to play it.

For wives being schooled by husbands, the selection of teacher is less a choice than a natural convenience, and with everything else they have to process on their first forays to the cardroom, it probably occurs to few of them that while most of the men in the room consider themselves poker hotshots, they all clearly can't be winners. Of course, the weak poker player/husband isn't trying to sabotage his wife with bad advice; he just doesn't know any better. Combine the trust inherent in the marriage relationship with the prevailing cultural view of poker as a man's domain, and that poor advice is unlikely to be questioned, at least not before it's wreaked considerable financial consequence. That's a raw deal, especially for those women – and there are lots of them – whose even temperaments and coolness under pressure may very well make them better equipped to meet the game's psychological demands than their husbands. Of course, learning to play poker is a problematic, trial-and-error process for everyone, men and women alike, but it's especially difficult (and costly) for someone sent down a dozen wrong paths right out of the starting gate.

It's a popular bromide that if a helping hand will reach just one person, it will be effort well spent. While reaching one person seems awfully modest as goals go, I freely admit that today's column is aimed at a narrow audience. On the other hand, recent television exposure has brought so many newcomers into the poker world that it might not be so narrow after all. Perhaps you're one of those newcomers observing from a chair behind the table … and your friend's taken a bathroom break … so you've happened to pick up this magazine. Or, maybe your husband has told you to read up on the game, and to that end you've taken the magazine home and are now settling in with it as he drifts off to sleep. Whatever the case, listen up, because we don't have much time – he could be back, or wake up, at any minute!

Don't get me wrong, I'm not here to impugn anyone's abilities. Whether your poker guide is a knowledgeable, articulate communicator, a closet maniac, or anything in between, is something I have no way of knowing. The trouble is that with no experience under your belt as yet, you don't, either – so before you start treating his word as gospel, let me at least offer you a few simple things to look for in your player-coach's play. The following are four dead giveaways that you're being shown the ropes by someone who should hire a coach, not be one:

1. If Hold'em's the Game: Does your tutor routinely play hands that have nothing going for them other than being suited? For instance, a king and a 5, a queen and a 4, and so on? If so, danger, Will Robinson!! Overvaluing suited cards is one of the most common errors poor hold'em players make; if he's guilty of this basic mistake, he's probably making plenty of others, as well. Beware of teachers touting suited cheese.

2. In Any Game: Does adversity prompt your advisor to start speaking in superstitious terms? Does he associate success or failure with inanimate objects and mysterious forces? Specifically, do you hear regular references to unlucky decks, seats, and/or dealers? If so – yikes! Cards are made of paper and plastic, not demons and destiny. Rather than change decks or seats, you might do well to change teachers.

3. If Omaha Eight-or-Better's the Game: Do you see him turn over trash middle cards or low pairs with lousy flush draws and nothing else? Does he pooh-pooh the idea of selectivity? Is he always dissing "the book," insisting that any four cards can win, and that everything depends on the flop? If so, he's certainly right about one thing, the flop is important – which is precisely why the 5-6-7-8 should hit the muck.

Here's what he's missing: A-2-3-K double-suited isn't a better bet than 5-6-7-8 rainbow because it's rarer or more aesthetically pleasing, or because some pedantic theoretician says so. It's a better bet because it works well with more flops – lots more – than the 5-6-7-8 does, and the stacks you drag chasing the exceptions will pale next to the racks you'll throw away bucking the rule. And make no mistake, the cost will be far greater than just the cumulative "entry fees" (preflop calls) – for while very few flops match middle cards snugly, there will be plenty of "loose fits" that will bleed you dry chasing third-best hands for half the pot.

4. Last, but Not Least: Do the words "Well, I can't win with good cards!" ever escape your teacher's lips?

If so, flee – now, this instant, before it's too late. You're free, of course, to retain his services as a spouse while relieving him of coaching duties, but even at that, the time has come to consider separate bank accounts.

And finally, if you ever observe, as you approach the table with your tutor, that players who have started to rack up their chips suddenly sit back down and say to a floorman, "Richard, I think I'll stay here after all," you'll definitely want to seek counsel elsewhere. In a poker room, you want to reel in a school of fish – not be schooled by one.