Would You Like to Borrow My Copy of GQ?

OK, we all know that I am not, nor in the near future going to be, an expert on poker. I am, however, well-versed in and connected to the fashion world. On this subject, I will pass on some tips.

.1 Hygiene is of the utmost importance in any world. A shower, deodorant, toothpaste, and toothbrush should be your best friends. If all else fails, you can be alone with yourself and enjoy it.

2. Wear underwear when you play poker, not for your own sake, but the other players seem to really appreciate it. A pair of briefs or jockey shorts will not set you back too much, considering that you are playing in some high-stakes games. Everyone at your table and probably some at other tables will mentally thank you for this. Thank you.

3. Shirts can be long-sleeved, short-sleeved, layered, or whatever. Tank tops are not recommended for several reasons, the most obvious of which is that the parts of your body that other people will see may not be your best parts.

4. Pants. Why does any man think that it's tasteful to show others the upper part of his buttocks? Until I spent time in poker rooms, I thought this was reserved only for plumbers and handymen. For them, it has something to do with a heavy tool belt and its resulting force of gravity. What is a poker player's excuse?

5. Shoes were invented to protect people's feet from the earliest civilizations to today. They are even more important today, as they protect us from hot pavement, tar, broken glass, junk on the floor, and other people's feet landing on ours. Socks protect our feet from getting blisters from our shoes. As good as these two items are, they are at their worst when dirty and smelly. Everyone jokes about foot odor, but it really isn't funny. If you happen to be at a table with someone who has slipped out of his shoes and his feet stink, I would suggest stepping on his toes as hard as you can. Maybe the pain will shoot up to his brain and remind him that his shoes are there for a reason.

6. Having a sweater or jacket with you is a good idea. Not only does it make a statement as to where you have played or shopped, it protects you from the chill of the air conditioner. You can look stylish and keep warm at the same time.

7. A belt does more than look nice. It keeps your pants up and your shirt in, if you so wish. It's a good look.

8. Hairstyle is definitely a personal choice. As long as it's clean, who cares? Chris Ferguson has long hair that always appears well-kept. Vince Burgio has short hair and always wears a cap. There are many styles between these two. Women seem to have very little problem in this area. If anything, we spend too much time and energy on our hair. It is preferable to the other extreme.

9. Perfume – my favorite subject. I am very allergic to perfume, and I always seem to be seated next to someone who has gone through an entire fashion magazine and used every one of those wipe-off samples at one time. Give us all a break and use one kind, and use it discreetly. Also, perfume should not be used to cover up the fact that a shower was not taken.

10. Caps, hats, and bandanas are OK, especially if you are having a very bad hair day. Hairnets are never OK in public or private – never, ever.

11. Power dressing works only in France, where no tennis shoes are allowed at the Aviation Club. It does not work in the United States.

12. Sunglasses. I happen to think they look stupid in a cardroom, but lots of people wear them. Andy Glazer explained to me that some people wear them to hide their eyes. He said there was a study done in which a bunch of guys were shown pictures of naked ladies and their pupils dilated. That's never happened to me, but I have a little trouble figuring out why men can't distinguish naked ladies from cards. If they can't tell the difference, they should hide their eyes. Actually, I think they should just hide.

13. Pockets were made to hold things that you need, such as money and a drivers license. My son Jeff appears to carry his whole apartment in his pockets, along with food for six. His pockets always appear to be on the verge of exploding. As his mother, I gave up mentioning this on his last birthday in February, but I am hoping he will read this and get a clue. Anyway, carry a backpack, fanny pack, or bag if you have an abundance of junk. Whatever you do, don't carry stuff in your pockets.

14. If you are a guy with a beard or mustache, keep it clean. It's so uncool to see your last three meals on your facial hair.

15. Jewelry is a personal subject. If you have a tournament bracelet, by all means wear it – you earned it. If you have won more than three, it looks rather shady to wear them all at once, as you have only two wrists. Pick your favorite, or if you must, wear two – but never on the same wrist. It makes you look like those little blue-haired old ladies in Miami Beach who wear every piece of jewelry they own and their furs when it's 110 degrees in the shade. Also, you don't want any unsavory types following you home or back to your room to relieve you of your jewelry.

16. Money can't buy happiness, but it can improve your wardrobe. When you carry it with you, try to keep it inside your clothes instead of on the outside. That way, you can keep it. Unsavory types like money better than jewelry; it's easier to spend.

I hope I've helped you with these few quick tips. I have been the personal shopper for the clothing-impaired for years. If you need further help, you know how to reach me, but I figure that if you can play poker by yourself, you can probably shop by yourself, too. Good luck to you, and remember – you have only one chance to make a first impression.