Feng Shui in Barstow

Driving back from Vegas one day, I stopped in Barstow to visit with Big Denny. "Hi ya, Maxey," he greeted me. "Kin I treat ya ta lunch at our four-star buffet? We got pig snout dis week. I got dem cheap on account of dere's an epidermis of mad pig disease goin' on around here."

After I regretfully declined, Big Denny asked me a question: "Maxey, ya ever hear of fong shooey?"

"That's one of your pai gow dealers, isn't it?"

"Nah, nah, ya big dope. It ain't a person, it's like a Chinese t'ing where dey move yer furniture an' stuff aroun' an it's supposed to bring ya better luck. Ya know, ying-yang an' cosmetic energy."

"Cosmic energy, Denny. You must mean feng shui, which is supposed to bring harmony and good spirits into your home by balancing the female yin and the male yang. It's the hot thing now. Realtors and businesses and a lot of movie celebrities use it."

"Dat's right. Well, business been kinda punk lately at da Barstow Card Casino, an' I seen an ad from one of dem fong … fang … one of dem guys, and I figgered I'd give it a shot an' see what happens. I don't know how he could improve da decor, though."

I looked around at the dingy, dismal, drafty, depressing structure that had seen better days as a cow barn. "Well, for starters, you could clean the hay out of the loft," I suggested. "It keeps falling on your tables and it makes your customers sneeze."

"Yeah, dat's a … hey, look, here's my guy now."

An apparition dressed in a hooded robe and swinging an incense burner walked through the doors. "Out, out, evil spirits!" he chanted.

I'm not sure if any evil spirits left, but six frightened customers bolted out the door. The feng shui man walked up to us, and Big Denny made the introduction.

"Maxey, dis here's Wing Wang. He's gonna fix dis place up fer better luck, aincha?"

"Yes, yes, we fix," Wing Wang said doubtfully, suddenly realizing the enormity of his task. He stared at the stark, boxlike confines of the converted barn. "Too many straight lines," he declared. "Lets energy escape." He made an undulating motion with his hand. "Need more curves, like the breezes or ocean waves."

"Curves, huh?" Big Denny said sourly. "How's about we put in a mary-go-round?"

Wing Wang stared at him, unsure if he was being serious or sarcastic. Finally, he shrugged and crossed something out in his notebook. "Much to do," he said. "Come, we walk through and see."

We had walked only a short distance before Wing Wang stopped and pointed to a large mirror hanging behind one of the poker tables. "Bad! Bad!" he exclaimed. "Mirror reflects good energy back out door. Must go."

"The hell it goes," Big Denny told him. "When I'm playin' at dis table, dat mirror lets me see all the suckers' hands on dat side."

Wing Wang decided not to argue and crossed out something in a book he was carrying. As we turned a corner, the feng shui man stopped dead in his tracks and pointed to an enormous oil painting of a nude woman reclining on a bearskin rug. "What that?" he gasped.

Big Denny grinned. "Dat's Aunt Sophie. Ain't she somet'in? Da customers likes ta use her fer a dart board. Ya gets 10 points if ya hits her in da …"

"DENNY!" I cried out in alarm.

"Very, very bad," Wing Wang decided. "Bad karma. Need something more calming, perhaps like grazing cattle."

"No way!" Big Denny declared. "Dem farmers milks cows all day an' dey comes in here ta fergit about dem. Aunt Sophie stays."

Wing Wang sighed and made another mark in his book. We walked some more, and as we passed an open door, he suddenly smiled. "Ah, I hear running water. Good karma. Do you have a fountain nearby, or a waterfall, or perhaps even a stream running through here?"

"Nah," Big Denny laughed. "Dat's just a broken toilet in da men's room. I keeps fergettin' ta fix it."

Wing Wang winced and made another notation in his book. As we walked further, something caught his attention. He peered closely at three small, neat holes in the wall, where light was coming in from the outside. "See," he said, "cosmic energy so strong it can even pierce walls."

Denny looked at the three spots. "Dem's bullet holes, ya dummy."

More marks in Wang's book. As we came to a doorway, he pulled out a compass and frowned. "Doorway faces west. Bad for energy flow. Must move to east side."

"Yer nuts," Big Denny replied. "Dat side is da way ta da police station. I needs a door on dis side ta make a quick getaway in case we get raided."

Wing Wang shredded his notebook and emitted a string of what I assumed were Cantonese expletives. Things were getting tense, so I excused myself, left the two to finish their business, and headed back to L.A. Later in the week I phoned Denny to see how things went.

"I t'rew da bum out," he exploded. "He tol' me I had ta have more colors a' da rainbow in da place."

"So, what's wrong with that?"

"He wanted me ta bring in Mike Caro's four-color deck."